Confessions from a Mormon Bachelor Pad

Magic Penny

2010-08-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

It may surprise some of you that I have not made out with a girl since Daisy. That's right, blazing hot Daisy and I made out with a pirated copy of James Cameron's blue-lanky-and-disturbingly-attractive-alien-people movie. I wanted Claire back then but I thought I could work something with Daisy but soon discovered she had just used me.

As I reflect back on the last year since I returned home from my mission. I think about Andrea, Claire, and Sanders. How involved I got and how much I pined over them and worried about where "we" were going. Lots of deep stuff to think about at 23. Too deep.

Then I think about Daisy. We only spent one night kissing. Now, when we see each other, its not weird. There are no uncomfortable moments... except for when I say stuff in group settings like, "You know Daisy tastes like strawberries? Go figure." We are friends and that's that.

I think that I need more Daisy's and less Clandrea's in my life right now.

Sure, when I showed up at Daisy's after our night of passion to further woo her, only to find she was N.O.T.I 6 with some dude on her sofa... I was embarrassed. But it went away really fast, because I wasn't emotionally invested. As opposed to say Claire telling me I would never make a good husband because one time when I was 15 I killed a few toads with a nail gun or whatever other high and mighty hang-up she could think of. That really hurt, because I really liked Claire.

So I have decided at least this month to no longer attach kissing to commitment. Daisy didn't. She made off like a bandit.

While explaining this new theory to the guys there was a mixture of support and mockery. Aaron was quick to point out that when the girl is the user that it works but when the guy is the user this rarely works. Maybe he's right, women do tend to get more emotionally attached to kisses, but how am I supposed to know if that's true? I haven't fully experienced it yet.

This weekend a big group of us went up to Echo Lake. I ended my drought with not one, but two horizontal make outs. High Fives all around, right?

First was this girl Janice. We met two weeks ago at one of our Thursday parties. We've been flirting and texting pretty regular. We were out on the canoe and I said, "Ever made-out in a canoe?" This technique was surprisingly effective. We ended up making out in the canoe and then finding a sort of sandy slightly rocky beach portion away from the main group to roll around on. I recommend canoe kisses and making out in swimsuits.

Janice stuck pretty close to me after that, which was a little troubling because I had actually invited another girl who didn't really know anyone else besides me. Her name is Christine. I had been set up with her in the beginning of the summer, and it never really went anywhere. So I was a little surprised when I asked if she wanted to come to the lake and she said yes.

Later in the day back at the campsite I was sitting between Janice and Christine scratching both of their backs while our group sat around joking and eating watermelon. Christine asked me if I wanted to go for a walk down to the lake. I said, "Sure." Janice piped in, "That sounds nice, can I come?" Which Christine didn't seem to keen about.

This is one of those situations where big groups come in handy. There were 23 of us at Echo that weekend. Big groups make it so easy to distract and escape. I signaled to Calvin who looked like he needed a break from Annie who wouldn't leave his side. He came over and started a conversation with us. Knowing my plight he masterfully brought up a topic that he knew would interest Janice. Proposition 8. Which Janice is staunchly opposed too. They got into a healthy discussion and in no time Christine and I were able to sneak away.

Mid-way through our walk we stopped by this big tree and Christine asked me if I liked Janice. I said, "We made out once (I accidentally left out that it was 5 hours earlier) but there was nothing there." A True statement. Christine said, "I think Janice is really pretty." I replied, "I think you're really pretty." Also a true statement.

Christine blushed and asked. "Why was there nothing there?" I said, "We didn't kiss well together." She looked at me in a "greenlight" sort of way and asked, "What do you mean?" I really wanted to say, "Um... let me show you." I wanted to say that just because it's so cheesy it would be hilarious to tell Calvin about later, but instead I just went for it.

We made out up against that old tree for way too long, because my knuckles are all scraped up and swollen from holding the back of her head with the tree behind it.

That night I slept in the big tent with both Christine and Janice and six other people. Which made it so I didn't have to choose who to sleep next to. The next morning there was no weirdness or anything either. It was awesome!

I don't know if Janice and Christine know that I kissed both of them this weekend. I gotta think they do know. When a guy and a girl disappear at a lake... what else is going on? Either way, there has thus far been no drama as a result and I was able to end my dry streak.

So far my theory stands. Kissing is fun. Why not kiss? It's just a kiss. It's just like a magic penny, hold it tight, and you wont have any... but spend it, lend it and you'll have so many they'll roll around on the floor, or the beach, or the canoe.

Jake

Echo Ratio

2010-08-13T00:34:00.001-07:00

Someone pointed out a while ago that it seems like I always seem to date girls who are still living at home. For some reason it took me until now to realize that it's true. Even girls who aren't living at home force me to pick them up at their parents house for dates. I don't think that's cool. Not at all. So I made a goal. I figure that one of the benefits of not living at home anymore (ie living in my own house) is that I shouldn't have to pick up girls and meet their parents on first dates. Right? I mean... in the movies when people are dating, they don't meet parents until they're, like, engaged. So I've decided that's what I'm gonna strive for. I'm only gonna meet one more set of parents and they're gonna be my future in-laws. That is my Friday the 13th resolution.

I've been spending some time with Annie lately. We haven't really been on any official dates, but she's been following me around quite a bit. Whenever she comes over to our house, it's like she looks for me. Once she finds me, she follows me around the house. I thought it was awesome until I made out with her last Monday. Now it's just irritating. I'm not trying to be rude or anything. She's extremely attractive, but she's only 18 and it shows. Everyone in our house tries to avoid her, as well. I'm the first one to enjoy her horizontally and the last to realize how irritating she is.

She came over again on Wednesday night. We decided to barbeque in our front yard so we were all hanging out, sitting on blankets and talking while Tim had pork chops and corn on the cob cooking on the Q. I guess that when a person makes out with an 18 year old, the 18 year old assumes you're a couple. I admit, even if I'd have known that a week ago, I have no doubt that I'd still have pursued Annie anyway. I'm very short-sighted when it comes to stuff like that.

The most irritating part, though, is that she never freakin' shuts up. And it seems like everything she says is an attempt to make me jealous. She never asks me questions or talks about her family or anything. It's always stuff like, "So, Jeffery called me again today and I was, like, 'Hello! We broke up two months ago! Leave me alone!' It's crazy. He just can't let me go." Then she looks at me like she's waiting for me to ask for his address so I can beat him up or something. The truth is, I am a pretty jealous person. And if I was actually interested in Annie, I'd probably be jealous. But I'm not. At one point Annie started telling a story about two guys at her work fighting over her or something. Luckily Jake was there at the beginning of the story, so I made up an excuse and left them talking on the front porch without me. The sad part is I have actually asked all of my roommates to steal her away from me, but nobody wants to. Sigh.

We're planning on going up to Echo Lake tomorrow (Friday) night and Saturday night. There's a girl in our ward who grew up near Echo Lake and she invited us to go to her home ward on Sunday morning. So that's the plan.

Here's the cruddy part. There are tons of girls coming up there with us. All seven of the roommates are going and we have nine girls coming. A couple of them are ugly so it ends up being a perfect ratio... aside from the two trolls, but we figure they can entertain each other. The problem is that Annie is coming. She's gonna think she's my date or something. Seriously. I'm extremely unexcited to go up to Echo Lake with seven hot girls who are probably looking for an average looking funny cuddle buddy... except I'll have a date. I don't want a date.

My only option here is to try to convince Aaron or Lance to bust a serious move on Annie tomorrow afternoon or something. I doubt it'll work, but I don't know what else to do.

The other cruddy thing is that one of the ugly girls told us today that she's inviting her co-worker. A dude. So not only is this girl ugly... she also thinks she's gonna be on The Amazing Race next season with her ugly friend... and on top of all that, she invited her stupid guy co-worker to Echo Lake screwing up our entire guy/hot girl ratio.

Calvin

Sexual transgressions worth mentioning.

2010-08-09T09:24:00.000-07:00

My roommate Gabe has been up to no good. Having served my mission with him I knew he was a hopeless romantic. I guessed that the ladies would like him. I never fully grasped how aggressive he was in relationships until I lived with him. I noted yesterday that Gabe did not partake of the sacrament. Late last night after watching some Adult Swim I asked Gabe how things were going with his latest squeeze.

Gabe's girls name is Taren. She's a red head and seems pretty sexually charged. Honestly, I haven't had too many conversations with her because Gabe keeps her to himself. Gabe told me, "Things have gotten a little hot and heavy lately." I said, "How hot and heavy?" Gabe smiled nervously and said, "Well, I won't be taking the sacrament for a while. Let's put it that way." I looked at him. Did he really think he could leave it there? Did he forget when we were on our mission and we had 'past transgression nights' where we would describe in great detail all the bad things we had done?

I said, "Dude, this is me you're talking to. Why don't you put it in a way that I'm going to know exactly what happened?" He looked at me sullenly and said, "It's bad." I replied, "How bad?" Gabe replied, "Like... like a ten." I almost yelled, "A ten???" He looked at the ground. I continued, "Dude, are you telling me Taren's got your V-card?" Gabe looked shocked, "No, NO! Not that bad. Geez." I laughed and said, "Isn't 10 the highest? How high up does this scale go?" Gabe said, "Um yeah I didn't know there was a real scale, but I guess if there was and what I did was a ten then it would go up to, like, 14." I laughed and said, "I'm obviously not very experienced because I thought there were only three bad things you could even do, and you're saying there are 14." Gabe and I stopped talking about a scale and he went on to tell me what actually happened between he and Taren.

From time to time, even with us Mormon bachelors there are sins committed that we generally don't talk about on the blog because we want to keep things appropriate. We don't want to write things in bad taste or that might make Heavenly Father shake his heavenly head. At the same time these are real things that happen to real people. To avoid discussing them altogether seems like we're pretending they don't happen. That doesn't help anyone, not that that is this blogs sole purpose or anything, but helping has become an "originally unintended" side effect.

Part of why I write is to shed light on the reality of being a twenty something male who also happens to be Mormon. Though Mormons are taught not to break the Law of Chastity and try their very best not to break the Law of Chastity that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It does happen, and dealing with it and overcoming issues of chastity are part of the process of learning and growing.

So after relaying my talk with Gabe to Calvin, to try to keep in line with being tasteful and still being true to the truth, we have devised another scale to talk about chastity transgressions. We will use this going forward on the blog to discuss what, if any, sexual transgressions are worth mentioning.

How bad is bad? Here is what the "For The Strength Of Youth Pamphlet" says:

Before marriage, do not do anything to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not allow anyone to do that with you. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. In cultures where dating or courting is acceptable, always treat your date with respect, never as an object to be used for your lustful desires. Stay in areas of safety where you can easily control your physical feelings. Do not participate in talk or activities that arouse sexual feelings.

It has been a couple months since I have read through this...

Originally I had planned on citing that this pamphlet was really only targeting "The Youth" which means 12-18 year olds. Surely, I thought, we 23 year old returned missionaries live by a higher law where "[lying] on top of another person" is a necessary evil required in finding a spouse. The "For The Strength of Young - Single Adults" must surely have a different set of rules. Well I think it's safe to say the above copied and pasted paragraph is pretty clear. Basically if you whisper to a member of the opposite sex too close to their ear you are crossing the line.

It's true if Gabe and Taren were following the FTSOYP guidelines they definitely wouldn't be passing along the Sacrament tray.

The sad reality is, however, that 20-somethings are constantly arousing the powerful emotions that must only be expressed in marriage. We should all strive to be more chaste.

Now that I have spent a couple of paragraphs covering what we all know we should be doing, I'm going to now talk about the scale that Calvin and I came up with to illustrate what transgressions go on among our peers, and (heaven forbid) someday Calvin (because I, of course, would never break the Law of Chastity) so that we can write about it on our blog without getting into the juicy details.

We chose, again, to do a 1-10 scale because, well, we can't always be creative. With the FTSOYP as our guide to what is "bad" we came up with the following:

We call it the N.O.T.I. scale... or the Nasty or Otherwise Transgressional Infractions (pronounced "Naughty") Example of use:

CALVIN: So... did you score?
JAKE: Yes.
CALVIN: N.O.T.I.?
JAKE: 4
CALVIN: N.O.T.I. 4 huh? That's pretty good for a 2nd date.

I am trying to be careful about the words I use so as to not offend while still illustrating what I hope this list helps me to never have to illustrate with more than one of these numbers.

Unpassionate kissing
Passionate Kissing
Vertical Make-out
Horizontal Make-out
Necking
Light Petting
Dry Humping
Heavy Petting
Oral Sex
Intercourse

If, for some reason, you're unclear as to what each of these things are, feel free to click here for a more detailed and slightly inappropriate list of definitions.

Again, I am not condoning any of these activities. In fact I would suggest that everything above a 5 needs to stop right now and probably wouldn't hurt to discuss with your bishop. I further submit that everything above a 2 leads to things beyond a 5 so be very careful and avoid them at all costs! I know I do.

Oh, and I basically wrote this whole thing up to tell you that Gabe and Taren were N.O.T.I. 8... tsk tsk. I hope the repentance process isn't too hard on them.

Jake

Proposition 8

2010-08-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

Surprise, surprise. Calvin has something controversial to say. That's right. I'm about ready to talk about something that you have a strong opinion about. I'm not sure what your opinion is, but I'm sure it's a strong one.

First let me start out by saying two things. First, I love everyone (except for my stupid co-worker initials B.S. coinidentally. He's an idiot and I hope he gets hurt really bad and ends up with a nasty scar). Even if we disagree, I still love you. Second, I'm perfectly able and willing to recognize that all of my feelings toward you... be it 'shock', 'amazement', 'frustration', 'anger', etc... are mostly likely felt by you... toward me. I know. I know. As bad I want you to agree with everything I say, I understand that you want me to agree with everything you say. I just want you to know that I understand that concept before I delve into the meat of this post.

Jake doesn't like it when we talk politics on this blog, Twitter, or Facebook. Mostly because he's afraid that a lot of people might assume that he and I are on the same page... but that is seldom the case with stuff like this. Jake has an opinion about gay marriage, but it isn't as strong as mine and he isn't even close to as passionate about it as I am (tee hee... I said "gay marriage" and "passionate" in the same sentence).

So a couple of days ago I found out that Proposition 8 was overturned in California. I wasn't surprised to see a lot of my non-Mormon friends celebrating this fact. It was truly a landmark occasion. I honestly believe that. However... just because it's a "landmark" occasion doesn't always make it a good occasion. I was watching everyone celebrating and expressing their joy at the judges ruling. Good for you, guys. Good for you.

I was shocked, however, at how many of my Mormon friends and acquaintances were also expressing their enthusiasm over the ruling. I couldn't believe it. 'Surprised' is an understatement. I was utterly shocked. I thought there might be a few, but I was astounded at how many people were happy about Prop 8 being overturned.

Now, I could go on for pages and pages about my opinion, but I don't have the time or the energy so I'm going to try to be as brief as possible as I communicate my feelings over the last few days.

"Finally, the State of California is doing the right thing." Actually, no. The people of California voted twice and both times voted against allowing gays to marry. ONE SINGLE JUDGE overturned the ruling. Not the State of California.

"I'm just happy that people born gay will be able to get married." Born gay? So if a person is born with gay tendencies, that makes it ok? Cause there are people born every day with tendencies toward a myriad of sins, but we're taught that the natural man is an enemy to God. We should always be trying to overcome temptation to sin. It's unfortunate that some gay people are attracted to their own gender, but that doesn't mean it's not a sin to engage in that type of behavior.

"As long as it doesn't affect me, let them do what they want." So what happens if gays are allowed to marry? Won't school teachers be forced to include gay relationships as legally accepted forms of marriage in classrooms? During the sex-ed talk in 5th grade, are they going to start including gay butt sex? I mean, it's legal and socially acceptable now, right? They should probably talk about it so our 11-year-old's are completely clear on that kind of stuff.

"Okay... but other than that, it doesn't affect me." For arguments sake, let's pretend that they legalized gay marriage today. Then tomorrow two gay men approach their Mormon bishop and request to get married. The bishop doesn't agree with gay marriage so he refuses to perform the ceremony. Those two gay men can now sue the church for discrimination. A person who has the power to marry two people has been accused of discriminating against a gay couple. You don't think that affects you?

"Gays being allowed to get married is inevitable. What's the point in trying to stop it?" I actually agree that gay marriage will eventually be legal in the entire country and possibly the entire world. But just because I think it's probably going to happen doesn't mean it's okay for me to sit back and let it happen. It's my responsibility to do everything in my power to stop it.

"I don't know why people are making such a big deal out of this." Maybe it's because some of us are afraid that legalizing gay marriage will open the door to other types of things.

"You're not gonna talk about humans trying to marry animals are you?" No. I'm not. I don't think that hypothetical argument is very feasible. I will, however, mention that polygamy or maybe adult siblings wanting to get married is extremely likely to come up as a result of legalizing gay marriage. In both of those examples we have consenting adults wanting to marry each other. Why would we allow two guys to get married, but not a brother and a sister?

"Because that's just gross. And they'd have deformed kids." What if they could prove they were unable to reproduce and they only wanted to get married because they loved each other dearly and wanted all the rights that come with marriage?

"Now you're just being stupid." I have a feeling that 2o years from now when the world is comparable to Sodom and Gomorrah, we're gonna look back at gay marriage and think, 'That's where it all started'.

"But forcing gay people to live the same morals as we do sounds a lot like Satan's plan. Didn't he try to force everyone to obey the commandments? We can't take away their agency." So... why do we have any laws then? If murdering someone is against the law, then we're taking away their freedom to do what they want, right? Of course not. People still have the agency to do what they want... it's just that we impose certain consequences on those actions. Not allowing gay people to get married isn't taking away anyone's agency.

"Yes it is. It's taking away their right to marry a member of the same sex." Well, I don't have that right, either. A gay man can't marry another man... and neither can I. So really, what gay people are requesting are additional rights. They want a right that I don't have.

"But us Mormons believe that unless it's a temple marriage, it's not a 'real' marriage anyway (as in, not for time and all eternity). So what's the difference between a marriage outside the temple vs a gay marriage?" A man and woman marrying outside the temple still have the option available to them in this life or the next, to accept the Gospel and spend eternity together. Two men will never have that same opportunity. Ever. Two men will never be able to be sealed for time and eternity. Ever. No matter what.

"How can you say that? At one point in Mormon history, God didn't allow blacks to hold the Priesthood. I'm sure back then, some ignorant Mormon said the same thing about blacks never ever ever being allowed to have the Priesthood. And today... they have it." Are you honestly trying to tell me that at some point in the future, God is going to allow two gay men to co-habitate in the Celestial Kingdom and create worlds together? I'm assuming you think they'll just be allowed to spiritually adopt spirit children from the heterosexual couples chillin' with them in the CK.

"I think that gay couples deserve to be happy. If they want to adopt and raise children, I think they should be able to." You think they should be able to raise a child in a homosexual environment as long as it makes them happy? Does the welfare of the child come into play at all in your mind or are you only concerned about what make gay couples happy?

"What do you mean 'welfare of the child'? There are thousands of heterosexual couples who are horrible, abusive, neglectful parents. If gay couples provide loving environments for children, that's all that matters." You can't compare the best possible gay marriage to the worst possible hetero marriage. That's not fair. Let's look at it this way: If you had a child you were putting up for adoption and you had it narrowed down to two couples, one straight and one gay, which would you choose?

"That depends on a whole lot of other things." Let's pretend you could see into the future and you knew that both couples would provide an equally loving home for 50 years. I'm asking you straight out which couple you would choose to care for your child.

"Fine. Fine. I'd choose the straight couple." Did you choose the straight couple because you don't want your kid to get made fun of at school or do you honestly believe that the best environment for raising a well-rounded child is in a home with a father and a mother?

"All I know is that I think the Mormon church leaders were wrong when they didn't let blacks have the Priesthood and I think they're also wrong about this." So what your saying is that you're planning on disagreeing with the Proclamation to the Family and our First Presidency including the Prophet of God because you think at some point down the road, they're all gonna change their minds. If they changed their minds once (ie blacks and the priesthood) then they might do it again... so you're gonna go in the complete opposite direction of the Mormon Church and it's counsel.

"The Church isn't allowed to tell me how to vote. I'm super pissed that the Church has chosen to become so involved in this obviously political issue." Sure. Gay marriage is a political issue. And I recognize that churches aren't allowed to tell it's members how to vote or else they'll lose their tax exempt status. But the Church isn't doing that... no matter how bad you want to blame the Church for disagreeing with you... they aren't doing anything they're not supposed to do. They are simply expressing their opinion and reiterating their (our) beliefs. Don't you remember how often we are counseled by our church leader to "vote with your conscience"? Just because a church says, "Marriage between a man and woman is the bedrock of society." doesn't mean they are telling their members how to vote. Get over it! If you feel guilty about voting against the church, that's your problem. Quite blaming the church for reminding you about your own beliefs. Stand up for yourself. Own up to it. Admit that you think our church leaders are old-fashioned hypocrites who need to get with the times and start being more accepting of the sins of others.

That is all. Have a great day.

Calvin

Next Week: The Myth of Global Warming

The Compliment

2010-08-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

I don't think there has been a night in the last two weeks that I have been to bed before 3am. Which has made my job complicated because I'm supposed to be there at 6am. I have been late for work every single day. Sometimes, by as much as half an hour.

You'd think with my earlier post this year that I would have been fired by now. Believe me they huff and puff like they are going to fire me... but they don't. Ha ha, they can't. I'm the number one salesman in the company every month. Not by a little, but by a lot. So today the owner of the company has me come into his office. I assumed it was either for a pep talk or a scolding.

When I walk in he has a receptionist at the desk right in front of his door. She's really cute. Her hair is short, her skin dark, she has light eyes like a gray or blue or gray-blue. She is wearing a business suit and looks way more professional than anyone on the sales floor. She smiles at me and tells me that the big man will be a minute.

I sit there for a while. I try not to stare at her, but it was either her or a big vase in the corner. She was typing something on the computer. I figured she had to be older than me. Like 26 or 28 or something. I had heard that the boss had inappropriate relationships with his secretaries. The boss was like 50 though, I had a hard time imagining it.

I couldn't see if she had a ring. Her left hand was behind the monitor as she typed.

She looked at me and totally busted me staring at her. I tried to look away really fast, but sorta froze. She smiles and says, "So you're the top guy?" I thought about the quote from Indiana Jones, then I realized in the movie they actually say "top men". That thought is interrupted by the stark realization that I am still staring... I say , "I guess." She looks at me. Studies me. She says, "These guys talk about you like you're the great white hope." I don't think she knows what that means. Which I guess doesn't matter if I know what she meant by it. I say, "Does that mean I am not in trouble?" Her smile gets bigger. She says, "Art doesn't do the 'trouble' thing, thats what he's got managers for." I smile and say, "Ah, yes. I've been there before." She looks back at her moniter and types. I manage to pull away my stare.

I looked at the vase for a minute then decided I should capitalize on every second I have with this girl. I look at her and say, "How long have you worked here?" She looks at me. She grins a little and says, "Three years." I nod, not knowing where to go from there. She says, "You're very confident. That's probably what makes you such a good salesman." This caught me off guard. Here I was almost completely petrified unable to be myself in her presence, and she calls me confident? I reply, "You think. Wha- What makes you say that?"

She grabs a pen and taps it on the desk for a few seconds. Then she says, "You stare. In a good way. When I know you are looking at me , I look over and you keep looking, Like you're saying 'yeah, I'm looking at you'." I laugh a little. That is not what I was thinking at all. She grabs a pad and stands up. I say, "Is it creepy?" She starts walking past me out of the room. She is tall, probably as tall as me with her heels (which is a good thing). Her legs were nearly three quarters of her entire body. She instantly went from really cute to sexy. She responds on her walk past, "Not creepy, confident... It's a good thing."

I'm blushing at this point. Then I notice the big fat rock resting on her ring finger. Married. I say "Thank you." She's past me now, headed out of the room and she says, "It was nice meeting you, he'll be ready any minute."

I finally got in and chatted with the big boss. I did end up getting a light scolding for my tardies. It was followed by a verbal commendation. All I could think about was his secretary, though.

I sat there as he talked and instead of listening thought about what a great compliment that was. Even though I don't think it's true, I felt pretty awesome. I didn't know her name. I was going to find it out though.

It wasn't until I got back to the sales floor that I found out from my manager that I just got a 25 cent raise. I blushed again just playing the compliment through my head.

Jake

Cake of Sin

2010-08-02T08:28:00.000-07:00

It only makes sense that since I've already had the best date of all time that it was only a matter of time until I had the worst date of all time. That might be a slight exaggeration, but my date with Stephanie Saturday night was pretty bad.

When I called to ask Stephanie out last week, our conversation was pretty awkward. But it was the first time we'd spoken since the swimming pool, so I didn't think it should count negatively toward her or our chemistry. Stephanie lives in an apartment with a few roommates, but told me she was going to be at her parents house on Saturday and asked if I could pick her up there.

When I got there, her sister let me inside and then left to get Stephanie. I stood in the front room and waited. The house was like a nursing home. It smelled like pee and it was decorated floor to ceiling with little statues and miscellaneous knick-knacks. I didn't count, but I remember seeing at least 20 curio cabinets filled to the brim with figurines. The wall closest to the door had a zillion framed photos presumably of Stephanie's siblings. One of the photos was of two little baby feet... like a posed picture of a newborn infant. Next to it was a photo of the face of a sleeping baby.

When Stephanie came in she caught me studying the photos on the wall. I pointed to the picture of the baby and asked, "Is that your little sister?" Stephanie said, "No. That's my older sister. She was a still birth." So that's how the date started. With me asking about the photo of a dead baby that has been framed and hanging on her parents wall for 23 years.

The good news was that Stephanie had a pretty nice body. And she looked really good with a little bit of makeup on. When we met at the pool her hair was wet and she didn't have any makeup on. She was pretty tall, though. Almost too tall. It looked like she was exactly my height... which isn't good.

We went to eat at Ruby River before the comedy show. The conversation was pretty good, but it wasn't great. After dinner, I told the waiter that it was Stephanie's birthday and asked if they could sing her a song. Stephanie stared at me like she'd just witnessed me stabbing a puppy with a ball-point pen. The waiter said, "We don't sing, but I'll bring out some ice cream cake." After he left, I noticed Stephanie was still staring at me with her lips parted. "You totally just lied." Was she serious? "Well, I guess technically. But now we get free dessert." I couldn't believe Stephanie was so shocked. Had she really never lied about her birthday to get a free dessert at a restaurant? I had always assumed that it was every single persons birthday when I eat out.

The waiter came back out and put the dessert in front of us with two forks. She didn't touch her fork. So I ate it all. It was hard, too, cause I normally don't like stuff like that. But I wanted to prove a point. I'm not sure what the point was, but I proved it.

I couldn't tell if the comedy show was below average or if neither one of us really wanted to be there so we didn't find it very funny.

Despite how horrible the date was going, on the drive home I couldn't help but wonder if Stephanie and I would be making out on her doorstep. Even though I was pretty sure she didn't like me very much, I thought it would be pretty great to have an Angry I Hate You So Much makeout. I'd never had one of those, but it sounded pretty awesome.

As we got closer to her house, I thought I'd liven the mood by singing a song out loud for her... like a little impromptu karaoke. As luck would have it, Poison was the next song on my iPod playlist. I didn't think through the lyrics before I started singing. I was more interested with putting on a humorous show complete with air guitar, air drums, head banging, and full body convulsing. I sang the verses loudly and pretty much right in Stephanie's face:

Your mouth. So hot.
Your well. I'm caught.
Your skin. So wet.
Black lace on sweat.

Keep in mind, this is pretty much the most bitchin' song in the entire world. But before I could get to the second chorus, Stephanie says, "Well, this is a great way to ring in the Sabbath Day." I stopped singing and said, "What?" Stephanie motioned to the clock in my truck that read 12:03... Sunday morning. "I said this song is a great way to ring in the Sabbath."

I turned the stereo off and didn't say anything else until we got to her apartment. Stephanie didn't even give me a chance to open my car door. She was out of my truck almost before it had rolled to a stop.

Stephanie has a pretty nice butt.

-Calvin

Two K's

2010-07-31T10:43:00.000-07:00

After meeting the three blonds we have been hanging out with them a lot. Sure enough Farrah and Lance are looking to be coupled in the future. Kelly has been at our house nearly every night since the first. She just pops in whenever she's in the area. I have been flirting with her and with Karen. I know they're both friends, but they're not that good of friends. They are both friends with Farrah and only each other because of their connection to her.

If they find out it, could spell disaster... but only for my relationship with them. There are plenty of other girls rolling in and out of this house that I can afford to make a few mistakes, I figure. Besides after Claire and Andrea and all the drama that ensued I've decided that I take relationships a little bit too seriously. I need to lighten up. So flirt on, that's my new motto.

Here are some flirtings I have had through text with the two friends:

JAKE - 1:14pm: So... how was Hawaii?
KAREN - 1:20pm: Amazing!
JAKE - 1:30pm: Nice. I should go there some time.
KAREN - 1:33pm: Have you never been? Where is your favorite place you have traveled to?
JAKE - 1:50pm: Nope, never. Favorite? Ireland.
KAREN - 1:55pm: Did you visit there for soccer? I am saving to go to Greece. That's the next big trip I want to take.
(Karen is hotter than me. I think she's an 8 even if Calvin thinks she's a 5 that looks like a blond Kermit the Frog. So I realize that she is responding to me almost instantly. Which is a good sign. I want to keep her on her toes, so I decide to delay my responses in hopes that this would make her as crazy as it does me.)
JAKE - 2:40pm: I served my mission there. Greece? That's so trendy... Lets go to Istanbul instead.
KAREN - 2:51pm: That is awesome you served your mission in Ireland. What part? Is that when you started liking soccer? Have you been back since?
JAKE - 3:22pm: Dublin. No. No.
KAREN - 3:50pm: Have you seen Green Street Hooligans?
(I notice she waited 30 minutes to respond to that one... which probably means she just had to take a crap... but just in case she was trying to respond to my delayed responses I decided to double my response time - which was really hard to do.)
JAKE - 5:46pm: Yes.
KAREN - 5:53pm: I love that movie! I haven't seen it in a while but its one I never get sick of.
(Ah, a 7 minute response... much better. And, she left me an obvious open invitation to ask her to watch Green Street Hooligans with me.)
KAREN - 5:59pm: And by the way, Greece is not too trendy. And I think you're cute.
KAREN - 6:10pm: And when I say cute, I mean hot.
(Okay she said I was cute I could capitalize right now, but me and Aaron are going to go see Inception again tonight with The Twins. So I decide that the best way to play this is to not respond to her AT ALL. She knows she's hot, and I'm certain she knows she's hotter than me. Yet here she was tossing me hints like they're ninja stars. I decided that if I ignored her after confessing that she thought I was attractive would make her want me even more. So I didn't respond till the next morning.)
JAKE - 8:58am: Rumor has it flattery will get you everywhere.
KAREN - 8:59am: Except a rapid response from Jake Halifax.
(I count that as proof that my strategy worked.)
KAREN - 9:22am: And Jake when I say that, naturally I mean it in the cleanest way possible.
JAKE - 9:28: Wanna get lunch today?

(While I was at lunch with Karen)
KELLY - 12:43pm: You never text me back?
JAKE - 1:11pm: I always text you back, sometimes it takes 3 days.
KELLY - 1:19pm: Funny. You never responded to my last question.
JAKE - 1:44pm: I forgot.
KELLY - 1:50pm: I know. That's what I am saying.
(I didn't forget I was just pretending. Because if a cute girl thinks you aren't thinking about her it makes you "different" and girls like different.)
JAKE - 2:21pm: No, I forgot what you asked.
KELLY - 2:25pm: You're bad at texting.
JAKE - 2:30pm: I warned you.
KELLY - 2:40pm: Have you ever been surfing?
JAKE - 3:15pm: Yep, a few times. I am good at everything... except texting.
KELLY - 3:23pm: Hmm, everything but text? I think I am going to like this.
KELLY - 4:03pm: I'm starting to wonder if you're one of those examples of the pen is mightier than the sword. You're sure good at writing, but...
JAKE - 4:21pm: But?
KELLY - 4:24pm: Well, I guess we'll see.
JAKE - 4:28pm: Ha ha, I'm not worried. I'm way better in person.
KELLY - 4:31pm: You don't seem to worry about anything. I think that's part of your appeal.
(She might as well have ask me out. I decide I am going to hold out on her too... make her think about me a little more, then she throws me a curveball.)
KELLY - 5:05pm: Send me a picture.
(This has never happened to me before. What was she asking? I have heard of it, but wasn't really sure what was expected. A picture of my face? in one of those myspace poses? Not bloody likely.)
KELLY - 5:26pm: Just do it!
(I decided to send her a picture of an oven I already had in my phone from selling it on KSL weeks ago.)
KELLY - 5:35pm: You are one strange mofo.
JAKE - 5:40pm: Strange?
KELLY - 5:47pm: You sent me a stove when I wanted to see your face (or butt).
JAKE - 6:31pm: Well, you can't blame me for your inability to specify...
KELLY - 6:32pm: Send me a picture of your face. Please.
(I found an old picture of me with head phones and sunglasses and stuff on and sent it.)
KELLY - 6:48pm: Watch out world. Here comes Jake the bad ass! :) whats with all the equipment?
JAKE - 7:00pm: Sunglasses: protect my eyes from harmful UV rays. Seatbelt: Keeps me in place in case of a crash. T-shirt: protects upper body from chaffing seatbelt might cause. Headset: Allows me to talk to & hear other passengers over noise of the engine.
KELLY - 7:04pm: Really?? You fly? Will you take me?
JAKE - 9:36pm: Ha ha, no... I ride. I was in the backseat.
KELLY - 9:40pm: Dang, I was ready to kiss you.
JAKE - 11:19pm: Curses, oh well... I'll have to make do kissing girls who don't only kiss pilots.
KELLY - 11:23pm: I didn't say I only kiss pilots. I am sure you could think of something to entice me to kiss you. Remember you're good at everything... except texting.
JAKE - 11:42pm: Well, I am a better kisser than any pilot.
KELLY - 11:45pm: Prove it!
JAKE - 11:48pm: Why?
KELLY - 11:56pm: You have the best answers.
(I thought about replying that the only thing I would have to do to entice her is show up... but instead I decided that this was the part where I would ignore her so that I could ensure it.)
KELLY - 12:27am: What should I have said in response to that?
KELLY - 1:13am: Hello? Awake?

I like Karen a little more, mainly because she is hotter... also she seems easier. Plus I know that Kelly has been flirting similarly with Aaron and Peter, but whatever.

Jake

Yup... I Said It...

2010-07-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

Whenever I decide to show up to a social gathering with my roommates, everyone cheers when I walk in. It's like I'm on a sitcom and I'm one of the favorite characters. I don't pretend like I'm the favorite or anything, it's just that I usually don't make much of an effort to go to those kinds of things so when I DO show up everyone acts like it's a special treat when in reality I know I'm being mocked.

We went to the pool party thing on Monday afternoon/evening. It was supposed to be some sort of FHE activity, but we got there late so IF there was a spiritual thought or lesson given... we weren't there for it. It probably took place inside someone's apartment anyway. I can't imagine being able to focus on a spiritual message with everyone hanging out in bathing suits.

When we walked through the gate to the party already in progress I heard at least 10 different people yell, "Calvin!" and "Yay! Calvin's here!" and "I thought you were too good for us, Cal." and "Nice Speedo, Calvin!". Just kidding about the last one. I wasn't wearing my Speedo. However, I WAS wearing a swimming suit that I'm pretty sure I had in Jr. High. It was pretty small. I thought it would work well and help to accentuate my bulge... but in reality, it just revealed by pasty upper thighs and love handles. Just a little bit of a backfire.

Jake, Lance and Aaron jumped right into the mix. There was a volleyball game going on and they slid right into the game with no problems at all. I've mentioned before that I'm not the most athletic guy so I chose to hang in the shallow end with some average looking girls that wouldn't intimidate me. As I looked around at all the girls I observed something very interesting. It looked like they had divided themselves into groups based on how modest their swimming suits were. There was the bikini group. The two-piece-exposed-midriff-but-more-coverage-than-bikini group. Then there was the one-piece group. On the other side of the pool was the one-piece-suit-as-well-as-skirt-like-drapes-meant-to-conceal-larger-than-average-butt group. And finally... over on the grass I saw the we're-so-insecure-with-ourselves-we-refuse-to-let-anyone-see-our-bare-flesh-except-for-our-doctor-and-even-then-he-has-to-ask-us-to-change-into-that-gown-at-least-five-times-before-we-actually-do group.

Eventually I realized that it wasn't so much groups based on modesty as much as it was groups based on self-esteem. There were plenty of girls wearing swimming suits that were the exact opposite of flattering. But there they were. In all their glory. Running. Jiggling. Laughing. Splashing into the pool almost creating Tsunamis after every cannonball. They didn't care. And I thought that was awesome. I realized that I cared way too much about my white thighs.

"Hey, Calvin." I was sitting in a chair by the pool and I glanced down to see a girl hanging onto the side, looking at me. I knew she was in my ward, but I didn't know her name. I replied, "Hey." She looked pretty cute, but she was in the water so I couldn't see her body. Blast. What kind of swimming suit was she wearing?

She motioned to her friend, Natalie, sitting at a table on the other side of the pool. I know Natalie. She's pretty hot. "Natalie just said to me... she said, 'Stephanie, go ask Calvin why he isn't playing volleyball with the other guys.' So... why aren't you?" Stephanie. That's right. Stephanie. I didn't realize until later, but I'm pretty sure she did the same thing I do when I don't think a girl remembers my name.

I explained to Stephanie that I would normally be the first one in the pool playing volleyball, but that I didn't want to overexert myself after my rigorous workout earlier that afternoon. She looked at me to try to figure out if I was joking... since I don't look as though I'm much of a worker outer. I kept a straight face, but I could see a hint of a smile on her lips. She has a really cute mouth and very attractive lips. I said, "I can tell you don't believe me. I have my bar bells in the car if you wanna see them." She laughed, "You have bar bells in your car?" I replied, "Uh... yeah," like it was the most normal thing in the world, "I'm pretty sure that's what every guy does who's as serious about his exercise regimen as I am." I think by this point I had a smile on my face. Stephanie said, "Regimen? Who uses that word?" "Well, obviously you've never met someone as in shape as I am cause the people I hang out with at Wild Oats use 'regimen' it all the time." Stephanie didn't hesitate to call me out on my blunder, "It's not Wild Oats anymore, Calvin. It's Whole Foods now. Nice try." Crap. She got me. "Well, I've been shopping at Wild Oats for so long it's hard for me to call it anything else. It's like the Delta Center. I know it's not called the Delta Center anymore, but I'm always gonna call it the Delta Center."

We talked for a few more minutes, but Stephanie never got out of the pool. She just clung to the side like she'd forgotten how to swim. I stood up once to try to get a better view of her swimming suit and maybe some cleavage, but it didn't work. After 10 minutes or so Jake wandered up to us. I said, "Hey Jake. Do you know Stephanie?" Jake introduced himself and then said, "So... how long have you guys been talking?" Stephanie and I looked at each other and then she said, "I dunno. About 15 minutes." Jake looked at her and said, "And you haven't asked him out yet?" I looked at Stephanie and gave her a "That's true. Why haven't you asked me out?" look. Steph asked, "Do girls usually ask you out after a 15 minute conversation?" Before I had a chance to think of a witty reply, Jake said, "Usually it takes five." While we were both laughing, Jake turned around and walked back toward the volleyball net... like the perfect wingman. A paradisaical wingman from another dimension.

Stephanie said, "I think giving you my phone number is a logical first step." I laughed as I fumbled for my phone to type in her phone number.

We kept talking for a few more minutes, but once a phone number has been given I've always thought it best to get the crap out of there so you don't give the girl a chance to regret giving it to you. But at the same time I really wanted to see Steph get out of the pool. Maybe she was purposely NOT getting out because she didn't want me to see the 30 lbs of cottage cheese she was storing on her thighs.

Then I heard a little bit of commotion over by the volleyball game. Jake's nose was pouring blood. I used it as an excuse to separate myself from Stephanie.

No... Jake didn't get hit with the volleyball and he didn't get elbowed or anything. Turns out this kind of thing happens to Jake once or twice a year. He's been to the doctor and the prognosis has been "Eat healthier. Sleep more." Jake sleeps an average of four hours a night and eats very little. What he does eat can barely be classified as "food stuffs". It's, like, Fig Newtons, milk, and Ramen.

I'll be calling Stephanie tomorrow afternoon to ask her out for this weekend. Hopefully I can get Jake to come, as well. I hate going on first dates without any other couples. Too much pressure.

-Calvin

Tres Rubios y los gemelos (gotta love Google Translate)

2010-07-23T01:12:00.000-07:00

So far since moving in Lance has been all talk. He looks like a playa, he talks like a playa, but he never really brings in the ladies like a playa. Aaron on the other hand is quite capable at bringing around girls. He has this fearlessness about him which somehow allows him to just walk up to strange women and invite them over.

Calvin does a lot of solo type of work where he brings over a girl, dates her, breaks her heart, and occasionally the house can benefit from his seconds. Gabe does the solo thing too, except he hides them from us. I almost never say a word to one of Gabe's girls. If he's with one, he doesn't hang out with us.

Nick never brings anyone over and neither does Tim or Peter.

I am pretty capable when it comes to introducing new women to our pad. Probably only bested by Aaron. I have excellent networking and retention skills that give our house the ability to milk every possible angle from a girl, her friends, co-workers, cousins, sisters, mom... okay not mom... not yet.

Recently there have been two groups of females who have created some excitement among the lads of the pad. The first came surprisingly as a result of Lance and the internet. I call them The Three Blonds. Kelly, Karen, and Farrah. They are all cute and all very blond. Lance met Kelly on Facebook and invited her over and she just brought the other two with her.

The first night a group of girls comes over we try to ensure that no other groups are going to be there. This way they can receive the full attention of our house and not be scared off by our usual harem. This allows us to determine quite subtly how we are going to pair off. We can see who likes them and try and guess who they like.

The Three Blond's arrived and I instantly picked Karen as my favorite by looks. Then within the first hour or so I started to lean towards liking Farrah. Farrah was spunky and fiery. She was the obvious leader and I found that attractive. Plus she was all about school and getting a masters and stuff which I also find attractive. It was apparent though that she was the favorite of a few of the other guys and it seemed like she was getting into Lance.

I really feel like I may have had a chance at working on Farrah that night. I rarely felt threatened in competition with my roommates except for with Calvin but he wasn't there. Unfortunately, a second group of new girls just decided to stop by that night.

These girls came as a result of my effort... so the task to entertain them was left to me. We never let new girls co-mingle until we know them better because we know what a tendency they have to be catty with each other, especially in fertile grounds like our house.

We call these girls The Twins because, well... two of them are twins. Dana and Donna are identical twin sisters. They are both cute, too. We just call them the twins because the other girls who hang out with them are of little interest to any of the guys and therefore are just referred to under the umbrella of the term The Twins. They have a sidekick, Carol, who isn't really cute but is pretty good for a conversation. Today, the twins also brought along their step sister who I had only met once before.

We went into the living room and talked while the other three guys who were home stayed and fought over The Three Blonds. I had met them at my little brothers mission farewell. That was a couple months ago, and I had been nurturing the contact to get them over here and it was just now starting to work out.

We talked and flirted. Aaron masterfully came in and out of both rooms throughout the night. Me and The Twins ended up playing Mario Kart which was fun, but in the few quiet moments I would hear the Three Blonds laugh in unison and wish I was in there with them.

After a couple hours The Twins left. I felt I made some good headway with getting them to come back.

When I returned to the room The Three Blonds were hanging in they were all watching Hot Rod. During the "Huwhy ham hi saying huwhisky huwhat huway?" scene I watched the pairings. Lance was in the little loveseat with Farrah, he was tickling her arm. Nick and Kelly were sitting awkwardly on the sofa not touching but close enough that it was clear they wanted to. Gabe sat behind Karen and was rubbing her neck.

I stood for a few moments thinking I had missed my chance and was about to leave when Gabe got a phone call. He left the room to answer it and I thought, "I should take his spot." My thought was interrupted by a huge pit in my stomach. Then Karen said, "Jake. I need someone to sit behind me." I tried to be funny and looked around and pointed at myself and then whispered "Me?" She laughed and said "Get over here."

The girls left right after the movie. Lance got a text from Farrah saying that Karen was creeped out by Gabe and interested in me. Not sure where Nick and Kelly stand but it looks like at least Lance and I had a successful pairing after all.

Jake

Brief Q & A with Accompanying Update

2010-07-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

A month? Seriously? What in the crap have you guys been doing for an entire effing month?

Well that's a good question right there. Jake and I have had several discussions about this here blog and whether or not it was worth our time. I mean, we both like writing. We both like telling stories. We both like making fun of people to their face... while still remaining (somewhat) anonymous. We both like the attention. However, MBP was taking up so much of our time. Especially for me since I had to write my own posts and also proofread them... PLUS proofread and correct Jake's posts, as well. It was so extremely time consuming. So first I was like, "You just loooove being the favorite don't you Jake?" And Jake was like, "I'm not the favorite. What are you talking about? You're the one that all the girls are flirting with." And I'm like, "They only like me because I'm not in the middle of eight zillion relationships. Our readers love you more cause you can type about a bunch of lovey dovey cheesy lame stuff."

The conversation continued for a while until one of us (I'm honestly not sure who) told the other that THEY were more addicted to the MBP attention than... the other. More accusations were made. More gauntlets were thrown. Then we both started trying to convince the other that we could stop the blog cold turkey with no problems at all. The claims began getting more and more outrageous until we both had pretty much sworn off the blog entirely. In fact, Jake told me that he was so indifferent about MBP that he was POSITIVE that he could go longer without MBP twitter, MBP Facebook and even talking about the blog. I said, "You mean you think you can go longer without uttering the words 'Mormon', 'Bachelor', or 'Pad' than I can?" Jake said, "I have no doubt in my mind." Then I said, "Well, not only can I refrain from uttering those three words, but I'll bet I can go longer without even saying the names 'Calvin' or 'Jake'." Jake laughed in my freakin' face and called me an amateur. Then I reminded him that he works with two different guys named 'Jake' and one of them shared a cubicle with him. He still claimed that he could go longer without saying anything about MBP out loud. It was pretty easy during the week, but it got a lot harder to not say "Mormon" on Sundays. We also couldn't talk with Aaron about his favorite show, The Bachelorette, because it included the word "Bachelor". "Pad" was the easiest word to avoid. Mostly cause we're guys and we don't menstruate. (ps. why in the crap is there a "u" in menstruate?" Thanks, spellchecker, for confusing the crud out of me.")

So there we were. For the last month. That's what we've been doing. Trying to outlast each other.

So... who won then?

Well, it's kinda like in high school when my friend and I bet $50 that we could be vegetarian longer than the other one. After 36 hours we found ourselves at The Training Table with a bunch of other people, staring at the menu. We both started talking about all of the delicious animal-based burgers and sandwiches on the menu. We looked at each other and called a truce. Then I ordered the Guacamole Bacon Burger and he ordered the Bleu Bacon Cheese Burger. So that's the longest I've gone without eating meat... and that's similar to how Jake and I decided to keep writing.

So what's up with not being able to leave comments?

Well, since there were only ten people who left regular comments... plus the fact that we ignored pretty much every single speck of advice that people gave us anyway... we decided to just do away with the whole comment thing. Fear not, though. If you have an insult that you feel we must hear, we have email, twitter, and facebook accounts just waiting for your harsh words and criticism.

So are you gonna waste a bunch of posts filling us in on what we missed over the last month are you just gonna skip over all of it and start writing like you used to?

Neither. I'm gonna bring you all up to date on my last four weeks right now:

Week 1: My mom set me up with a receptionist at her work, Shelby. She's cute, but doesn't laugh at my jokes.

Week 2: Shelby is in summer school and always has a bunch of homework so she can't go out with me as often as I'd like.

Week 3: I offer to hang out and help Shelby with her homework. She reluctantly agrees. We actually do her homework and DON'T roll around like I was anticipating with the entirety of my soul.

Week 4: My roommates get wind of my quote DATES unquote with Shelby and try to convince me she is not interested in the least, but doesn't know how to tell me that since she works with my mom. I feel really embarrassed. I ask my mom if Shelby has said anything and my mom tells me that Shelby thinks I'm a really nice guy. It becomes devastatingly apparent that everyone knows Shelby isn't into me... except me. I find the courage to call Shelby and explain to her what my roommates have said and my brand new "jump-started" vibe about how she feels. Shelby sighs and confirms the suspicions in the nicest way possible, but I still kind of hope that she gets punched really hard in the face by another girl at some point in the near future. Not cause I don't like her or anything, but just because that's what she gets for not thinking I'm the awesomest person in the entire world. Which I'm 97% certain I am, because why would my mom tell me something that wasn't true.

Things planned for the near future:

We've been invited to a pool party by an average looking girl in our ward. Even though she's only average, we're still gonna go since there's a good chance there will be other scantily clad attendees.

-Calvin

(Insert custom flower gay-looking border that Aaron crafts specially for us)
________________________________________________________
I’d bet my copy of the Boy Scout Handbook that July is one of the busiest months of the year for a single guy. What with the sun being out, weekly games of Frisbee, BBQ’s, parties, warm late nights… it seems impossible to sum up the last month. Yet I do have a couple of great stories to tell. So I will attempt to be brief and fill you in.

Claire Claire Claire (shakes head instantly giving away the ending to this tale)
Yesterday I met this new girl named Jane. She’s a pretty thing and I initially enjoyed our banter very much. Then I was talking about Predators in mixed company and she said, “Eew you watch rated R movies, that’s so Jack.” While typing this I realize that it’s hard for me to portray how serious she was, but she was dead frickin serious. I quickly responded with, “Well which is worse self righteousness or R rated movies? Because it seems to me like we’re even... with how self-righteous you are being right now.” The retarded look on her face was exactly what I had intended and I walked away hoping Jane would never be back to our house.

This whole thing with Jane happened because of Claire. Calvin and I have recently made a regular occurrence of comparing self-righteousness to other things all because of Claire.

The last post on this blog was about me opening up to Claire. Really opening up. She seemed to take it all very well. She seemed to be so understanding of my past mistakes. Like she accepted me for who I was. I felt connected to her and had decided that night I was going to make my move to tell her how I really felt.

Well it took some doing, we had a lot of fun and spent some time together. I didn’t do it until the 4th of July. A huge and I mean, HUGE, group of us went to Sugar House park. Claire and I got there at 4pm to save a spot with the 8 large blankets we estimated we would need. We played Frisbee, spent time chatting and even ran down to the pond to feed the ducks some of our left over Taco Bell. Then people started arriving and it was a great great night.

After the firework show Aaron and Nick took 'clean up duty' and Claire and I walked back to her car. It was dark, and I grabbed Claires hand. She looked at me a little uncomfortable. I hoped that it was because we had been hanging out so much without actually ever doing this… I was wrong. Since I didn’t know I was wrong I went ahead and bore my soul to her. I told her how she made me feel and how I felt about her. It felt good. It felt overdue. She stopped and said, “Jake I want to feel those things for you, too, but I can’t let myself. We would never work.”

I’m not certain how long it took for me to say something… a long time I think. I asked her if I was in the Friend Zone. She told me that was not it. She told me that she found me attractive and had always had the beginnings of romantic feelings for me. Then she went on to explain that it was my past that scared her. She said she could never trust that the person that I was in the past wouldn’t come back.

We stood there, in the dark. She leaned against a tree, and I swayed back and forth. We talked like that for about an hour. I would bring up forgiveness and growth and she would say something stupid like, “I can’t see myself married* to someone who I’ll always worry will fall away.” I told her she was making a mistake, and then I started to get defensive. Our discussion turned into an argument. I sorta said something I shouldn’t have… and the whole thing ended with her walking away while I stood there. Swaying… I watched her get into her car, and I haven’t seen her since.

I have wondered if I would have made the move earlier or waited to be so honest with her if we would have had something beautiful. However, I like Calvin’s take on it. Calvin thinks that the only thing that would have changed if I had done it differently is that I would have made out with her and then found out she was a self righteous wench.

Andrea
I called Andrea on the 5th of July. I really was planning on calling her the middle of July no matter what, but Claire's starry-eyed ignorance prompted me to do it earlier. Our conversation was brief and unrewarding. I asked her how things were and we went through some small talk. She seemed pretty cold and unexcited. I asked her how things were going since “well-you know” and she simply replied "good". I suggested we hang out sometime and she halfheartedly said "okay". I hung up the phone and felt sick… not because I had known I lost her. More because I felt like I was being blamed for something even though she didn’t say anything to that effect… it was like she was taking something out on me.

I haven’t called or texted her to hang out since.

The last two weeks have been a blast though. Our house is alive with flirtatious fraternization's that I would have never imagined. With a full house of 7 guys living there now, all working together to bring women home for the sharing I expect some exciting things. In fact, if things go according to plan… I think I’ll be snoggin some new honey tomorrow.

Jake

*We Mormons have it ingrained in us at an early age that we “marry who we date” so even though it may seem a little presumptuous of Claire, this is actually pretty common in the Mormon-dating-realm… well in my Mormon-dating-realm, anyway.

The History of Jake 2 of 6

2010-06-21T15:42:00.000-07:00

After reading the title of this post you might think back to the first “History of Jake” post and decide there is no way that you are going to read another really really really really long post. This will not be the case here. If you don’t believe me take a moment to scroll down. See… it’s not that long.

So as I mentioned in that post, I have constantly been at arms with authority. I have struggled my whole life to do what is right. I know that everyone does things like this and struggles, but it seems like my list goes a little further than most. Again, when I say that the only reason I am not in prison right now is because of my belief in Jesus Christ and my attempts to be obedient to him, it is not an exaggeration.

• BULLY: You already know about the bully thing.

• DESTROY: As a child I was a terrible little kid. Prior to high school I did a lot of damage. I cannot even count the number of times I egged someone’s house or car. Or gathered up rotten apples and did the same thing. Some nights we would stand in bushes and as people walked by actually throw rotten apples at them. Throwing rocks through windows, mailbox bashing, and tire slashing were things I instigated often. It all came to a head when I was 14. There was the school district bus yard right behind my house. Along it ran some train tracks. What are train tracks surrounded with? Rocks. I convinced my brother and his friend who was sleeping over one night to go to the tracks and break as many windows in the buses as we could. We broke a lot of windows. Probably 100. We had been there for nearly half an hour when I notice the police that had silently surrounded us. They turned on the spot lights, I yelled "RUN!" and remember being tackled by a policeman. It was three in the morning when my parents got the call that we had been arrested and taken to the police station. I was later sentenced to community service which took an entire year to complete. Needless to say I was grounded for the entirety of 2002.

• LIE: I have in the past been an epic liar. Going above and beyond that of a regular liar. For example: Once I started a new job at a movie theater, there were several cute girls that worked there. I wanted them to like me, so I concocted a huge tragic story to aid in bonding. I told them that while at my Junior prom when I was 16, that it was raining heavily and there was a terrible car accident. That my date died. I would purposely give little bits of the story here and there so that those I told it too would feel as though they had to share some private story from their lives with me so that I would open up. The story was extremely detailed and involved several hundred lies. It even culminated with a tearful confession from me that usually lead to a hug and if I was lucky some impromptu make-outs up in the projector hallway. When I decided quite suddenly to go on a mission (which I wasn’t planning on doing at 18 and will tell you more about in a later history post) I confessed to each and every person about this lie. It was really hard. A lot of the friendships and romances I had in my teenage years where built upon the foundation of sharing this (if it were true) very traumatic and private experience. One which when shared these girls would share with me their most private and traumatic experiences. When I confessed to them that it was all a lie… that instead of going to my Junior prom I actually went to see a movie, by myself, they were hurt and angry. I lost many of my friends just before my mission. This is just one example of many lies I have told that I have confessed.

• STEAL: When I was a child around seven, I stole my Grandmothers camera from off the top of her fridge. I took the remaining pictures on the roll, and then when I tried to open the camera to get the pictures out I learned that you have to develop them first, but in learning this I ruined the roll by exposing it to light. I got caught, and this coupled with other experiences led my parents to send me to counseling for “kleptomania” I was young and don’t remember anything about it except that I kind of had a crush on my therapist. The therapy didn’t work because I grew up only maximizing my ability to steal. I had several jobs in high school, and quickly learned how to take from my employers without getting caught. I stole a lot of money. A lot. I think the actual term is embezzlement. What was really odd about this is that I would keep track of all of the money that I took, with the intention of someday paying it back. That was my justification. When I finally confessed this sin I had racked up a total of nearly $20,000 that I had recorded stealing over my illustrious 3-year working career. In order to go on my mission my parents helped me to get a loan and pay back all five of the places I had stolen from. My mission was delayed about six months as I had to convince each one to provide a letter saying they would not pursue criminal charges.

• ASSORTED WICKEDNESS: There are other things not quite appropriate for the blog, or that I will save for a later history post, but the above isn’t everything. It’s just enough to give you a glimpse.

Claire and I talk a lot. So much so that it makes Calvin jealous. I have touched on many of these topics with her before. Last night, however, we had it out and I fully confessed each and every thing I ever did. She did the same but her worst things were lying to her mom about seeing an R rated movie and ditching school. I finished talking and Claire did her thing about listening and making me just feel comfortable. We finished talking last night at 4:30 in the morning. I have never felt comfortable telling a girl all of the things I told Claire.

For being seeming self righteous on the surface, Claire was incredibly complimentary and understanding. Even with Andrea and Sanders I never would have been able to open up like this. When I was driving home I felt really good about our serious heart-to-heart. I know that on our blog Calvin and I display plenty of gay tendencies so you may take this the wrong way, but the things I told Claire, I have only told Calvin. I decided that that is pretty special and that if I am going to be with someone I should be able to tell them all the things I tell Calvin.

I have decided I am going to make my move on Claire. I’m not sure when... probably this weekend. It’s going to take some courage, but I just feel like this might be a bit of a sign as to what I should do. It puts Claire out ahead of Andrea by quite a bit.

Jake

Greatest Giveaway Ever!

2010-06-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

Jake and I have been talking lately about how awesome it would be to have another Giveaway, except this time we could giveaway an X-box or PS3 or an iPhone 4G or something. Even though we'd love to give away stuff like that, we also realize that we only have five or ten male readers.

I mean, it's possible that some of our girl readers are cute enough to have boyfriends who could benefit from a sweet X-box Giveaway, but it really would just be mean to give a girl an X-box. You're probably asking, "Why would it be mean, Calvin?" Well, because then a bunch of guys would end up using you for your X-box. I don't want to get into the whole "self-esteem" complications that could arise from guys taking advantage of your gaming system, but it's bound to happen.

So we decided the best Giveaway we could do would be to giveaway something that will make you hotter. That's right. We think that girls could always be just a little bit more attractive. And who wouldn't want to be more attractive to members of the opposite sex? (Don't answer that if you're gay or lesbian.)

We did a Shabby Apple dress Giveaway a while back and it seemed to go over pretty well. Except for the fact that the winner didn't like the dress and ended up returning it for the cash, we considered it a success.

It's time for another MBP giveaway. That's right. We have something else to giveaway that will make it easier for guys to look at you for a longer period of time. Have you ever wished your hair was longer? Have you ever got a haircut that ended up being too short and you thought it would be easier to just kill yourself than wait for your hair to grow out? Well drain the hot bath and put the razor blades away. We're giving away HAIR EXTENSIONS!

You would pay anywhere from $800-$1000 for this in a salon. But because we're so awesome, we're giving it away for free (though you should probably still leave April an awesome tip).

The next couple of sentences mean absolutely nothing to me, but I'm going to type them anyway. The hair extensions are done with the Euro Locs method. 100% Remy Human Hair (not from homeless people or carcasses). No glue, heat, sewing, braiding or chemicals during the application or touch-up. And the work is guaranteed.

Let me just say that if I was a a girl or gay or named Aaron, I would LOVE to win this giveaway. But I'm non of those things (arguably) so I won't be entering.

How To Enter:

1. Leave a comment on this post telling us that you want to enter the giveaway.

2. If you want to be entered again, follow April on twitter. Her name is @urhairsucks. She tweets different discounts and deals on hair styles on a regular basis. You won't regret it.

3. If you want to be entered AGAIN then follow us. Yup, you read that right. Follow our blog so Jake and I can high-five after every new follower embarrasses themselves by officially following our blog.

4. And finally, if you want a fourth entry, just mention our blog and bitchin' Giveaway on Facebook or Twitter.

Remember that you need to leave a separate comment for each entry.

You have until 11:59 on June 25th to enter.

If you live outside of Utah, you can still enter the giveaway. If you win you have a couple of options. The winner has six months to "cash in" the prize. If you'll be in Utah anytime in the next six months, you can collect it yourself. If you know someone in Utah, you can give it to them. Awesome, right? Totally awesome. If you don't have any friends anywhere and you're selfish and want the prize all to yourself, you could also just wait until airfare to Utah is cheap. It might be worth it to you to spend a couple hundred bucks to fly to Utah to get a $1000 worth of horizontal hair action.

Or have your parents pay for your flight. Sample conversation:

You: Mom, I was thinking about how great it would be to satiate my soul by actually attending General Conference this year, but I can't afford to fly to Utah. (sigh) I guess I'll just keep praying for a miracle.

Your Mom: I'm so proud of your mature desire to see the Prophet in person. I'd love to help build your testimony and strengthen your spirit by paying for you to fly to Utah in October.

When you get home your mom will think you were so spiritually edified that it caused your hair to grow eight inches.

Good luck!

Calvin

Contact April Dolato
623 E. Fort Union (North side between Golden Corral and the fire station)
Sandy, Utah
801-712-5627

MBP Readers get 10% off all cut, color, perms (if people still do that anymore) and extensions. Pretty much everything. Except waxing. April doesn't do waxing.

World Cup and Stuff

2010-06-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

It's no secret I love soccer. Seen my avatar? (look left). So I get excited to watch the World Cup, as excited as the next guy. Well the next soccer-loving guy. Calvin couldn't care less really. When I tried to explain to him how France qualified for the World Cup and Ireland didn't because France scored off of a "handball" Calvin asked, "Okay, and what's wrong with that?" How he could have served his mission in a country like Ireland and not understand its simple rules might seem baffling to you, but that's Calvin. If it doesn't interest him, it doesn't exist.

So anyway, I love the World Cup, of course. It makes watching Sports Center a little bit more worth it. It has great commercials, everything is so epic, like the world revolves around the sun only because soccer exists or something. Plus it provides some good soccer. I hate the guys who tweet throughout each entire game, and write stuff like "Goooooaaaaaaaaallllllll!!!!" Geez that's annoying. Also, if I wasn't already watching the game and I was interested enough to get a tweet every freaking time someone scored or got a yellow card I would be following the game online or something rather that waiting for your stupid tweet mimicking some South American game announcer.

Having said all that, I am not the type of guy to watch every single World Cup game. I love soccer and all but, a game (between French cheater-faces and I-can't-even-remember-I-was-so-bored) that ends in a 0-0 tie makes me wish I could only watch the 3 minute highlight reel.

So, Claire invited me to this World Cup party last Saturday, which started at 5am! That's 30 minutes earlier than I wake up for work. The thought of getting up that early on a Saturday makes my head hurt. But... it was Claire, and I like to perpetuate myself as someone who's always down to party. Besides I really did want to watch the USA vs England game. Claires World Cup party boasted an HD projector. Calvin has a nice 32 inch LCD that he bought when we moved into this house which is a little on the small side especially for watching soccer.

So Claire picks me up and we head over to this guys house. There were about 7 people there at 5:30. Four guys, me, Claire and one other girl. I invited my roommates, but they didn't have a crush on Claire fogging their judgment to make them think waking up so friggin' early on a Saturday morning was a good idea.

This dude has a killer theater room in his place (or rather his parents place). They even have those light ropes in the floor lining the walkways. Claire and I ended up in the front on one of the love sacs. There was an early goal which we all got to cheer for, and then Claire fell asleep next to me.

I fell asleep. I think everyone did, except for one guy. (The crazy tweeter-watch-every-game-and-brag-about-it-doucher I was referring to earlier.) The love sac helped me and Claire to get really close as we both sunk into the middle. I love Luv Sac's. We slept all morning even through to the next World Cup game that started at 8am.

It was awesome, I would wake up periodically. Claire got more and more comfortable and nuzzled my neck. Her hair smelled awesome. It was actually the most physical Claire and I had ever gotten. I was loving it, of course, and it was all very innocent... as physical contact goes.

More people started showing up, their chatter and salutations woke me up for good. I watched the end of the Argentina/Nigeria game. It was pretty blah. Basically we were watching Messi running circle around people and trying to score, never delivering. I found myself thinking more about my Claire/Andrea situation. I set the alarm in my phone for a month from Andrea's wedding cancellation last week to call her. My mind was spinning I will attempt the best I can to recreate in written format my thought process as I lay there.

- Hopefully Andrea wants to try to make it work again for the two of us - I do - But what if she does and I am two weeks into a relationship with Claire? - I could date them both - No, I don't think I could - Argentina should really be doing better than this - Claire looks really cute in jammys - If no one else were in the room I think I'd try to kiss her - I haven't even told her how I feel yet - I think she'd deny my kiss attempt - good thing there are people here - where are those pretzels? - I don't want to just be Claires rebound - I don't believe in rebounds - That incessant buzzing noise is driving me crazy - Really, Claire and Andrea are both coming out of something - Do I really want to deal with that? - I think I could deal with it - The USA game doesn't start for 2 more hours? - I don't think I can sleep - I hope Claire doesn't want to sleep that whole time - Andrea is prettier than Claire - Claire is more grown up even though they're the same age - Andrea worries more than Claire - Claire is a little more superficial and judgmental - Being Claire's rebound would be good if Andrea did decide she wants me - unless after spending a month with Claire I suddenly have stronger feelings for her than Andrea - I need to fart - Claire won't notice if she's sleeping -

fffrrrrtttt

- Good one (sigh) I don't think that'll stink - so who would I pick, Andrea or Claire? - If I knew for certain I could have either one? - Would having kissed Claire influence that choice? - Maybe I should make sure I kiss Claire before I call Andrea - Andrea is a good kisser - I remember how fun it was to kiss her - kissing her - kissing her - kissing her - Uh oh, I'd better re-adjust, don't want Claire feeling my excitement - Maybe I do? - No, not like this - I really wish Nigeria would score - I hope the US wins today too - I don't think they will - I think England will beat them 2 to 1 - Oh yeah, I was going to re-adjust - Actually I don't have to now -

Guy behind me says, "Holy frick, who farted? That was a good one, that you Jake?" I replied, "Nope I think I'm too close to the ground, I don't smell it." They laughed.

- I guess it smells worse than I thought - Claire is stirring - I really want to kiss Claire - she looks like she'd be a great kisser - I love how her lips stick together for a split second before she talks -

I watch her lips stick together for a split second before she says, "It smells like boy butt in here." Then she buries her face further into my neck.

I'm not going to confess or deny the fart - she'll be asleep in a flash anyway - yep, she's asleep again - Where are those pretzels? - I just had them? - 2 minutes left in this game - maybe I should ask Claire what she wants to do before the USA game - maybe suggest a walk to Jamba Juice - oh wait maybe it's raining - is it raining still? - I haven't been near a window for almost 4 hours - Where are those pretzels? - Maybe someone else has them - no - I don't see them anywhere - I bet Andrea is watching this game somewhere too - she used to come watch my soccer games - Claire probably wouldn't ever come watch a game - what if my sons play soccer I want my wife to go their games - comparing them isn't really fair - Andrea was a relationship I screwed up - Claire is a relationship I haven't really started yet - I would pick Andrea - of course I would, we have more history - the game is over - only one point from the mighty Argentina? -

I say, "Only one point from the mighty Argentina."

Claire wakes up and says, "I'm hungry, you want to go to Jamba Juice or something?"

Hmm, that's weird - Screw the pretzels -

Jake

Turk From the Waist Down

2010-06-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

I've been watching Scrubs lately. It's been coming to me through Netflix. I was chatting with someone on gchat the other day and we were talking about the awesomeness that is Scrubs. They asked me if I was more like JD or Turk. There is no question in my mind that I'm more like JD. I mean, the two doctors are best friends and both exhibit a lot of homosexual tendencies, but most of the time Turk seems to only be tolerating JD's behavior. Not really an active participant. That's kind of like me and Jake. Most of the time I'm the one exhibiting those types of behaviors and Jake just sits back and loves me for who I am.

I'm not overtly gay or anything. If Jake gets a haircut, I don't walk up to him when he gets home, stand on my tiptoes, place my left hand on his chest and run my right hand through the hair on the side of his head and softly say, "You got a hair cut, Jakey" then lean into his ear and whisper, "I like it." That's not the kind of gay I'm talking about. I doubt Jake would tolerate that sort of thing. I just tend to be a little more physically affectionate with my guy friends. Not overly so, though. In fact, I think I'm more "average" in that arena while Jake chooses to not fully engage in the typical physical behavior that the rest of us do.

But I digress. I've mentioned in several previous posts that I get jealous of other people Jake chooses to spend time with. I don't mind sharing my best friend with other people as long as I get to be there... hanging out with them, as well.

Claire doesn't let me do that. It's bugged me for quite some time and I've mentioned it to Jake several times, but he doesn't care. It scares the crap out of me, too. It's forcing me to realize that someday we're going to get married (most likely not to each other) and then there will be another person who will be pulling us away from each other. No other girl has done this to Jake before. Not even Andrea. At least I didn't notice it if she did. But Claire is actually competition to me. Now that I think about it, Andrea was a girl who Jake would spend time with, but they'd also make out a lot.

Claire, on the other hand, isn't putting out for Jake. Maybe... just maybe... in the back of my mind I realize that since Claire isn't getting horizontal with my best friend must mean that she must also be his friend. An equal. A female version of myself. A version that Jake prefers to spend time with instead of me.

I had a pretty crappy day yesterday because of this emotional turmoil that Jake is putting me through. Aaron, Lance, Gabe and I left for church yesterday morning and Jake said he was going to meet us there. But he didn't. All through Priesthood, Sunday School, and Sacrament meeting I think more of my attention was on the door to the room waiting for Jake to stroll in and take his place by my side than it was on the front of the class. I sat next to an empty, saved seat for three freaking hours. I sent Jake a few texts throughout church asking where he was, but he didn't send anything back until just before church ended. He said, "At church with Claire."

So after church I couldn't be bothered to change out of my church clothes so I just took off my tie and napped on the couch waiting for my best friend to get home. I woke up two hours later and there were a bunch of random girls at our house. I talked to some of them for a little while, but it wasn't the same without my wingman. I called Jake every 15 minutes. The first few times it rang until I got his voicemail, but then I started going straight to voicemail. That meant either Jake had turned his phone off or he had his finger on the "decline" button and just pushed it every time I called.

I knew I was being irritating, but it pissed me off so bad that he was doing something with his other friend and didn't invite me. For all he knew, I was all by myself at home watching Sandra Lee's Money Saving Meals or something... lonely... all alone and lonely... by myself.

I half-heartedly talked and flirted as best I could without Jake... but it wasn't sincere and I think the girls knew it. It was like I had BO or something. Everyone knew something was wrong with me, but they couldn't put their finger on it.

To make matters worse, at about 10 o'clock... pretty much the peak of woman attendance, I noticed my bladder was pretty full. I excused myself to go to the bathroom in the middle of one of the games. While I was washing my hands, I realized I still had my church shirt tucked into my church pants. I didn't look very comfortable and relaxed in the mirror so I quickly untucked my shirt and then walked out to finish the game.

It wasn't until about 10 minutes later that I noticed how wrinkled my shirt was down where it had been tucked into my pants. Then it occurred to me that all of the hot girls had heard me say, "I gotta go to the bathroom", they'd seen me enter the bathroom with my shirt tucked in and exit the bathroom with my shirt untucked. It was only natural to assume that I had gone poop. Why else would I untuck my shirt while in the bathroom?

It was too late, though. I had no doubt whatsoever that every single girl was mocking me in their mind because I had decided that my bowel movement was so extremely urgent that I had to go in the middle of our shin-dig of games and laughter. This is the kind of thing that happens when Jake abandons me.

I'd better get married before Jake does or I'm screwed.

Calvin

ps Thanks for the link, awesome commentor.

Federal Offense

2010-06-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, one summer while I lived in Seattle my family came to visit here in Utah. I was young, like 10 or 11. My cousin Sam and I always seemed to find ways to get into trouble. One sunny day we decided the most fun we could possibly have at the moment was to walk down the street and open complete strangers mailboxes, grabbing the mail inside and throwing it out into the street. It was loads of fun, but we weren't at all concerned with discretion and got caught.

A policeman asked us to take him back to my aunts house. I remember sitting there as he explained to my aunt and mother that we had committed a federal offense. They made sure to tell us how much worse that was than a regular offense. My cousin and I thought it was so cool, though! I remember telling our younger cousins later on in that trip that we were on the FBI's list.

I grew up with this feeling that mail was something to be revered... after all, tampering with it was a federal offense.

We have so many roommates now that our mail can get a little bit retarded... what with Tim's Netflix, Calvins Columbia House membership, and Aaron getting talked into subscribing to 15 magazines, it can get cluttered... fast.

To combat this, I concocted a genius mail system... (okay, genius might be stretching) I glued those clear file folders to a part of the living room wall by our computer. One slot for each roommate. Then I took a label maker and painstakingly added each roommates name to a specific slot. That way when the mail arrived it could easily be sorted and we could look at it at our leisure.

This had worked so well, I have taken for granted that each piece of mail in my slot is mine. So I don't look at who each letter is addressed to. Today I came home and went through some of my mail. I noticed a letter from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I opened it thinking that it must have just been home teaching assignments or something.

Then I started reading it. It was a letter from the Bishopric informing me that after much reflection that it had been decided that I was disfellowshipped! I panicked briefly... did they change the rules so that drinking Mountain Dew and kissing a girl on the lips was a violation one would be disfellowshipped for? Because that was the extent of my unrighteousness as of late.

I looked over the letter when I noticed it was actually addressed to Lance! Somehow this letter made it into my mail pile. I thought about telling him... but he might feel pretty violated and I couldn't be sure he would believe it had been an accident. I thought about trying to reseal it, but I tore it open at the end of the letter, ignoring the flap... so that would be impossible.

So I threw it away. Not learning anything from my childhood I tossed out Lances disfellowship notice thereby committing a federal offense. When I saw him, I kind of fished to see if he would just tell me about it. He wasn't giving up any info though. He has been consistently going to Church, so hopefully this was or will be relayed verbally to him.

I wonder what he did. I am determined to get to the bottom of it, even though I shouldn't. It's really none of my business... but I can't help it.

Jake

Big Talker Betty Crocker

2010-06-10T14:25:00.000-07:00

Jake works around a lot of girls. He decided a while ago that he was going to try his best to not date people in our ward or people he works with. He claims that dating people in those two environments ends up putting too much pressure on their casual interactions. Lately, it seems like he just uses that as an excuse to not date somebody. It has ended up working out pretty well for the rest of the roommates, though. Whenever we plan an activity (that sounded so gay) we always remind all of our roommates to invite every girl that they know, even if they're ugly. I've explained this before, but I'll remind you just in case you're too lazy to have gone back to the beginning of our blog and read each and every post and committed seemingly meaningless details to memory. The philosophy behind inviting every girl we know to our parties is two-fold. The first fold is because it's always better to have too many girls than too few. Sometimes girls bring guys without telling us beforehand, so we do our best to manipulate the guy/girl ratio to make it the most advantageous for us. The second fold is because of the personality range that exists in our house. We all have different preferred "types", so just because your co-worker is 6' 5' doesn't mean you shouldn't invite her over. Worst case scenario... she's still a woman. That fact alone helps the party ratio.

Jake has a co-worker named Becky who he claims has had a pretty big crush on him. He's always claimed that she's pretty cute, but that he won't date her cause if it doesn't work out, he'll be uncomfortable working with her. I've always just assumed that the "hot girl" he claims "wants him" is really a hideous Yeti who probably thinks she's out of Jake's league.

Jake was bragging that he would be supplying the most amount of girls for our upcoming party. Lance laughed in his face, as usual, and said he would not only bring the most chicks, but he'd also bring the hottest chicks. Lance is the biggest talker I've ever met. The best way to understand Lance is to listen to what he says, but only believe 1/10th of whatever comes out of his mouth.

Jake had been texting Becky for about an hour giving her directions to our house. When she finally got there she pulled up in some huge jacked-up truck. All the guys in the house were drooling all over the truck... but I'm a vehicular retard so it didn't do much for me. Becky opened her door and stood up on the seat so she was looking over the top of the truck. "Is this the right place?" She was pretty hot... at least from the porch. She had dark hair and was really tan. Like, really tan. The hot kinda tan. She was wearing sunglasses and one of those shirts that is barely even a shirt. It was one of those skimpy tops that tied around her neck and draped loosely over her breasts. Her tan arms were exposed all the way to her collar bones and her "shirt" tied behind her back leaving most of her tanned back completely bare. Short shorts and tan legs. Sneakers with no socks. Ahem.

She yelled, "I forgot to stop at the store. Can you come with me, Jake? You can drive." Every person with an Adams Apple looked at Jake, waiting for him to sprint to her truck. Jake said, "I'm actually in the process of guiding in a few more cars. I should stay here." Becky said, "Does anyone else wanna drive?" Two other guys volunteered... and so did Aaron. They all piled in the truck and drove away.

I highly doubt that a girl of that... um... attractiveness... really dug on Jake. I had to keep telling myself that she only asked him to accompany her to the store because she didn't know anyone else. When I told Jake this, he said, "What do you mean? She knows you." I said, "I've never met her before. I only know what you've told me about her." Jake said, "That's Becky. The receptionist. She's the one who answers the phone whenever you call me at work." Apparently Becky has told Jake a few times that she thinks I'm hilarious.

I asked Jake if he'd mind if I attempted to "woo" her. He claimed to have no objections since he works with her and doesn't want to risk their friendship and work environment by dating her. I thought it best to bide my time. I honestly have no idea if I even have a chance, but if she's attracted to Jake, she's gotta see something in me. Hopefully. I let her do her thing during the party, but I have a feeling she'll be back. That should give me time to script some additional dialogue.

Calvin

Curiouser and Curiouser

2010-06-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

My roommates and I went to Claire's FHE yesterday. Claire and I skipped out and went to Hires Big-H. She of course wanted to know the drama about me and Andrea. I shared with her the whole sordid tale.

I was reminded again how awesome Claire was... how she made me feel like I was the only important thing in her whole world. It almost made me forget about her making me listen to her and Adam swap spit in the back of that pick-up a couple of weeks ago.... almost.

"So what are you going to do?", was Claire's first question after I finished the Andrea story.

I had had the weekend to think about it and make a decision.

I said, "I'm going to wait a month before I call her." Claire said, "A whole month? You said yourself you've wondered if she realized she loved you and not this other guy?" I replied, "Yeah." She said, "If that's true, why wait? Don't you want to know right now?" I told her, "Yeah, I've thought about that a lot, but canceling a wedding is a pretty big deal. The chances it had anything to do with me are a slim, I think. But either way, it seems like she'll need some time to sort stuff out in her head. Don't you think you would need time?" Claire nodded her head and smiled. "You have a talent for putting yourself in other peoples shoes." Andrea actually taught me that, but I didn't tell Claire.

I started to feel a little choked up so I lightly said, "What's new in your love life?" Claire said, "Me and Adam broke up." I rolled my eyes and said, "Again?" She glared a little and said, "It's for real this time." I said, "Tough week to be an Adam..." She smiled.

We shared a milkshake and talked until Hires closed up shop. Claire did a good job of convincing me that she was absolutely done with Adam this time around.

Both these girls, Andrea and Claire, who have had such a profound effect have recently become available... as I thought about that, the line from Alice in Wonderland, "Curiouser and Curiouser."

Jake

Smooth

2010-06-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm in a relationship for longer than a month, I get bored. I've talked about this before, I realize, but I discovered the other day that not all guys are like me. Aaron for example. That guy is a serious womanizer, but his talent is wasted because he's always in some sort of pseudo relationship. It's like he refuses to end one relationship until he has another girl on stand-by. It's sad, really.

I don't really try to get into relationships. I usually just kind of fall into them on accident. I think my problem is that I'm horrible at dating more than one girl at a time. Horrible. I'm a pitiful liar and dating more than one girl at a time involves at least some sort of lying, be it white lie, bald-faced, or lies of omission. I'm so bad at it that I usually end up screwing up other people's relationships by saying something contradictory about their lie while the person they lied to is in the room.

Example:

Aaron is cuddling on the couch with Anna (yes... the hot Anna) watching Mama Mia. I walk through to get to the laundry room, glance at the TV and say, "You're watching this again? Geez, it wasn't that good." I hear Anna say to Aaron, "You said you hadn't seen this before." I cringe as I put my clothes into the dryer. Oops. Aaron had watched it two days earlier with the girl he'd been dating, Tiffany. I hear Aaron say, "Well, it was on, but I fell asleep about 10 minutes into it." I start the dryer and start walking up the stairs. The last thing I hear is Anna, "Was it just a bunch of guys watching?" It sounded like there was going to be a lot more lying.

Of course he lied about seeing the movie. I'm sure Anna suggested it and Aaron claimed he hadn't seen it cause he knew odds were better of scoring while watching a movie like that instead of Avatar.

What I hate the most is the look I get from Aaron immediately after I've just dug a gargantuan pit and pushed him in. Like last night. We had a few people over to play some games. Aaron's "girlfriend" Tiffany decided to show up. I lose one of the games and Aaron says something about owing him $10. I reply with, "I guess we're even then since I put $10 in gas in your car last night before our date." I got the "look" from Aaron. He was out with Anna Saturday night instead of Tiffany.

The "look" is kind of a... furrowed brow... coupled with eyes the size of Dixie dinner plates with a single olive super-glued to the center of each plate. I'll try to get a picture of it next time I say something stupid. Luckily, the scowl had to be brief cause Tiffany looked at him with one of those accusatory questioning looks. Aaron didn't want to get caught giving me that look cause it just screams "guilty". Aaron looked at Tiffany, smiled and said, "So, by the look on your face, can I assume that you think Calvin and I had girls there on our man-date?" Tiffany looked back at me. I smiled and said, "Aaron doesn't put out for me as much as he does for Jake." Aaron and I chuckled nervously and I went to the kitchen to grab another soda.

I avoided Aaron and Tiffany for the rest of the night cause I didn't want to be interrogated by Tiffany. She's freakin' crazy.

My plan was to talk to Aaron about it this morning, but he had already left by the time I woke up. So I sent him a text that said, "Sorry about last night. Did she buy it?" I got a reply that said, "Aaron left his phone in my car. Did who buy what?" I have no idea if he left his phone with Tiffany or Anna. Either way, I shut my phone off and don't plan on turning it back on until tomorrow.

Calvin

number of times I say "look", "looks" or "looking" in this post = 232

Dastardy

2010-06-04T15:41:00.000-07:00

Aaron tried to call me three times today. We had gotten into an argument the night previous about which movie was better, Year One or Land of the Lost. Aaron has basically been homo for Will Farrell since Night at the Roxbury, so he couldn't believe I actually thought that Year One was funnier. The argument got a little more heated than it should have and Aaron started to play the whole blasphemy card. Saying stupid things like, "You only like that one better because you haven't felt the spirit since the mission." and "If Year One and Land of the Lost were brothers Year One would be Lucifer."

Both movies were terrible, but if they were the last movies on Earth, and "funny" was the judging factor Year One is, I think, the obvious choice. The other guys heard our back and forth, and because of Aarons stupid, religious argument, pretty much all of them sided with me. Some hurtful things were said and Aaron ended up a little offended and storming off to bed early.

I thought he was calling to apologize or further argue or something so I didn't bother answering. Hasn't the idiot heard of text messages?

I couldn't have been further off base.

Aaron got home and as soon as he saw me said, "Dude." There was a look of concern on his face I hadn't seen since we were mission companions. I was suddenly aware that he had something very serious to tell me. I didn't say anything I just braced myself.

Aaron said: "Carla called me today and said that Andrea called off the wedding."

It took a second for Aaron's words to sink in.

I looked at Calvin and Tim who were in the kitchen with us when Aaron dropped this bomb. It took another couple of seconds for me to rein in the whirlwind in my head enough to say, "What? When?"

Aaron said that Andrea had gone through the Temple today. He said that a few hours afterward she canceled the wedding altogether. I stood by in a mini state of shock, while Calvin and Tim prodded Aaron for whatever details he knew of. Aaron's version was basic. Carla didn't know much about why Andrea canceled the wedding. Carla told Aaron that Andrea's mom told her that Andrea said it just wasn't right...

A very small part of me wonders if her rash decision has anything to do with me. After a little bit of thought I decided that it seemed bigger than that. I think if anything, our conversation a few days ago might have shaken her a little bit... maybe. Perhaps all my talk of eternal love had her second guessing herself.

Maybe the fireman did something dastardly. Maybe she had some revelation in the Temple. Maybe she lost her testimony and would be leaving the Church. Who knows?

Regardless... I haven't the first idea what to do... If anything.

I know that before I do anything I need to let some time pass. Canceling a wedding one day before it's supposed to go down is no small thing.

Jake

Tearing Up

2010-06-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get when you first see a police officers lights in your rear view mirror?

I was sitting in Claire's living room when my phone starts ringing the "Hungry Eyes" ring-tone that Andrea sent me as a joke months earlier. [insert above described feeling here]

I look at the phone half hoping that it was someone else. Some other profile I may have accidentally attached the ring-tone to. Nope, it is Andrea.

Claire says, "Who is it?" I look at her, but don't really listen to what she says. Claire says, "Are you okay? Who is that?" I say, "It's Andrea." Claire gets excited and says, "Answer it, Dummy!" I nod, stand up and head for the door as I answer the phone.

Jake: Hello
Andrea: Heeeey... Jake.
Jake: Andrea?
Andrea: Yup.
Jake: Hi... it's been a long time.
Andrea: Yeah, not that long.

True. Andrea and I met less than a year ago. We dated for 3 months, broke up and now she is getting married to someone else in 3 days.

Jake: True. It feels like a really long time, though.
Andrea: Yeah...
Jake: ...
Andrea: You didn't answer with your full name. It... kind of... threw me off.
Jake: Huh...? Yeah... my bad.
Jake: ...
Jake: I wasn't quite prepared for this phone call.
Andrea: (half laughed) I know. I'm sure this is super weird.

I heard her laugh and I instantly start to feel myself tear up. Not like a Goose-died cry, but like the opening-sequence-of-UP teared up. I love Andrea's laugh. It was loud and awkward and beautiful. She was right. It was weird. I decide I need to take control of the conversation and talk faster to help quell the cracking in my voice.

Andrea: Sooo--
Jake: So lets just say it! Let's get it out first thing. You're right, this is super weird ...and awkward. It's not easy for either of us. Right?
Andrea: Yes.
Jake: So we don't have to say anymore about the weirdness... we know it's weird, but whatever right? We can just talk now like it's not weird... ...even though it is.
Andrea: That's a good idea. (I could envision the way she was smiling as she said that)
Jake: So, back to un-weird regular talk... I hear congratulations are in order? I hear you are tying the knot.
Andrea: Yep. Pretty soon.
Jake: Wow. Getting married? That's a big step.
Andrea: Yep. Getting married.
Jake: When?
Andrea: Saturday.
Jake: Holy cow! Soon? You weren't kidding.

I chuckle nervously. The conversation felt one-sided. It felt... me-sided. She was the one who called me. Problem is, if I don't take control of the conversation I will cry. The last thing I want is for her to hear me cry... again.

Andrea: Yeah, Saturday. It's been so crazy! Getting ready for it and everything.
Jake: So who's the lucky guy?
Andrea: His name is Adam (great I thought, if I just killed all the Adams of the world I might be able to get back all of the girls I screwed things up with) I thought you would know all this. I thought that you would hear everything through Aaron from Carla.
Jake: Yeah, I may have heard some stuff, but I want to hear it from you, you know?
Andrea: (laughs)
Jake: I never knew the guys name though I have always just referred to him as "Fireman"... or, sometimes "Evil Fireman".
Andrea: Oh I see. (laughs) Well, yeah, this week I am getting married to the "Evil Fireman". We are getting married in the Bountiful Temple. I am pretty nervous for that.
Jake: Oh the temple's nothing. No big thing... in fact, you will love the temple. I know it.
Andrea: Good. Yeah. I just hear so many things, you know?

I don't want to talk about the Temple. I am wondering why she called. If I wait for her to tell me it'll take forever. I decide to stop thinking so much before I speak and to just start talking.

Jake: So, do you love him?
Andrea: What?
Jake: Adam. Do you love him?
Andrea: Yes.
Jake: How did he propose?
Andrea: It was just a small thing he did at the top of Mt. Timpanogas. Just the two of us.
Jake: Ooh nice. Midnight hike?
Andrea: Yep.
Jake: So he steals my girlfriend, steals my midnight hike idea and then proposes to one while on the other.

I made sure to put a lot of sarcasm into that statement. When I found out he proposed to her on that hike (a hike which she had never done until we did it on one of our first dates), I started tearing up again. I hoped sarcasm could pull me out of it.

Andrea: Oh stop it! You broke up with me remember?
Jake: Yeah, I do remember.
Jake: ...
Jake: I remember everyday when I cry myself to sleep regretting it.
Andrea: Shut up, Jake.

I think I hear a small crack in her voice and she doesn't laugh. I was expecting her to laugh. Perhaps I wasn't the only one struggling to hold back tears. There was a bit of a pause as I think we both realize what we were talking about.

Jake: You love him though. You love Adam -- What's his last name?
Andrea: Walker.
Jake: Adam Walker. (pause) Andrea Walker.
Andrea: (laughing) It's a pretty good last name.
Jake: Yeah. You can name your kids Moon or Texas or something...
Andrea: (laughs big)

Again I find myself with nowhere to go. I had walked out of Claire's apartment complex and down the street nearly four blocks by now. I decide to try and say less and see where Andrea takes this conversation.

Andrea: So... are you dating anyone these days?
Jake: No. Not really. Just dating around... same old.
Andrea: Yeah.

Well that doesn't work too well. There is a moment of silence. I wonder if there was a purpose to this call or if she just felt obligated to do it by some... well I don't even know.

Jake: Tell me about this "love" you speak of?
Andrea: (laughing) What!?
Jake: You are in love with this guy. To a point that you feel like he is the guy you want to be with for time and all eternity.
Andrea: ...
Jake: That's a pretty big deal. A huge deal! I'm your friend, tell me about it? Tell me what I have to look forward to.

Andrea squirms a little. I imagine her adjusting her clothes and the way she was sitting on the other end of the phone because of how uncomfortable she felt.

Andrea: Well, I don't know. It's not the kind of thing I can describe very easily. It's just like a feeling that you... like... know.
Jake: Right. That seems to be the best explanation I can get out of everyone. Next thing you are going to tell me that I'll know when it happens to me, right?
Andrea: Well... gawl Jake, that's how it is. It's an indescribable feeling that you just know is there.
Jake: You have that for Adam?
Andrea: Yup. I do. (she laughs)
Jake: Well, that's awesome Andrea. Seriously, I envy you. Sure I am a little jealous that this Adam guy gets to marry you... but really, I envy a feeling of love for someone so strong that you want to marry that person.
Andrea: (nervous laugh)
Jake: I'm sure Adam is a great guy. I'm sure if you picked him that he deserves you.
Andrea: He really is a great guy, Jake. I sometimes wish things were different because I think you guys would really like each other.

Ah ha, I thought, I can finally find out why she called.

Jake: Is that why you called?
Andrea: What?
Jake: Um, I don't know, I thought there was one good point you were getting at... but I... can't think of it now.
Andrea: ...
Jake: ...
Jake: So... why did you call?
Andrea: Why?
Jake: Yeah, why? You are getting married in three days. I'm a little bit confused.
Andrea: Well, I don't know...
Jake: I mean, it's good to hear your voice and everything... It's great hearing your voice. But I'll be honest. It...
Andrea: You were my best friend for a long time, Jake. (Four months doesn't really constitute a long time... but okay) I have never been able to open up to someone like I have to you. I just felt like I needed to share this with you. To talk to you about it... Because we were so close.

Andrea started crying midway through that sentence. Which in turn made me cry. It also made me see that there was no real point to her calling. At least no productive purpose that I could see. I mean seriously, I wasn't going to talk to her about her romance with her new husband. Our friendship had been non-existent up until today.

Jake: Now you are making me cry. I... I am really glad you called. We were really close and if situations were reversed I'm sure I would want the same thing. (not true, but I felt like it was the right thing to say) I am honestly so happy that you are happy.
Andrea: Thank you... I really do miss you.
Jake: I know, me too. But... (I wipe tears from my eyes like that's going to make a difference) go on. Go be in love. Maybe it's because I don't have it, but "love" seems like a huge deal. Especially a love that you can commit to for eternity.
Andrea: I know. (she sniffs hard like she's done crying)
Jake: I'll find her one day, that girl that will make me as happy as Adam makes you.
Andrea: I know you will Jake.
Jake: Well, lets leave it at that for now, okay? I'll send a present along with Aaron, but... I don't think I'll be attending.
Andrea: Are you sure I--
Jake: Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks for calling. It means a lot.
Andrea: It went a lot better than I thought it would. You really are a great guy.

I should have said, 'tell that to the people who read my secret blog'. But then she'd probably notice the letter I posted for all to see and kick my butt.

Jake: Thanks. It's been good talking to you. (this is where I started crying again but tried desperately to hide it until the call was over.)
Andrea: You too.
Jake: Bye
Andrea: See ya.

I hang up and find myself in front of some Asian Market. I'm half way between my house and Claire's place. I decide to just walk home and think about the fact that I will likely never talk with Andrea again. Luckily it's getting dark so strangers don't notice my allergies acting up.

Jake

Hot Anna and Equally Hot Annie

2010-06-01T06:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things seem to go so smoothly I can't help but wonder if God has a hand in my life in a pretty obvious way. Not in a sacrilegious way at all. Last night I was totally on my game. We had a bunch of people over to play some Frisbee Football and have a barbecue. The turnout was spectacular. It's not like we had 200 people show up or anything... but I'm talking quality... not quantity. The usual girls were there, but there were several new faces... and luckily they were female faces. And attractive female faces.

When we got the the park, I did a quick gender head count. There were the six of us roomies, four other guys from the ward... all of which were better looking than me and total butt plugs. Actually, they might be pretty cool, but if a guy is better looking than me, he's automatically a butt plug. And there were 12 girls, four of which were ugly, five were cute... kinda, and three were pretty freakin' hot. One of the hotties was a regular, but the other two were people I'd never seen before. I had no idea who they came with, but it was obvious they were getting a lot of the attention from the other dudes. In situations like that, I find it works best to just hang back and let the aggressive guys bump wieners and cock block themselves into oblivion. Then, once they've sufficiently embarrassed themselves, I can casually walk by and interject something humorous into a one-upping contest already in progress. Then I just keep walking as though I have more important things to do than puff out my hairless chest and try to bounce my pectoral muscles at an alternating frequency... like the other guys.

When we started picking teams for Frisbee Football, it was obvious that the girls were unhappy about the process. Luckily, Jake and I had already planned ahead for this scenario since it has happened several times before. We'd already discussed with Aaron how it was going to work. As planned, Aaron shouted, "Ok, let's pick teams... how about if Calvin and Jake are the Team Captains." Jake and I separated ourselves from everyone else. Our preconceived strategy was simple. Instead of picking the strongest players first, thereby leaving the ugliest and least athletic girl standing alone by the end of the selection process, we'd decided to HONESTLY (and that is key) pick our teams in the exact opposite order. We had to do our best to select the least attractive and least athletic people first. It's awesome when it goes according to plan.

First Jake picks one of the awkward uglies who is genuinely shocked when she's the first person selected. Then I do the same. The best part about this whole process is watching the d-bag dudes who aren't in the loop. They're scoffing and sighing, obviously frustrated that they haven't been picked first... like they usually are. After all the girls were chosen, we moved on to the least athletic of the guys. The look on their faces is priceless. When it got to the last two guys (both of which are the most agile of the bunch) it was my turn to choose. I looked at them both for a few seconds. People I've already chosen are whispering suggestions as to who would be the best for our team dynamic and morale. After 10 or so seconds, I sighed and said, "You can have both of those guys." Jake yelled, "No way, man. You have to take one of them." Then I said, "Fine. I guess I'll take Trent." Then Jake looked at the last guy and said, "I guess that means you're with us."

Picking teams like that is almost more fun than actually playing Frisbee. And it's imperative that nobody ever knows why we've chosen that way. If you tell anyone, then it's equally insulting to the first person chosen. We just let them think what they want... but never tell them why we did what we did.

As luck would have it, Jake chose the two new hotties. It just happened to work out that way. Their names are Annie and Anna and they're best friends. Weird, I know. It was confusing as crap for the rest of us, as well. (Since Wednesday, we've been trying to figure out what to call them to make them easier to distinguish. Usually, we call people with the same name something easy to remember... like Ugly Annie and Hot Anna... but we were all stumped since they're both hot.)

After the game, we went back to our house and Tim fired up the grill. (Another reason I'm stoked to have Tim around is he kicks total "a" on the Q. The best part is, he knows he's good so we don't even have to ask him. He's just adopted it as one of his household responsibilities.) I talked to the regulars while simultaneously watching the jocks tripping all over themselves trying to get Annie and Anna to notice them.

After an hour or so, I started casually walking past their little huddle group to see if I could interject something absolutely hilarious that would make Annie and Anna want to run their hands through my leg hair. Every time I walked by, they were always telling mission stories or bragging about their part-time job at Hollister. So gay. Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever walked by and heard the girls talking. It was always the guys trying to outdo the other guys.

Jake was conversating with a few of the regulars including the ward hottie. I noticed he wasn't paying the hottie any exclusive or special attention. He appeared to be talking to all of them with an equal amount of interest. I made a mental note to do that in the future. That way the hottie would wonder why she wasn't getting oogled as much, thereby increasing her interest. It also makes the average looking girls feel special because they notice they're receiving an equal amount of flattery in spite of the more attractive presence. I silently wondered if Jake was going to make out with all three of them that night. I think he could have. Then Jake called me over.

I walked up to their group. Jake said, "I was just telling Jessie (average) about the first thing I do after I drop my date off at her house and I start driving home. I told her, but she doesn't believe me." I replied, "I think all guys do the same thing on their drive home after a really good date, don't they?" Jake and I have had this discussion several times and we try to incorporate it as often as possible in mixed company. Some may refer to this particular activity as Scripted Dialogue. Jake and I have a bunch of it. Jake says, "Well, after I drop my date off I-" I cut him off. "Wait. Just wait, Jake. Let's see if we're thinking the same thing. We'll say it at the same time." The girls start laughing.

Jake says to the girls, "Ok, one of you count to three." Jessie starts counting. "One. Two. Three!"

Jake (as fast as possible): Call my mom and tell her all about my date.
Calvin(as fast as possible): Pick my nose and wipe the boogers under the seat.

The best part about this dialogue is that we both speak so quickly and at the same time so it takes a couple of seconds for our answers to sink in. Once the girls were laughing sufficiently, I wandered away and tried my luck again with the other group. Nothing. The guys were still flexing their social muscles as best they could.

Then Annie (or Anna, I'm not positive) looked between two of the guys and made eye contact with me. I was standing against the opposite wall. She smiled. If there was any chance in the world that someone was standing behind me, I probably would have checked, but I knew it was just a wood paneled wall. She had to be looking at me. I didn't smile back. Instead I mouthed the words, "Are you ok?" I was trying to be as serious as I could. She smiled even bigger. She glanced up at one of the guys talking to her and I heard her say to him, "Oh, I'll bet." Then she looked back at me. I mouthed, "Are you ok?" I looked at the back of each of the guy's heads individually, then back at her. She smiled again, then scrunched up her face a little bit and nodded. I gave her a subtle thumbs up, winked and walked into the kitchen. I thought the wink might have been a little too much, but it was too late.

I didn't see much of her for the rest of the night, but I honestly felt like I made more progress with her in our 30 second exchange than those other guys did in four hours.

Calvin

Twilygamy

2010-05-27T22:44:00.000-07:00

NOTE: After writing this post I realized that there are a lot of terms and doctrines specific to the Mormon faith that our non-Mormon readers may not be familiar with. We created a glossary for our blog here, but there are so many new terms in this post and I am way too lazy to write up a bunch of additional definitions, so if you find yourself a little lost, either: A) Ask a question in the comments and I'm sure someone will answer. B) a good source glossary can be found at this Website. Or C) You can Google it, but the information may not match up with what I was talking about.

One thing I have been seriously failing at lately is my home teaching. I remember being a missionary and looking down on members who failed to complete their home teaching with such disdain. The missionary version of myself would be seriously upset with the now version of myself.

So here I am. Not only am I no good at home teaching, this week when my Elders Quorum Leader called to see how I have done for the month of May, I lied. Actually, I might be able to argue that I "stretched" the truth. After all, I did have a funny text exchange with one of the sisters that I am assigned to, and one of the guys I'm supposed to visit came over with a dozen other people to watch the Champions League final on Saturday. So I counted those as visits... who am I kidding though, I lied.

Tom: So, uh hey Jake, just calling to get your home teaching numbers.
Jake: Um, I got about half.
Tom: Half? So... three?
Jake: Um yeah, I got Nelly (text exchange) and Britney (She is Nelly's roommate, I'm sure Nelly relayed our textersation to her) ...had a good visit with Ryan (soccer game) but just haven't met up with the others.
Tom: Mmm, okay. You know as a Quorum we are trying to get 100% this month.
Jake: Yeah. Yeah, I remember the lesson Scott gave last week.
Tom: Yeah, so, could you (he paused) ...we are calling everyone a little bit early this month--
Jake: Right, good call. Good reminder. I'll get the rest of em' before the end of the month.
Tom: Okay. Good. Well, Um, Brother Halifax, will you finish your home teaching 100% for the month of May. (I recognized the "direct will you question" that they taught us all in the MTC. Right away. I didn't really think I would, I just wanted to get off the phone so I could get back to playing Modern Warfare)
Jake: You bet buddy. (I hate it when I call people buddy, I only do it when I'm uncomfortable.)

As soon as Tom let me go I added his number to my "DON'T ANSWER" profile in my phone. The thought process being, 'If I don't answer I don't have to lie.'

The past few days I have been feeling guilty. Not really guilty. Just a teeny bit guilty, at first... then as I dwelt on it more I started to feel like a real arse. I'm sure you agree if you read the previous paragraphs. First off, home teaching is like the easiest thing in the world to do. Secondly, no matter how I slice it, I lied to Tom. Lies that weren't even necessary. There's no penalty for failing to do home teaching... at least no immediate penalty. There's one later on, the whole failing-to-magnify-your-calling thing could be called into question. I just went, and for no reason, added lying on top of that. It's like getting pulled over for speeding and the officer discovers your insurance is expired.

So, I decided after feeling the weight of guilt, that I would at least get the three people (I hadn't already lied about) before months end.

My home teaching companions name is Steven. I have never seen him in Elders Quorum, and only spoken to him once at the Ward Talent Show, so I tried calling and texting him, but he had probably already changed my number to DON'T ANSWER in his phone months ago. So after getting myriad lame excuses from my roommates, I resolved to fly solo.

The other three people I home teach are girls. Two of them are roommates and the other one lives on her own. Part of the problem with home teaching (which is only going to compound my poor display of character so far) is that none of the girls I am assigned are very attractive.

That's not to say that just because a girl is not seeing her home teachers that she is unattractive. Aaron and Nick teach 4 of the hottest girls I have ever seen, and I am pretty sure they have never once made a home teaching visit.

I do think though that if there was some side flirting available that I would be more likely to want to spend half an hour or so getting to know someone, which, I'll admit, is horrible and far from Christlike... but true. So, I prepared a quick little spiritual thought put on a tie and scheduled appointments for last night. First I went to Erin's house. We visited for about 30 minutes and it was mostly uneventful.

Then I went to Nancy and Stephanie's apartment. I didn't know these two very well. I said hi to them in sacrament occasionally. Neither is very cute, though they're not at all ugly either. Nancy is short and fat. She has one of those faces, that makes me wish she'd lose 50 lbs because then Calvin would want to date her. Her face was really cute it was just shrouded with the blubber of years of over-indulgence. Stephanie was her opposite. She was tall and skinny but broad with big features like her eyes and forehead. She basically looks like Andre Kirilenko would if he were two feet shorter, a woman with long dark hair. The could have made a comic pair the likes of Chris Farley and David Spade... but I can joke about that another time.

The first thing I noticed as I walked into their living room was a large life-sized cardboard cut-out of Jacob from Twilight. I said, "Hey, it's Shark Boy!" Nancy scowled at me and then laughed and rolled her eyes, "Haven't heard that one before Jake." She lightly slapped my arm and continued as she led me into the living room, "We are both total twi-hards, and we don't care who knows it." I wanted to roll my eyes and make my usual "twi-tard" comment, but decided to wait till we knew each other better.

We spent a little bit of time getting to know each other. I found out where they worked and they did likewise. Discovered that they had met down at Snow College 6 years ago and had lived together ever since. We chatted about the ward a bit and then I gave my thought.I finished with my usual "I'm your home teacher speech" (that I stole from a guy on my mission, I liked it so much) it goes something like, "I'm not going to say 'Is there anything I can do for you or anything you need?' at the end of every visit. I am yours, you can call me or text me whenever you need anything."

When I was done Nancy said, "Well, I do have a question for you?" I said, "Of course." She said, "Do you believe in polygamy?" I was a little thrown and most likely made a stupid face. They both laughed and Stephanie said, "That's a way to general way to ask Nance... What she means is, do you think that Polygamy will ever come back?" I expected these kinds of questions from non-members usually looking to start a fight, not from two seeming "Molly's".

"Well, (I laughed nervously) Um, I'm not really sure." Nancy recreated the look she gave me at my Shark Boy joke earlier and said, "Oh come on Jake, you're one of the most blunt guys in the ward. Now that we are friends Just Give it to us?" Stephanie grinned and said, Just pretend Calvin or Aaron asked you the same question, what would you say to them?" We just want to know what you think."

I would say to Calvin something like, "I hope not because if it did I would always feel like I had to have exactly the same number of wives as you." And to Aaron, I would probably say something like, "Don't worry about it dude, but, if it does make a come back I'll send any of the wives that aren't cutting it your way."

I decided regardless of their intention I couldn't very well say anything like that. I stuttered, "I think tha-, well, I, I, Hmph..." I paused and looked at both of their faces. I was searching for some kind of context. What was the purpose of this question? Their faces looked slightly mischievous but leaned more towards serious intent. It didn't feel like this was a joke. So I decided to just do like they said and tell them what I really thought.

I finally said, "No. I don't think we will see it as a practiced principle again in this life." I expected them to be happy, as most girls get nauseous at the mere mention of plural marriage, but their faces looked more like I had just told them Santa Clause wasn't real. Nancy said, "Don't you think that it is part of a higher law that we will someday get to live when we are ready." I replied, "Uh, I'm no scriptorian, but if I remember in 2nd Nephi or Jacob somewhere it says that the Lord could command polygamy in order to raise up seed unto him, but that otherwise, one man, one woman, was the law." They stared at each other and back at me, I continued, "I just don't see the Lord needing to command polygamy again anytime soon. Missionary work is abound, and--" Nancy cut me off, "So you don't think that when we have to live the law of consecration that Polygamy will just be reimplemented?" I said simply, "No."

Stephanie grabbed her scriptures and started thumbing through them. Nancy watched her as though her friend would find some scripture saying,"verily I say unto you polygamy will be the way of the future." While she was looking through I asked, "What is this about?" Nancy looked at me and just said, "Its just a topic we talk about a lot and want to know more about, but everyone we talk to gets all weird about it." I felt flattered that my lack of weirdness got me into this uncomfortable conversation.

Stephanie pulled out some scripture from Doctrine and Covenant 132 and cited it as their reasons for thinking polygamy was imminent in the Church. I vehemently disagreed, though I honestly haven't put loads of study into the topic, I still feel like I have a pretty good grasp on things, and that just didn't seem right.

We chatted about it for another 20 minutes or so. If we had been arguing I think I would have won. I think however that they had already decided what they thought was right and just wanted someone to agree with them. I wanted to end the conversation so I decided to fall back onto my old standby... humor. I jokingly said, "If polygamy does make a comeback that would be good for you two, you could figure out a way to marry the same guy and just keep living together."

Nancy and Stephanie looked like they just got caught stealing from the cookie jar. Stephanie's pale complexion changed at least three shades darker. In a nervous reaction they both looked around nervously and twice in the 20 seconds their eyes rested on the cardboard cut-out of Jacob Black. They both scoffed at the idea and laughed it off, but their body language and reactions were pretty damning evidence to the contrary.

I'm not going to state this as a fact. However, I am pretty sure that Nancy and Stephanie's secret fantasy is for polygamy to be practiced again in the church so they can be sister wives to Jacob Black or Taylor whatever-his-name-is...

I'm so glad that my guilt led me to do my home teaching this month. Think of the revelation I might have missed out on. I look forward to delving into the oddities these girls might have to offer me later on. And by association, offer you.

Jake

Weak Things Made Wussy

2010-05-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

When I'd been on my mission for about 12 months, I was transferred to a new area to serve with Elder Kristensen from Denmark. The guy was hilarious. Not on purpose, really, but he was a very entertaining missionary. We lived with two other missionaries in the same apartment. Elder Carr and Elder Bundt. They were like caricatures of missionaries. One of them was, like, eight feet tall and skinny and the other one was five feet tall and a perfect sphere.

I'd been in the area for two days and we were just coming home from a tea appointment. We got off the bus and started walking toward our flat which was about a quarter mile away. Elder Kristensen and I were about 20 yards in front of the other Elders. I noticed someone walking toward us. He was a younger guy around our age. Kristensen mumbled to me in his broken English, "Car-ful of this guys. We've seen him before and he'd a liddle dodgy."

The guy walks up to Kristensen and me. We stop walking and this guy reaches up and puts one hand on each of our heads. Then he starts applying pressure trying to force our heads into each other. Not too aggressive, but it was obvious what he was trying to do. I could smell alcohol on his breath. He let go of our heads and gritted his teeth. He looked at me and said, "What are you doing here? Are you from America, as well?" I said, "Yeah. I came over here to talk to people about our church." He stepped back a half step, looked me up and down and said, "I don't think I like you." Kristensen said, "He's a good guy, mon." The guy stepped up to me, reached out and took my super cool and spiritually lucky pen out of my breast pocket. Then he put my pen in his back pocket. "Do you want your pen, mate?" I didn't say anything. Then he followed it up with, "Come and get it."

I knew that he'd been drinking and I figured he probably would have been a decent guy had he been sober. Then I heard some unplanned words coming out of my mouth, "How much have you been drinking?" I felt his fist crash into my right temple. It knocked me backward into the street. My ear was ringing. What in the crap was I looking at while he was cocking his arm back? How did I miss his fist hurtling toward my head? I looked up and noticed Carr and Bundt approaching this stranger ever so slowly from behind. My first thought was, "Awesome! Four-on-one!" I slipped the right strap from my backpack off of my shoulder. Then I noticed Carr and Bundt had walked passed this bad guy and were walking along without a care in the world. Kristensen was standing next to the guy trying to talk him down as best he could. "Easy, mon. He's like me." Then the guy started screaming. He looked toward the other two elders then back at me, totally ignoring Kristensen. "Take off your bag! Go ahead! I'll take all four of you! LET'S GO!"

I was baffled for a couple of reasons. First... why was this guy so willing to pick a fight with four people? It didn't make any sense. Second... why weren't Carr and Bundt doing anything about it? I remembered the counsel we'd received in the MTC. We were told to avoid any and all physical confrontation. The church did not want to be involved in a news story with the headline "Four Mormon Missionaries Mop Pavement With Drunkards Face".

I slowly slipped the strap back onto my shoulder and walked swiftly toward my roommates until I was only a few feet behind Carr and Bundt. Kristensen and the bad guy were about five yards behind me. I heard the evil, evil man say to Kristensen, "You're alright..." I glanced over my shoulder hoping he'd had a change of heart and was talking to me. I made eye contact with him as he pointed at me and said to Kristensen, "...but I want a piece of your mate there." I looked forward again and whispered to Carr and Bundt as loudly as I was comfortable with, "What are you guys doing? There are four of us!" Carr cranked his head to the side and said, "Get in front of us and walk as fast as you can." I crowded in between the two of them and walked as fast as I could... trying hard not to run... cause that would just be wussy.

I rounded a corner that went through a Church of Ireland graveyard which was our usual shortcut. After I walked a few hundred feet, I noticed the other three elders weren't behind me anymore. I walked back to the point that I'd split off from them. As I rounded the corner, I heard some commotion. Bundt had been backed into a tall, wall-like bush. The bad guy was swinging jabs, uppercuts, and roundhouse punches as fast as his drunk little fists would allow. Only about 10% of them were hitting their mark. Bundt was able to deflect most of them with his beefy arms and hands. Kristensen was standing next to the bad guy with his hand on his shoulder almost chanting, "Hey, mon. Relax. We don't want any trouble." Sorry Kristensen... hate to break it to you, but we're smack dab in the middle of trouble.

Just then a car screeched to a halt in the street. Three bald, mean looking guys, jumped out of the car with fists clenched. The bad guy called to them by name and told them to join in on the one person melee. One of the bald guys looked at Kristensen since he was the only person who appeared to be actively engaged in the altercation... with his hand on the guys shoulder. Kristensen said, "We're here for our church and we're just trying to walk home." It sounded almost like a white flag of surrender. Kinda like, "Well... NOW we're screwed. Oh well. I tried."

The guys glanced around at all four of the missionaries. They could tell by the desperate and helpless looks on our faces that we were somehow the victims. They grabbed their friend and said, "C'mon man. These guys are just trying to get home." They all jumped in the car and were gone. It was over.

We all stood there. Confused and relieved.

We all continued to walk home, laughing and joking. We talked about our feelings and reactions to what had just happened. I expressed some frustration that Carr and Bundt appeared to be fully prepared to let me fend for myself with the bad guy. Then we talked about what might have happened if we had fought back. That guy obviously knew his friends were coming to pick him up. They would have arrived to find four guys (in suits and ties) pounding on their friend and all hell would have broken loose. Seriously. By the look of that guy's friends, we'd have gotten our righteous butts kicked all over that conveniently placed graveyard.

So maybe the Spirit prompted us to not fight back, which, in turn saved us from an untimely demise. Atheists will say, "Or maybe you're just a foursome of total pansies." Maybe. But I like to think God had a hand in our actions that day. Our patience. The calm we felt as it was happening.

I learned a lot about myself that day. I also learned a lot about the Elders I was serving with and around. Kristensen and I joked about that fight for the whole two months we were together. I would say stuff like, "Hey, Kristensen. What if we round that corner and there's a bunch of kids waiting to throw rocks and empty bottles at us?" Kristensen's reply was always the same. He'd laugh and say, "Oh... I don't hope so. I don't hope so."

Calvin

How To Kiss

2010-05-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I went out with Shaleese.

She's beautiful and funny. Forward, fearless, and spontaneous. She has a tight little body which I have wanted to appropriately run my hands up and down since the moment I saw her. She is LDS. Wants a Temple Marriage. She knows what "off sides" is and very capably beat me in miniature golf. She ordered a steak and finished it.

So... with such a dazzling resume it may surprise you to hear that I will never call Shaleese again.

Secretly, every date I go on I hope for a first date make-out. If I'm being truthful I would prefer to make-out with most girls before I bothered learning their name if they'd let me. Ever since that first "funny feeling" in my loins at my discovery of the fairer sex I have been trying to perfect the art of kissing. Doesn't that make sense? When you want something isn't it normal to try and learn the best way to get it? If I want to kiss and love to kiss then shouldn't it be a skill that I cultivate and practice? I put the amount of thought into a kiss that most people put into what they are going to name their first born.

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. I'm not even talking about being a total "lip whore" either. I am not making a case that one/me/you should kiss the maximum number of people possible. Look at me? I know you think I kiss everything that moves, but, that is obviously because your reading comprehension abilities suck. Because it will be June in a week and I have only kissed 2 girls in 2010. That's right, two girls, Sanders and Daisy! I bring that up so you know that I am not making a point for kissing as many people as possible for practice. Nor am I attempting to justify my aforementioned desire to "kiss" first and "get to know" later, but I digress...

I think that everyone should take kissing very seriously. Thus making the world a better place. My first kiss was sloppy, clumsy, and brief. Was it enjoyable? Sure, but only because it was brand new and exciting. If I experienced that exact same kiss today I would have to open my eyes to make sure I wasn't just sloshing my face into the sweat-glistened shoulder of Rocky Balboa. Nobody wants that.

What does someone who takes kissing seriously do? I can only tell you what I do. I think about what I am doing.

First, I gather intel. Even when a kiss is far from happening I like to talk about kissing with girls I will never, would never, or may never kiss. This is how I learn things like, "I love it when a guy stops for a second to give me a kiss on the forehead." "Yeah, so long as that forehead kiss isn't all slobbery." Or, "I hate it when a guy just sucks my bottom lip, breathes, sucks, breathes, over and over again. I got a whole mouth here, buddy." One revelation I was privie to at a young age was when a girl said, "He stuck his tongue in my mouth as far as it could go and just wiggled it back and forth like was a pencil erasure and he had a whole ream to go." At the time, that's exactly what I imagined the tongue did every time I saw a couple lock lips on TV. I was way too scared then to ask her what she would have preferred he. Which didn't matter because I was also too scared to ever try and kiss her anyway, but I wish I would have asked then.

Second, I make myself aware. When I am kissing someone I am constantly asking myself questions: What are my hands doing, where are they, how long have the been there? What are my lips doing? Have I been doing the exact same motions over and over? How is she reacting to what I do? What sounds or faces is she making? Oh, she just went 'Mmmm' when I did that... okay I will try that again.

Third, as with all situations, I apply my scriptures. One of the most successful things that I have found in learning how to kiss is the application of the Golden Rule. When Jesus said it he said, "whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them." [matt.7:12] While I am being kissed I take note of the things, techniques, applications that a girl uses on me. If something happens during a make-out and I think, "That felt good, I like that," then that's the time to plug whatever "that" was into the Golden Rule. Take a kiss on the neck, for example.

Kissing in the Golden Rule: Whatsoever way ye would that women kiss you, do ye even so to them."
Kissing the neck: Kiss others on the neck because you like being kissed on the neck.

See how simple? The first time a girl pulled out of a lip lock and nuzzled her face to my neck was astonishing. She only kissed me three or four times softly and then moved back to the straight kissing. It blew my mind. So, several minutes later I returned the favor. Which was received by one of those "Mmm" sounds.

I kissed a different girl months later and remembered how much I liked being kissed on the neck. So, I kissed her on the neck. She never kissed my neck back, but, she thought I was a great kisser and therefore wanted to keep kissing me. That's still a win. Sure, she didn't kiss my neck, but this girl ran her hand up the back of my neck and pulled my head in a little tighter during a deep kiss. I liked that... took note of her timing and added it to my bag of tricks.

Of course, some of the things I like she won't and vice versa. Also, I recognize that men and women are different and require different things in a kiss... but as a general rule the Golden one is a good foundation.

The same goes for things you don't like. Sanders actually used to stick her tongue directly into my ear canal during a make-out sesh... I hated it. I followed suit though thinking she must have liked it if she was doing it to me. Even though she never reacted the way she did when I did something I knew she liked... like softly licking her top lip before kissing it. We got to a point where we were comfortable talking about how we kissed and discovered that we both hated the "ear canal slurp".

Which brings me to the final kissing "must do". Be comfortable talking about it. Be prepared to be told one of your stand bye moves might be no bueno. Ask what you can do. Be adaptable. Each and every person is different - I know that, even in my limited kissing experience. Also, variety makes for bomb make-outs.

Holy fetching RANT! Sorry. Actually I am not sorry... you know what else? Guys work a lot harder at this than girls do. Girls very seldom put any thought into kissing. Sometimes when I talk to them it never occurred to them to consider what a guy wants her to do... As I look back on my rant I see many times where I say "obviously" and "of course" but really, this isn't as common sense as it should be. Ladies, please! Having nice stems and a sweet tushy is not going to save you if you suck at kissing... and by extension, suck at making love (under the new and everlasting covenant).

Case in point, Shaleese and I got to her door post date and started kissing. There was a lot of sexual tension from the training and what was a very flirtatious date. She eluded to being a good kisser several times on the date. Fact: Shaleese may be the worst kisser I have ever swapped saliva with. She asked me to come in after a few minutes on the porch, which I did, but after about 20 minutes I was sooo bored. She was lifeless. She was passionless. It was as if she has always thought. "I am a hot girl and boys want to put their mouth on mine so I let them. No big."

Shaleese barely moved her mouth or tongue. She just sort of left her mouth half open. Her hands never moved or squeezed my arms a little tighter. She just closed her eyes and let it happen. It became clear to me that she had never put one single thought into the art of the kiss.

If you are reading this, I want you to find the sweatiest hairless body part (not your own) that won't make you second guess partaking of the sacrament on Sunday, and rub your face in it slowly and firmly for 20 or so minutes. Then, and only then, will you be capable of understanding why I will not, can not, date Shaleese. I have no respect for people with no kissing improvement agenda.

Jake

My Mom Caught Me!

2010-05-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

I got busted for throwing water balloons at cars when I was in jr high. My dad worked with this lady whose husband was a police officer with the Roy City Police Department. As punishment for throwing water balloons at cars, my dad arranged for me to ride along with Officer Evertsen one night. I pretended to be mad at this punishment, but I was secretly excited. I couldn't wait to put on a bullet proof vest and provide back up for an actual Roy City cop. That's not how it turned out.

I ended up sitting in the car during most of his calls. It was so boring. It was during one of my 30 minute stints in the passenger seat that I realized how heavily edited COPS is on TV. Each one of the situations on COPS that lasts six minutes on TV actually lasts two hours in real life. I felt kind of bad for Officer Evertsen, though. I could tell he felt bad that the night was so uninteresting. A call came in that there were some kids throwing rotten apples at cars. I was stoked. I thought he might actually let me get out of the car to chase down my peers. Unfortunately we didn't find them.

Then a call came in that sounded pretty cool. A train driver (engineer?) had called to report seeing what looked like a dead body off to the side of the tracks. I think we were both equally excited. When we got close to where the body was reported, he turned off the road and started driving on a dirt road that ran parallel to the tracks. He was driving slowly and asked me to use the light on the side of the car to look for the body. He said to me, "You look at that side and I'll check this side." It was like we were looking for an address or something... only it wasn't an address. We were looking for a mangled corpse. As I peered out the passenger side of the car, Officer Evertsen was telling me about how some people jump in front of trains when they want to kill themselves. As he was talking, I started to get pretty scared. I decided I didn't really want to see a dead body.

Then I saw something mostly hidden in the tall grass. I got a knot in my stomach, throat and all five of my appendages. I said, "I think I see something." He stopped the car and cranked his light around to where mine was shining. A slideshow of gruesome images started going through my head. Most of them were photos of the farm injuries I found on the internet. Body parts that didn't even look like body parts. Then I heard Officer Evertsen say, "That's just a bag of concrete. Dang." "Dang." I echoed. Once I was told it wasn't a body, I kind of wished it was... mostly cause it would have been a great story to tell my friends.

"Well, let's keep driving to see if we can find anything else... but that's probably what the guy saw." We finished our patrol and didn't see any bodies. Then Officer Evertsen decided that he'd had enough of our uneventful evening. "How about if we go back to the station and I'll show you some file photo's of other suicides we've had on these tracks." The thought of seeing pictures instead of an actual body sounded much more appealing to me.

We drove back to the station and he busted out some seriously awesome photo's of other train track suicides. Totally bitchin'. I won't describe the photo's in too much detail, but one of the pictures he showed me didn't appear to be a photo of much of anything. Then he said, "Do you see that right there?" He pointed to a small object that could have been anything. He asked, "Do you know what that is?" I told him I didn't have any idea. He said, "That's the roof of the guy's mouth."

It was seriously one of the most enjoyable times of my life... up to that point.

I got set up on a date last night. Her name is Carrie. As I was driving to her house to pick her up, I realized that I had no idea what her last name was. I had spoken to her on the phone a couple of times, but didn't think to ask her last name.

She was the only one at home when I got there. She invited me in and told me she needed to do one final thing before we left. When she went into the other room, I decided to check out the mail on the table to see if I could find something addressed to her. I saw something from an Attorney's Office and I saw a collection notice from Columbia House Music Club (who doesn't owe those savages money?) addressed to Carrie Evertsen.

Turns out Carrie's dad is the officer I rode along with eight years ago. I told her the story about my ride-along. It was the most entertaining part of the date, unfortunately.

See, that's why I told the story about my ride-along with Carrie's dad instead of my date with Carrie. It was a much more interesting blog post that way. Carrie has an overbite and her eyes are too far apart. Oh... and I'm pretty sure she's not Mormon.

Calvin

Weighing In

2010-05-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

With all my goings on with Claire, Andrea, Shaleese, and ugly-kissing-traps of late, I haven't had a chance to weigh in on our new roommates or talk about much else. So, since there is nothing interesting to write about - except for maybe the run in I had with Todd Herzog while doing my second to last day of Census detail yesterday... but no one wants to hear about that. (I did get a pic though!)

Tim is a pretty cool guy. I like him. He has one of those "radio voice's" which makes me wish I could get him to church so he could bless the sacrament because that would sound awesome (motivation for missionary work). My only irritation with him so far is that he does these courtesy laughs where it seems like he realizes mid-laugh that it may seem a little disingenuous so he over compensates by laughing much harder and longer than would ever be necessary. It makes for an experience which usually leaves whoever is in the room with a pained look on their face, that reminds me of a 10 year old playing the sunflower in the school play.

Best Tim quote:
"You know Jake, the use of a that's-what-she-said joke during a Sunday school class discussion is always appropriate... if properly timed."

Gabe was a good companion of mine on the mish... I wouldn't say one of the best, but he was in the top 2/3's. Part of the problem with Gabe is that he and I have very little in common. He is a pretty boy, whereas I am more of a bum/gutter. The guy loves cars do much he has to go see his Bishop every time that he sees a nice one, whereas I don't know the difference between an Audi A4 or A8. I knew before I asked Gabe to move in that Calvin would probably hate him, (which Calvin didn't learn until proofreading this) but I have kind of taken on the management side of our "business" and we need renters, so I figure if anything, Calvin's distaste for Gabe will just lead to some hilarious mockery later on. Meanwhile the bills are paid.

Best Gabe quote:
"When I get a Pagani Zonda I can sleep with any girl I want. Where can I get $675,000 dollars and fornication pass?"

Aaron is still gay. He had his birthday this week and we all forgot, but he didn't say anything to anyone. It's not like theres Facebook or phone reminders or Outlook calendars to remind us of things like this. Aaron decided to never bring it up, and then, after his birthday he tries to bust some guilt trip on us. Doesn't that sound gay to you...? Obviously I mean "gay" in a the NOT-homosexual kind of way, (not that I needed to explain that to you) though, I suspect Aaron is that kind of gay too... just check the tile in the kitchen.

Best Aaron quote:
"Dude, an entrechat has nothing to do with any of the five positions. So you're just making yourself sound retarded."

Lance let some girl talk him into bleaching his hair recently. She did a crappy job and it went a weird yellow color. He now looks like an evil German version of himself.

Best Lance quote:
"I've got all the steeze this house needs guys."

Nick still doesn't live with us but he is over at our house 6 nights a week. That's literally the most interesting thing about him... except that he's short and we tease him for it.

Best Nick quote:
"I'm not is sure is my argument is you is is yours?"

Andrea still hasn't called. Which is causing me measurable amounts of stress. I caught myself looking through my phone for pictures of us together. I only have one! Which really bums me out. Especially because in it she is making one of those faces where you fill your cheeks with air and make your chin disappear so it looks like you have 37 necks. It's hard to say, "Look at this pic, this is the girl I let go." Without someone responding with something like, "Are you sure that isn't a picture of you with your arm around Stephen Hawking?" I'm calling Andrea if she doesn't call me soon. At least that's what I think today. Tomorrow... I might change my mind.

Best Andrea quote:
"I always thought it said, 'Buy this shalmano' like shalmano was a word I'd learn when I was older... 'By this shall men know?' duh Andrea!"

Claire actually called me to apologize for Monday. She said that Adam called her after she invited me and begged her to take him back. She admitted that she didn't know what to do but tried to make it a group thing. She exclaimed how embarrassed she was. She also told me how embarrassed Adam was, to which I told her that he was a tool and that she could do way better. She went on to say how glad she was that I was there. That that somehow made it easier for her to hook up with the geezer right in front of me. I'm pretty bitter still, so she can suck it.

Best Claire quote:
"Jake, you've got moxie and that's really attractive."

Shaleese has agreed to go out with me this coming weekend. I was suddenly empowered after I found one of Wendy's red hairs somehow wrapped around the strap of my flip flop. I'm pretty excited for our date. I just hope she wears some pink, because if not that will ruin all of my material for the evening. I definitely need to move on because I'm not liking the way I am portraying myself on this blog. I'm really kind of a wiener... I should make myself sound way cooler than I actually am since no one knows who I am.

Best Shaleese quote: "I can think of at least 6 places I'd rather be than on a date Saturday night... buuut, there's no way any of those are happening so, yes."

Best Calvin quote: "If you knew for a fact, right now, that in 5 years she would be fat, would you stop dating her?"

Best Jake quote: "Dude... you look like an evil German version of yourself, I keep expecting Indiana Jones to come around the corner."

Jake

Gaybe

2010-05-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

His name isn't really "Gaybe". It's Gabe. If you've read more than three of my blog posts, you know that I look for any reason at all to use the word "gay". Mostly cause I think it's hilarious. It also helps to keep some of our easily offended readers at gay... I mean at bay. Sorry. That one was on accident for reals.

Gabe served with Jake in Ireland. After I came home, Jake still had a few months left and Elder Smart came in to take my place. Elder Gabe Smart. I never knew him. He had been out for a little over a year and he'd been in a different part of our mission. Gabe got back from his mission last month and Jake mentioned to him that we had some rooms for rent. He jumped on it pretty quick.

The same week Gabe got back to Utah, he asked if we had anyone we could set him up with... like on a date. Holly and Melanie have still been hanging out at our house a lot and it's getting pretty old. I'm not sure what they're doing. I mean, they've been hanging out with us for the last year. I guess they're pretty cool and everything, but it's borderline irritating. Jake and I have been tempted lately to tell them to stop coming around. They're kinda getting in the way of our other plans. We're trying to expand our "finding pool" to include the largest variety of women as possible and it seems like Holly and Melanie are stagnant.

When Gabe asked if we could set him up with someone, Jake gave him Melanie's phone number. I'm not really sure what the plan was at the time, but they've actually hit it off pretty well. I'm not sure if Gabe likes her because they made out on the first date... and I'm not sure if Melanie likes him because she can't get anyone else living at our house. But either way, they've been dating for about six weeks. Gabe is in the process of moving into our house. It's pretty exciting to have some rent money rolling in finally. If we can just scrounge up a couple more renters, Jake and I will be in pretty good shape.

Melanie stopped by the other night looking for Gabe, but he had gone to his parents house to pick up a few more of his things. She decided to hang out and wait for him. No big deal since she probably would have been hanging out at our house anyway. Jake and I decided to take the opportunity to ask her to tell us about how things were going with her "boyfriend", Gabe.

Jake: So, Mel... how are things going with Gabe?
Mel: Good. He's a great guy. He's so romantic?
Calvin: Really? How can he afford to be romantic? He just barely got a job.
Mel: He doesn't spend a lot of money. That's not what I mean. I mean... he's just so sweet and loving. He's definitely my type.

Jake and I exchanged a loving smirk.

Jake: That's odd. I wonder why he never came on to me when we served together. Yup... that's how gay he sounds.

I start laughing, of course, cause Jake is so hilarious.

Mel (getting defensive): He's not gay at all. Trust me. He's anything but gay.
Calvin: So what does he do that's so romantic?
Mel: Well... for example... last night we were hanging out and kissing and stuff. Then Gabe started telling me how attractive I am and asked if I'd mind if he just stared at me.
Jake: He wanted to stare at you?
Mel: Yeah. He said he'd love it if he could stare at me for 30 full minutes. I said 'sure'... so he did.

Jake and I just looked at Melanie for 5-7 seconds... waiting for the punchline.

It never came.

Jake: What do you mean, "He did."?
Mel: I mean, he did. He stared at me for a half hour.
Calvin (short pause): He sat across from you and stared at your face for 30 minutes?
Mel: Yeah.

Jake and I started laughing pretty hard. I mean, who does that? Seriously.

Jake (still laughing): Who does that? Seriously.
Mel: It was the sweetest thing, guys. I don't know why it's so funny.
Calvin (still laughing): Was it like a staring contest?
Mel: No. He wasn't just staring at my eyes. He was looking at my whole face. Like he wanted to memorize it or something.
Jake (laughing): Did he ask you to turn your head so he could see your face from different angles?
Mel (getting irritated): No. He didn't. But he moved around a little bit so he could see everything he wanted to see.
Calvin (laughing): Where were you? Were all the lights on?
Mel: We were in his room at his parents house. The lights were off, but he used the light from his cell phone when he needed to see something better.
Jake: So for 30 minutes, you and Gabe are sitting in a dark room and he was just staring at you with the light from his cell phone?
Mel: Yeah.
Cal: What did you guys talk about?
Mel: He didn't want to talk. Whenever I tried to talk, he would say, "Shhhhh. I'm busy."

At this point my stomach is hurting cause I'm laughing so hard. I was just picturing this situation that Melanie was describing.

Jake (between fits of laughter): Didn't you get uncomfortable at all during this whole thing?
Mel (thinking): A little bit. I felt a little bit creeped out by the end, but it was still sweet.
Cal: How did it end? I gotta know how this story ends.
Mel: It was perfect. His cell phone alarm went off and he leaned over and kissed me.
Jake: Wait, he set the alarm on his cell phone before this all started?
Mel: Yeah. He said he didn't want to be distracted by looking away to check the time.

There you have it. Gabe is in the process of moving in to one of our downstairs bedrooms. Hopefully some of his womanizing technique can rub off on the rest of us... minus the "creepy".

Calvin

Ugly Turn of Events

2010-05-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't got the "hey-I'm-getting-married-and-wanted-to-call-and-tell-you-about-it-for-some-reason-that-you-probably-can't-fathom-a-reason-you-can't-even-pretend-to-know-for-this-blog-post-because-if-you-could-that-would-mean-you-could-fathom-a-reason-for-this-informative-yet-painful-phone-call" call from Andrea that she said she was going to make.

Meanwhile life goes on. Claire's relationship with Old Adam has been a little rocky lately. She has called me on a couple of occasions to talk. Occasions which I have avoided because I don't want to console her or advise her on her boyfriend issues and jump into "the friend zone".

I'll admit, I've been overly inquisitive with those close to her to find out "the skinny" on the situation. Apparently, Old Adam has changed in recent weeks. Criticizing things like the cleanliness of her house, or things that she has chosen to wear. Things, which to me sound silly that I can't believe any man would have issue with. Also he has been described by my sources as being extra "needy" and "insecure" in recent days.

Then today, Claire put up three Facebook statuses that alluded to them breaking up. "Claire knows that she is a great catch, and thinks she should be treated like one." "Claire is tired of hearing I'm sorry over and over again while nothing changes." "Claire this time baby I'll be bulletproof" Then around 5 o'clock today she changed her relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single".

At about six, I got a call from Claire. She tells me that she needs a pick-me-up. She says that she wants to take advantage of the nice weather and go up one of the canyons and maybe do a campfire or something. I offer to invite my roommates, but she admits she hasn't had a good day and that she was hoping for a little "Jake" time.

This was it, I was especially liking the terms "pick-me-up" and "Jake time." During our phone conversation I had to keep myself from making some horrible comment like, "Don't worry baby, I'll Jake you up" while repeatedly raising and lowering my eyebrows. Here's my chance to swoop in and show her that I was not a "friend zone" kinda guy.

So, I get to Claires place and sure enough, no Adam in sight and she is dressed in flannel (totally back in style by the way... I see chicks in it everywhere) and she has a sleeping bag and some blankets piled up on the chair. I give her a hug and tell her I'm sorry for her bad day. I tell her how cute she looks and then Wendy walks in from her room. She is wearing flannel too... A little surprised, I make one of those "didn't get the memo" jokes and I notice (unfortunately) that Wendy is carrying a sleeping bag too, which she sets on the chair with the rest.

I guess that Claire wants some Jake and Wendy time. The Two girls talk about smores and food and before I know it we are all piled into Wendy's car heading out. At some point during all the jokes and conversation Claire says to Wendy, "He's going to meet us at the mouth of the canyon." I'm not certain but I think I may have done a double take. The question in my head and probably yours too? Jake and Wendy time plus "who else" time? Claire notices the confused look on my face and says, "Adam is going to meet us there."

I realize there will be no "Jaking me up"'s for Claire tonight (or for me, depending on how you look at it). I said, "Maybe my Facebook was broken today, but I could of sworn... Claire cuts me short and says, "I changed it back just before you got to my house. I was being a little too dramatic today." She makes her trademarked cute little oopsie grin, which, in most cases makes a difference. Right now, it did not.

I began to visualize the coming evening and I didn't like it. Me, Claire, Adam, and Wendy in the woods in the dark. Right after Claire and Adam had a rough day. I knew the would be of whispering and stuff leaving me to hang with Wendy. I started to feel very not excited with my plight... but what could I do, I was stuck in the car already committed to this little adventure.

As per usual Adam is like 45 minutes later than he says he's gonna be, and it's almost 8:00 before we even get going. Adam gets in the car we head up the canyon to try and find a good campfire spot. Things aren't looking to good as all the spots we try are either closed or full. I start to hope that we will call the whole thing off and just go back to Claire's complex. That's where my car is at. That's where I can escape. The sun starts going down and Adam suggests we at least just go catch the sunset. My suggestion to just go catch a movie at the cineplex is mocked because of the niceness of the day.

We go back down the canyon and get into Adams truck and he drives us to some barren "up on the east side" road. We park on the side of the road. The view was phenomenal, but there was nowhere to sit or lay in all the gravel. So what do we do, we all climb into the back of the pick-up. Adam and Claire are of course snuggling. Which left Wendy and me. Pick-up beds aren't very big and Wendy kept getting closer and nudging her way into my embrace.

I try to keep a 4 person conversation going for as long as I can, but Claire and Adam keep whispering to each other. At this point everything is completely out of my control. All I want is to get out of here. Instead Claire and Adam end up lying down whispering and kissing. The natural course of action that Wendy interprets is to follow suit.

It got dark.

I was not talking.

I was spooning with Wendy.

I could see the stars okay.

I hear the soft smacking of lips from Claire's side of the pick-up. (I say side of the pick-up but really I could have stretched my arm out and caressed Adams shoulder)

We were probably only there for half an hour, but it seems to me like forever. It was horrible. I was trapped. Not trapped. Tortured.

Wendy's okay. I like her, she can get a little annoying and finds way too many opportunities to be judgmental but she is fun and easy to talk to. This situation might have been okay, except that Wendy starts trying to turn our "lay down" in the dark into something more. First, she says while spooning, "Why don't you snuggle me?" So I sort of shuffle my hands around in a massaging fashion on her back. My heart wasn't in it so I'm sure it sucked. So she tells me to tickle her arm in a very specific way, which involves her grabbing my arms and demonstrating like I am a puppet.

Then in one horrifying instance she rolls over. Of course she does. Our noses are almost touching. She whispers, "Jake, do you want to kiss me?" I don't. I don't want to think about kissing her. I try to think of something to say, someway to let her down easy. I definitely don't want to delay and have her interpret my hesitation as cutesy nervousness convincing her to take the initiative and just plant a wet one on me. I say, "No." It's dark enough now that I can't see her face, but I can see a little light reflecting in the whites of her eyes and can tell they are moving back and forth like she is confused. We lay there. Not another word is spoken between us.

I wish that my "no" stemmed from my feelings for Claire. That I don't want to Kiss Wendy because it might ruin my chances. I wish it were because I don't have feelings for Wendy... or some other slightly noble reason. I would even be happy to blame it on this bad night and getting my hopes up only to be made a fool. Not just any fool but an epically foolish fool-hardy fool.

The truth is though, the honest to goodness truth is that I don't want to kiss her because she is ugly. So unattractive, no, so ugly, that the thought of kissing her makes me ill. Physically ill. If any of the other girls in Claire's complex were here I would kiss them without hesitation. Just like I did with Daisy. Shallow? Un-Christlike? Yes I know. The fact that I know that those two things are the case doesn't change the fact that that's how I feel.

Wendy closed her eyes and just laid there for probably 20 more minutes while we listened to Claire and Adam smooch. Finally, I called out into the night, "Should we go to Carl's Jr? I can hear a chocolate shake screaming my name from here." There is some silence for about 10 seconds when Adam says, "You're reading my mind, Bro."

Wendy didn't utter a word to me for the rest of the night and is obviously moping. Claire and Adam seemed happy. I'm so glad I could be there for their little make-up make-out. Jerks.

I am pissed off...

Jake

Faux Dream

2010-05-16T06:01:00.000-07:00

Kristen is doing everything right in this situation. It sucks pretty bad, cause I keep looking for reasons to justify my behavior, but she's not giving me anything to work with. I hate when girls do that.

I recognize how little sense I'm making right now. I dedicated an entire post to my history with Kristen. I purposely went out of my way to make sure you understood how awesome she is. And I still do think she's great, which makes it even harder to explain my attitude and behavior.

It's weird, too, cause since I've been writing this blog I've been forced to look at myself through the eye's of other people. I pretend like the comments don't influence my actions, but they might, you know? Most normal guys don't have blogs. They don't tell their stories. And if they DO tell their stories and if they're gay enough to actually blog, then the people who read their blog are probably friends and family. Everyone knows that those people can't be trusted to speak their minds... at least not as openly and honestly as complete strangers, like you douchers.

So Jake and I write this blog. We read the comments. We publish 98% of them. But we still make bad decisions and stupid mistakes. It's like we have 75 sets of parents and they're all telling us to do the same things. The funny part is, we know what we should do. We just don't do it. We're just as good at ignoring you as we are at ignoring our real parents.

Everyone tells me to just call Kristen. I know I should call her. But I haven't. And I probably won't. Why? Because I don't really want to. Sure, she's one of my best high school buddies. But who cares? We're not in high school anymore. She lives 35 miles away. I don't see her very often anyway. What am I really losing? She'll get married in the next few years and I won't be far behind her hopefully. Then what? It's not like we're gonna still be friends. Seriously. That's what marriage is, isn't it? Aren't we supposed to leave our friends behind and cling to our spouse? I'm sure I've heard that somewhere. I'll still keep Jake close to my heart, but I honestly don't expect to keep any of my female friends, so what's the difference? It's either leave her behind now or in a couple of years.

So if I'm not going to marry Kristen (which I'm not), then what's the point? Before we made out my argument would have been different, but only because I secretly wanted to roll around with her. I don't expect girls to understand, but it's almost impossible for me (and most guys?) to honestly assess my feelings for a girl until I've had my tongue in her mouth. Once I've kissed a girl for an extended period of time, then I can actually step back and dissect my feelings without the burden of horizontal curiosity. I'm constantly amazed with how much I think I like a girl until I kiss her. It's like... when our lips touch I can physically feel my interest waning. With each nibble of her ear, I think, "This is fun... but I'm not really interested in this girl."

I'm rambling. I know. Kristen called me on Friday. I let it go to voice mail... like I usually do. I heard my phone beep about two minutes after it stopped ringing. I noticed she had left me a message. I felt like I do when debt collectors call. I was tempted to delete it without listening to it like I do with my overdue bill messages. If I don't hear the message then it never existed.

I couldn't bring myself to listen to it... or delete it. So the message sat there for about two hours while I watched TV. I had a hard time focusing, though, cause I really wanted to know what Kristen had to say... but I simultaneously wanted Kristen to live in Canada.

I listened to it and it made my stomach hurt. I tried half-heartedly to figure out a way to upload her message to the blog, but then figured I'd also need to figure out a way to change her voice, so I just gave up. I will transpose the message she left in it's entirety:

"Hey Calvin. It's Kristen. I haven't heard from you in a few days. (sigh) I had the weirdest dream I wanted to tell you about. (pause) I dreamed that you were avoiding me because you felt... uncomfortable talking to me about something. In my dream, I kept telling you that you didn't need to feel stupid. I begged you to not leave me behind cause I think you were leaving or moving on in some way or something. I did everything I could think of to make sure you felt okay about whatever was bothering you. So anyway... weird dream, huh? I hope to talk to you soon, Calvin. See ya."

It was pretty obvious that Kristen didn't really have any dream... but I thought it was a creative way to get it out in the open. I'm not really interested, though. We have a lot of other things going on this summer and I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine without Kristen in my life. She is pretty awesome, though.

Calvin

The Marriage Jake Built

2010-05-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

Some shocking news... well not sure if shocking is the right word for it, but... as I mentioned before, Aaron "dates" (that is, he makes-out with on the occasional evening, when he doesn't have a make-out or actual date scheduled with someone else) Andrea's cousin, Carla aka Freckles. Today, Aaron called me from work and said, "Guess what Carla just told me?" I knew it was about Andrea, and I figured if Aaron was calling me from work he had probably heard it at lunch today and couldn't wait to get home to tell me. I braced myself for bad news. "What?" I said. Aaron replied, "Andrea is getting married." My heart sank at the news.

Over the past few months Andrea has become my 'the girl that got away' story. I have compared every girl since to my relationship with her. Right now even, I continue to draw parallels to Claire that I recognize are influencing my decision.

I'm not sure how to think or what to do about it. Or of I should do anything at all. The whole idea seems bittersweet. Sweet, because if she does get married, that would give me a feeling of closure and I could actually think that leaving her was the right thing to do. Bitter, because as of now, looking back I made a terrible choice. What (if any) growth I have experienced over the past six months has taught me that leaving someone because I perceive them as being better than me is an awful idea. When I go back and read her letter, the things that she said about me, and the way she felt about me... makes me worry that no one will ever feel that way about me again.

I had been silent on the phone for about as long as it took to read what I just wrote. Aaron finally said, "Yeah, it's that fireman guy, too." I imagined him on the other end of the phone doodling in the margins of some note pad with a grin. I wanted to punch him in the face. He seemed to relish delivering this message too much. I said, "Thought so." Aaron said, "Sorry, man. Carla said that Andrea was telling her that she felt like she needed to call you." I replied, "Hmm, well that'll be weird."

Jake

Tim Gone Wild

2010-05-10T06:38:00.000-07:00

We got a new room mate this week. His name is Tim. We've had several people call about our ad on KSL, Yahoo, and our new one on Craig's List, but only a few people so far have actually come over for a tour. We haven't outlined any specific requirements in order to live in our house and we're wondering if that may actually be hurting us somehow. We've thought recently that maybe people would be more interested in living with us if we made ourselves sound more spiritually strict than we really are. Didn't a Prophet say something about how we marry the sames types of girls that we date? Well, if we want LDS roomies, maybe we should be specific in our ad that we're looking for spiritual giants.

Tim isn't a spiritual giant, but he's pretty cool. When he called, he asked if we'd object to him coming over and checking out our place. When I got home from taking my last final, I came in the back door and noticed Lance was heating up a Hot Pocket. I pretended to be interested in what Lance was saying as I casually went to the freezer to make sure Lance wasn't heating up one of my Hot Pockets. He wasn't. Then I wandered into the front room and noticed a complete stranger sitting on our couch watching TV. I've grown accustomed to strangers in our house. I always assume that the stranger is friends with one of my room mates, and so far I've always been correct in that assumption. I walked past the stranger and got on the computer to see if I had any messages from hotties on my LDSmingle account. Lance came into the room about five minutes later cradling his Hot Pocket on a paper towel. He sat on the opposite side of the couch from the stranger and started watching TV, as well.

Lance and I bantered a bit about whether or not I actually felt like it was possible for me to meet my Eternal Companion on the world wide web. The stranger laughed at our banter and occasionally contributed to our meaningless conversation. Aaron wandered in about 15 minutes later, sat on the bench and started opening his mail. Nobody was paying any special attention to the stranger on the couch.

Then Jake came in. He sat down in the recliner and said, "Did you guys meet Tim?" We all introduced ourselves and then Jake said, "He's thinking about moving in, but wanted to come over and check out the atmosphere first." I wish Jake would have told me that beforehand because his rent money has become pretty important to our little business venture.

We've decided that in the future, when a potential tenant calls about renting a room, we're gonna invite him over and then promptly call as many girls as possible and have them "drop by" while we're giving him the tour. Luckily, Lance knows more than his share of hotties and appears willing to help out by inviting them over. The problem is, Lance is all talk. He always claims to have all sorts of hook-ups, but things seldom pan out as smoothly as he claims they will.

I guess Tim was pleased with our set-up. He moved in last Monday. It's pretty cool cause he's old so nobody really considers him a threat to our womanizing goals. On top of all that, he's divorced and isn't active in church anymore. He told us that he served a mission, married in the temple but that his wife left him after he supported her through school. (See everyone. A smart woman is a dangerous woman. Much more difficult to control.) Anyway, I guess the best way to describe Tim is as a 26 year old inactive divorcee who is less attractive than me... in my opinion. I like him living with us so far, mostly because I'm not threatened by him at all.

I did notice that he got a Netflix in the mail the other day and it was Girls Gone Wild. I'm wondering if Lance and Tim are going to feed off of each other. The sooner we can get some young, church-going blokes in our house the better. I never want to be outnumbered, unless we're talking about identical foreign exchange student twins who have always wondered what it's like to kiss an average looking Mormon with a great sense of humor. Then I wouldn't mind so much being outnumbered.

Calvin

Finals Week

2010-05-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

How grateful I am that I got kicked out of college last semester. Claire, Calvin, and every other friend of mine who is in college has been so incredibly busy with finals.

Every invite and activity seems to be thwarted with some sort of excuse involving the word "finals".

This has given me and Lance a little more time to hang out over the past few days.

Lance has the ability to hang out with and make out with a few different girls at the same time. Something I have always thought I would be good at, but that I've never really had a chance to try out.

It's always good to see Lance in action. Even though I will often discount his success by saying that it is only because he is so good looking. I do have to give him some credit. He has definitely learned how to maximize his chick pulling abilities.

With everyone else out of commission for finals week, we went on a little man date. Our goal was to meet some new girls. We went to Red Rock for dinner, and while there, there was a table of 3 girls sitting on the other side of the restaurant. He kept making eye contact and finally said, "Those girls are into us." I turned around to look, and they were looking right at us. I quickly jerked back around, embarrassed, and said, "Nice dude... they totally busted me." Lance said, "Yeah, that's what I was hoping for. Hold on." Then he stood up and walked over to their table.

I couldn't hear what was said, but I heard them all laughing a couple of times. One of those times was after Lance pointed at me. Then I saw Lance talking to a server for a minute. Next thing I knew Lance and I were sitting next to these three girls all at a new table getting to know each other.

I was amazed at Lance's courage. Maybe it was the fact that girls always told him (these three included) amidst giddy giggles that he looked like Leonardo Dicaprio. There is no way I could ever imagine doing what I just saw him do. Unless maybe I was Leonardo Dicaprio.

We made some new friends. Karla, Amie, and Cassie. Honestly, they were cuter from the other side of the restaurant. Karla was the best looking and she was on Lance from minute one. I was able to be pretty funny and did a good job of playing wingman. I'm pretty sure that I could have had my choice between Amie and Cassie... but Shaleese and Claire are more attractive and more interesting. Still it was a pretty impressive display by Lance.

Jake

Emotional Enema

2010-05-06T09:51:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I've done irreparable damage to my relationship with Kristen. I didn't do it on purpose. It just kind of happened. I've been trying my best to figure out how to tell this story. For our regular readers, it might seem odd that we think certain topics are "off-limits", but we do. There are some things we know are crossing the line, so we don't talk about them. I could give you a list of topics we've avoided, but then we wouldn't be avoiding them, would we?

When I began this post, I was tempted to just say, "Well, things didn't work out with Kristen" and leave it at that, but that wouldn't be fair to you guys. A lot of you appear to be as involved in this situation as I am and I want to make sure you're aware of the mistakes I made... even if the only reason is so you can avoid similar mistakes in your own life down the road.

That said, however, I feel like we have enough spiritually sensitive readers that I don't have a choice but to be slightly vague and purposely unclear. I hope that the majority of you are mature and experienced enough to comprehend the details I choose to allude to. Bottom line: If you don't "get it", then you probably shouldn't "get it". Nuff said.

(Additional Note: I have typed the subsequent paragraph three times and it continues to come across as much too vulgar no matter how obscure I try to be. I've decided to tell a parallel story in hopes you'll be able to read between the lines. Maybe I shouldn't care as much as I do... but I honestly don't want to put anyone off. Let's proceed.)

Dr. Pepper burns my throat, but I think it tastes so delicious. Last time I saw Kristen, we both drank a whole bunch of Dr. Pepper and we both really really enjoyed it, but by the end of our date, my throat was red and inflamed due to all of my Dr. Pepper consumption.

Kristen has been calling me a lot and I'm pretty sure she has several liters of Dr. Pepper she wants to bring over to my house to share with me. But since my throat has been hurting so badly, I decided to not let her come over. I don't want her to know that Dr. Pepper hurts my throat, cause that just makes me sound stupid.

Yesterday afternoon I noticed my throat was all better. I was really glad because I hadn't been able to drink any Dr. Pepper... or any carbonated beverage for so long and I was getting pretty thirsty for that sort of liquid. I thought briefly about closing myself in my room and just chugging a 20 oz'er as fast as I could, but then I remembered that Kristen had been trying to share her Dr. Pepper for the last nine days. I didn't want to quench my thirst with my own soda and then not be thirsty when Kristen came over to share.

I called Kristen and apologized for being so distracted lately and I asked her if she was interested in coming over to my house to hang out for a little while. Kristen was very receptive to my suggestion. Just as I expected, when Kristen arrived at my house last night she had brought over a couple of one-liter bottles of Dr. Pepper. I said, "Is one of those for me?" Kristen handed me one of the bottles and smiled.

Then I noticed Kristen was pulling something else out of the plastic bag. It was two Dr. Pepper glasses and a bag of ice. Kristen appeared to be ready for a whole evening of drinking Dr. Pepper. Before I had a chance to thank Kristen for being so generous, I noticed my Dr. Pepper bottle was empty. Apparently, while Kristen was getting the glasses and ice out of her bag, I had inadvertently drank my entire liter without even realizing it. I drank it so quickly that my throat didn't even have a chance to burn. I noticed Kristen's gaze drifting toward my empty bottle. I stood up quickly and hid the bottle behind my back so she couldn't see it. Kristen was just barely getting ready to crack open her own Dr. Pepper and here I was... already done with my own.

I didn't know what to do. Kristen was really confused. She looked at me and asked, "Are you ok? Is everything all right?" I didn't know what to say. I felt stupid for being so impatient. I thought about explaining what happened... telling her that I should have waited... or at least tried to wait for her to get comfortable. But I didn't. I lied. Again.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Kristen looked like she wanted to say something. Instead of just telling Kristen about my empty bottle, I told her that we shouldn't be drinking Dr. Pepper because it has caffeine. I'm sure I sounded like a complete moron. She was very aware of every other time I'd consumed caffeinated beverages. But she didn't say anything. She agreed with me... because technically I was right. Then she left.

Do I like Kristen? Yes, I do. But I don't like her enough to tell her about my premature ingestion of our favorite carbonated drink. I felt stupid and I inadvertently made Kristen feel stupid, too.

So there you have it. Bridge successfully burned.

Calvin

Grab Yourself

2010-05-05T00:36:00.000-07:00

Only recently have I started to question the origins and continued use of the term "grab yourself by the balls and..." I have pictured myself having to do some courageous thing like slay a dragon or spit game in a rap-off with Eminem. I gotta say that in every instance I thought about, where I have to do anything, I only see benefits to having both of my hands free.

Of course being a soccer player I considered the "wall" players make to defend a free kick. I know that in that instance, grabbing oneself is done to protect the tender organs, and by virtue of protecting said organs one has more courage to stand there and take it. Really though, the soccer scenario involves waiting for something to happen, and not going and doing anything. This curiosity, of course, stems from what you, our readers, seem to think passes for advice in my dating endeavors regarding my nervous demeanor around attractive members of the opposite sex. (Unless I pull off a very smooth and confident encounter) It gets repeated time and time again that I should proceed to grab myself and "...just ask her out." or "...tell her how you feel." or "...kiss her."

I admit that I do envy those of you who have the courage to just do those kinds of things without fear of rejection. I do not have that luxury. Call me names. I don't mind really. Tell me how I am pathetic, weak and chicken. I'm sure that those are the kinds of things you could say that will best help me to change my ways and suddenly become calloused to the fear of rejection. Regardless, my number one fear is the fear of rejection. I am sure that it probably branches out to all aspects of my life, but it is most noticeable when interacting with women.

If you actually read this blog you might remember how I almost missed my first kiss after the mish, because I passed up on three chances before she had to basically make the move for me. Or how I had to trick Andrea into going out with me through an over complicated yet clever ruse. You might also take note that Becca, Harper, Sanders, and Daisy either kissed me first or gave me ridiculously obvious green lights. Then there is the whole Claire thing. Psh, that's the best example.

The evidence speaks for itself. I have no game. None. The situations where I shined with some level of courage were those when I was on a mission (Sanders), already dating someone (Becca, Harper), or totally into someone else (Daisy). So basically if my history means anything, unless I fall into something... I ain't getting anything. I know that I am a pansy. I know that I need to care less about getting rejected. I kick myself before, during and after every meaningful interaction with a potential female where I don't do what it seems obvious I should do.

I guess that is really the point of this whole blog though, right?

I was driving to our final day of Census training, and I still hadn't asked Shaleese out. I was thinking about how badly I needed to ask her out. I was lamenting the many missed opportunities so far. I had planned something pretty funny that I could say to ask her out, too. I was going to say something like, "It's too bad you don't wear pink more often." To which she would of course say, "Uh, I wear pink everyday, and I am wearing pink right now." My response would then be, "Oh my gosh really? I am totally color blind and hadn't realized that was pink. I find pink so attractive on girls that if I'd know that was pink, I would have asked you out by now." To which she would start giggling adorably. I would then say, "So, what do you say, a date? Are you comfortable being seen with the color blind?"

I ran the scenario through my head over and over planning for that to somehow come out.

This is what actually happened.

Shaleese was wearing this white top (love white on chicks) with a fat pink belt thingy. So far so good.
JAKE: Cute shirt. You ever think about incorporating more pink into your wardrobe?
SHALEESE: (laughter) Uh, yeah, like, I don't really like pink. It's sooooo pop diva.

Uh oh. She was being sarcastic. It was totally in character for her, but somehow I didn't plan on it.

JAKE: Well, that's too bad. Too too bad.
SHALEESE: Why?
JAKE: Because pink is awesome.
SHALEESE: Yeah well, wait oh look! (she looks down at her belt) Somehow I ended up with a pink belt. Weird, but hey, it's pink.

Phew, back on track. Now things were going according to my plan. She had set up my whole "color blind angle" perfectly.

JAKE: Wha- well I guess that makes you awesome.
SHALEESE: Yes, it does. I mean I already knew that, but I'm glad you realize it. (she looks at the lady across the isle from her) Jake says I'm awesome.
JAKE: ...yep, awesome...

I paused for a long enough time that Shaleese changed the subject... I never got another opportunity.

What happened???

Well, while she was looking at her belt, I got nervous. Really nervous. I started to doubt my script. I thought, "How cheesy, she'll see right through it and think it's retarded". When I say "nervous" I am talking about an actual tangible feeling. My chest cramps up and I can feel something in my neck getting tense, kind of like all the muscles in my neck are flexing simultaneously without actually flexing at all. My mind called "abort, abort". For a moment, I thought about improvising some "save", and I even thought about just saying, "We should go out" but with each modification I considered, that knotting feeling intensified. I chickened out.

I was frantically trying to talk myself into figuring out something else before the end of training that day. I even entertained actually physically grabbing myself by the balls to see if that would do something. Anything.

Training ended and everyone was saying their goodbyes and what not. I was standing about four feet away from Shaleese. She finished saying goodbye to one lady and turned and saw me. I didn't have anything planned, I started feeling that same feeling and realized that I wasn't going to do anything. She jumped with both feet and landed right in front of me with one hand outstretched. I said, "Whoa, that was athletic." She ignored me and as she vigorously shook my hand she said, "I was really pretty nice to you through all this. I think you owe me dinner."

Jake

Updates

2010-05-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

You know how some people have those links to their favorite blogs on their sidebar? I've noticed several of them are the fancy kind that have the title of the most recent blog post as well as a photo (if available) from the blog post. I think about that kind of stuff when I'm typing the title of my blog posts. I think to myself, "I want to catch people's attention when they see MBP has a new post up." I've thought about going so far as to title our posts with the most extreme subjects I can fathom just to draw people to our blog that maybe wouldn't have visited otherwise. I mean, if you saw someone's blog roll and you noticed "The Smith Family Robinson" had recently posted and the title was "Blessing Day", would you click on it? Of course not. That's the most boring topic I can possibly imagine. However, what if you saw a blog called "Mormon Bachelor Pad" had a new post called "My Mom Caught Me!" or "Emotional Enema" or "She Threw Up All Over My Laptop". Would you click on that? So would I. Those posts sound frickin' awesome.

But then I thought people would be pissed if they clicked on the blog and noticed the post had absolutely nothing to do with my mom catching me d0ing anything... then they'd be pissed and refuse to read our blog ever again. So I decided not to do that.

So here we are. You're reading a blog post called "Updates". There are no illusions about what this post will be about, I hope. I'm going to talk about a couple of different things just to tie up any blog loose ends that you might be stepping on.

My Aforementioned Discomfort: It's getting better. Kristen has called me four times over the last five days. I've tried my best to think of excuses why I can't hang out with her, but it's getting more difficult. Maybe I shouldn't assume the only reason she wants to get together is to roll around, but I'm pretty sure that's what's going on. We had way too much fun last Tuesday/Wednesday and I'm still suffering the side effects. Honestly, I've suffered from this type of ailment two other times in my life and it's never... ever... ever been this bad. Kristen and I are close enough, I could probably tell her what's going on. She'd laugh and apologize, most likely, but it's too embarrassing. I can't imagine what she's thinking since I've started avoiding her. It's not because I don't like her or anything. It's simply self-preservation. I'm sure she'll be fine. (I like to compare it to breaking my pinky toe and then someone challenges me to a foot race. It's wussy to say, "I can't. My pinky toe hurts", no matter how true it is. It's much better to say, "Sorry, I'm too busy fixing some manly mechanical problems on my classic vehicle that's been parked in my driveway for two years." Then, when the toe gets better, you call them up and say, "Let's rock, yo!" That's what I'm doing.)

Nick's Silent Treatment: I came home on Friday afternoon and noticed three separate personal checks pinned to our cork board in the kitchen. I wasn't sure if I was important enough for the Silent Treatment to ever actually work on anybody... but it did. Nick wrote Aaron, Jake and I checks for the money he owed each of us. There was a note with them apologizing for taking so long to pay us back. I took my check off the board, ripped it up and threw it away. I was happy that Nick had paid us, but the money wasn't important to me. It was the principle, you know? I found out Saturday night that Jake and Aaron cashed their checks and spent the money. What a couple of morons. I always thought I was cooler and now I know for sure. Then Nick came over after Ward Prayer last night. As soon as he walked in, I said, "Hey, Nick! Good to see ya, buddy!" He walked right over to me and gave me hug. Nobody knew why except for him and me. It's good to have him back.

Brigham's Extended Family: I went out to check and see if mice had begun spilling out over the top of the 10-gallon tank. It was empty. I started freaking out a little bit. I'm not really sure why. It's not like I thought anything too crazy had happened. I knew there was a perfectly logical explanation. I called Jake to see if he knew what happened to them. He did. He told me he had carefully carried the tank into the front yard and used his foot to tip the tank onto it's side. Then he went inside, watched Can't Hardly Wait, and then returned to the yard to retrieve the empty tank.

So I guess we'll be catching those 125 mice in our glue traps for the next several years.

Calvin

2010 Census

2010-04-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

I have taken on a part time job with the US Census. I figure since I am planning on being the first President who can't spell and doesn't care to pretend to, I would start my Government career early. Plus my mom really pushed me and pretty much got this Census job for me.

I've been training for the census. They basically tell us how to not get eaten by dogs, raped by uh... rapists, and how to resolve concerns people have about the Man getting them down.

Most everyone in my training group is old and laid off and nearly all conversations revolve around how bad the economy is and how they are losing their houses. When I say "old" I mean they are in their mid-40s and up. All except for me and one girl. Shaleese. (remember we may not change every name on this blog) Shaleese is 21 and she is cute as a button. I know that description sounds silly, but it's the most accurate description I can come up with.

She has really really really blond hair. It's short and her skin is tan but perfectly smooth. She wears pink every single day, which makes her seem really sweet. We have been doing these trainings now for a while and I haven't been able to muster the courage to talk to her.

Well the other day the trainer paired us off to do role-playing exercises and he paired me and Shaleese together. Everyday I wished he'd do that. It seemed like an obvious choice to me. We were the only 20-somethings. I often sat in class not paying attention and thought, "When I am as old as this guy and I see a dorky kid and a hot girl in a classroom I am always going to pair them off." It just seems like the courteous thing to do... to the dork.

So Shaleese and I sat there and role-played Census taking for a sec. The class room was really loud, though, as everyone else did their exercises. She cut from routine and said, "So Jake, how come you've never talked to me?" I was stunned and felt the way I had felt when I had previously chosen not to talk to her. I didn't know how to relay that without seeming completely pathetic so I said, "Um, I don't know... hopefully, for the same reason you didn't talk to me." (Because she was hot!) She smiled. I could tell she was confident and had a somewhat strong personality which made me infinitely more attracted to her than before. She leaned forward and began quizzing me about... me. I tried to return her curiosity, but she was too random and would sometimes ignore my question completely and just ask me a new question.

Shaleese: How well did you do in high school?
Jake: I did terrible, how about you?
Shaleese: What about college? You going or just working?
Jake: I'm not in school right now, College and me didn't get along. What about you?
Shaleese: Were are you working... you know besides the Census?

As I got more comfortable and was able to successfully make her laugh a few times I realized that she really liked to control the conversation so I decided to add some vague curiosities to my answers.

Shaleese: Do you prefer chicken or steak?
Jake: Depends on the vegetable.
Shaleese: (grinning) No vegetable.
Jake: Is there a sauce of some kind?
Shaleese: No sauce.
Jake: Well, that's easy then...
(I could see a look of satisfaction on her face like she had just won something)
...it depends on how the meats are cooked.
(Her look deflated to 'slight annoyance')
Shaleese: You think you're pretty smart don't you?
Jake: (looking around the room) The smartest person in this room.
Shaleese: (smiled) For being so sure of yourself, it sure took you long enough to talk to me.

I quickly found that Shaleese responded best to me acting cocky. Which luckily comes a little too natural to me. Keep in mind as this story obviously relays, "acting" is the keyword. After that little exchange I kept thinking, 'Just ask her out Jake. Next time she says something about taking so long to talk to her, just ask her out.' We talked for the rest of training that day and only pretended to role play when the trainer would walk around.

Shaleese: You're Mormon right?
Jake: Yes
Shaleese: Do you watch R rated movies?
Jake: Yes
Shaleese: Have you seen Kick-Ass yet?
Jake: No. Have you?
Shaleese: Nope. I can't wait though. It looks so funny.
(This would be the perfect time to say, "Well, why don't we go see it tomorrow night? I knew that, but my chest tightened up and I got all nervous. Why!? so instead...)
Jake: Yeah, it looks hilarious.
Shaleese: I hate Nicolas Cage though. Did you ever see Knowing?
Jake: No.
Shaleese: It was terrible. Just terrible.
(Yet another opportunity to ask her out. I needed to because my recent dates with Vanessa and April weren't stellar. Instead, very cowardly I moved the conversation in another direction because I found that nervous feeling [which I couldn't control] take over.)

Asking her out was on the tip of my tongue for the rest of the entire conversation. I couldn't do it, though. She petrified me, or at least the idea of her rejecting me petrified me. I could not be myself at all, even after conversating for so long. Training ended and I totally pussed out.

Shaleese looked at me as she walked out of class. She smiled and waved. I should have fricking asked her out or at least asked her to walk her to her car or something. Anything.

I have resolved to make certain to ask her out before this training is over (which is next week). Driving home today, I entertained that Shaleese could be the welcomed "relief crush" I had been hoping to replace Claire. Shaleese is cute enough... still, my thing for Claire isn't passed, but this kind of thing is the only way it will pass. I think.

Jake.

Phase 2

2010-04-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

I went to my parents house last night. I wasn't stalking Kristen this time, I actually had to return my dad's post hole digger. I ended up hanging out there for most of the evening. As I was walking out to my truck to leave I glanced down the street and saw Kristen car in her parent's driveway again.

I couldn't take it anymore. I called Kristen. She answered her phone and our conversation was surprisingly comfortable. "Hey, Kristen. I'm not sure if you remember me. I'm the guy that you decided to take advantage of and then kick to the curb. Remember me?" She replied, "Ryan?" I started laughing. She's so cute. I told her that I was at my parents house and had just noticed her car parked in her parents driveway. She told me that she had seen my truck parked over there and was hoping I'd call. It felt good to hear her say that she had at least noticed my truck. I dunno why.

I told her that she should come over to hang out with me at my parents house for old times sake. "I think that sounds like a great idea. I'll be over there in 15 minutes." I was glad I'd finally talked to her, but was nervous at the same time. I had no idea how our visit was going to go. This was going to be the relationship test. Where do we stand? How do we proceed? Are we cool? Was I good enough for you to want to give me another go?

We ended up sitting on my parent's back porch for about a half hour. We talked about her sister and we talked about my brother. Kristen was wearing shorts, of course, and told me that she was getting a little bit cold. I suggested we get our blood moving by jumping on the trampoline for a few minutes. Our conversation moved to the tramp. We jumped for a little while, but then ended up sitting on the trampoline while we continued to talk.

Eventually the topic of conversation transitioned to our date 10 days ago and our doorstep scene. It was the funnest conversation I think we've ever had. We actually started talking about our make-out with each other just like we would have talked if it was with someone else.

Not only was it a fun and informative conversation, but it was pretty exciting. We relived the entire doorstep scene. Every single detail. She told me what she was thinking. I told her what I was thinking. We both admitted to being excited to see how the other kissed. We admitted to being horny beyond comprehension. Neither one of us thought it was a bad idea. I told Kristen that if I could go back, I'd try harder to impress her with my super awesome skills. I told her that I was so flustered last Friday that I'd failed to incorporate some of the tips and advice that she'd previously encouraged me to try. Kristen replied with, "You can always try all that stuff next time." I squinted through the darkness to see the look on her face. It wouldn't have surprised me if she was just joking. Kristen is the type of person to do that kind of thing. She wasn't joking. At least her back lit facial expression didn't tell me she was joking. I said, "Maybe we should go inside and you can help me make a paper chain. Then I can rip off a ring everyday until it's time for the "next time'." Kristen inched closer very very subtly and said, "Well, I hope the chain isn't that long."

It seemed so natural. I didn't even hesitate. We were obviously on the same page. I thought Kristen was an amazing kisser the first time we'd kissed. But by comparison... my goodness. We kissed for a really long time. I was able to try out every single thing she'd told me to try. Then I was able to try them again. I noticed several times throughout our four hour make-out session that Kristen was trying out a few of the things I'd mentioned to her. It was like I was making out with a super hot, tan, female version of myself. I had a flashback of trying to make out with the mirror when I was 13 years old and this was so much more fun. It's better when someone beside me is squeezing my butt.

Kristen really got into it. Like, big time. I was flattered that she was so "engaged", but I tried not to let my head get too big, cause she'd told me several times that she had a tendency to get carried away on occasion. Luckily I know as much about Kristen as I do. I was able to reign her in when I needed to, and then do exactly what I needed to do in order to drive her insane again. It was the funnest four hour block of time I've had in the last year. Actually, the first 3.5 hours were the funnest. The last half hour was painful. I was wearing denim jeans and our kissing was so vigorous that I got extremely uncomfortable. Pretty much the worst kind of uncomfortable. I was having so much fun, though, that I didn't realize how uncomfortable I was until this morning. Now it's been 10 hours since our make-out and I'm still in pain. But I'm pretty excited about how things are going. It's still too early to tell.

Calvin

Gaegg Shells

2010-04-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

I put an ad on KSL and Yahoo for some new roommates. Calvin and I have moved things around a bit so that we have a little more space to rent out. I have posted two ads, one for a single room and one for shared rooms. I went to put them up at the Institute of the U of U, but they said I had to be registered at Institute. My singles ward is always plugging Institute, but I'm like, (warning: the following "I'm like" could be construed as a bad attitude towards church. Lucky for the author, church is a hospital for sinners, not a hotel for saints... a hospital that you go to for three hours a week) 'yeah, like I need more Church? or school? No, No I do not... I can barely go to the three hours of Church I do go to. Why would I volunteer for more?'

Anyway, I've been getting some calls and emails about our ads for the rooms. Calvin and I want to be picky about our roommates. You know, we would like guys with LDS standards who have a lot of female friends, but who are slightly less good looking than us and always willing to "jump on a grenade" for us. The reality is setting in that we are likely not going to have choices like that.

I had one guy call who was really interested. He seemed really cool and said that he was looking for a house with LDS standards because he didn't like drinking. He asked me a bunch of other questions and then he said, "I'm gay. Is that a problem?" I honestly don't care if he is gay. Unfortunately, I wasn't prepared for his question.

When he asked me that I thought about that loose tile on our kitchen countertop which I lifted up and took a Sharpie and wrote "Aaron is gay" underneath. Every time new girls come over I ask, "Hey, want to know a secret?" then I would lift up the tile, to which they would laugh, and likely think to themselves, 'Oh Jake, you're so funny.'

One day Nick was over and showed Aaron the tile. Aaron got so mad! He started yelling, "Who wrote this? Who wrote this?" At first we all snickered at his reaction, but when we realized he wasn't joking around, he was really pissed, we all got kind of silent. Aaron wouldn't let it go. He started scrubbing it with bleach and was yelling, "Who wrote this? This is not cool!" He scrubbed but Sharpie's are permanent for a reason. Aaron got more angry at our silence so finally, I fessed up and he didn't talk to me for three whole days.

Luckily Calvin pointed out three or four days later that Aaron's reaction by itself could be proof of his actual gayness. When Aaron heard that, he apologized to me and said he was just having a bad day or something and that he didn't care. Which Calvin pointed out was further proof that Aaron was, in fact, gay.

I thought about that and thought about how much we just tease and make fun of each other in our house. I didn't want anyone moving in who we couldn't harass and, better yet, who couldn't harass us back. I mean Aaron makes fun of me and everyone else just a good as the next guy.

So in response to this gay guy's gay question I said, "No, that's not a problem at all, I mean we're not going to walk on eggshells around you or anything." His response was silence. Uh oh, did I offend him? I said, "I mean we're all buddies and make fun of each other for all sorts of things... true and untrue... you know... so..." The other end of the phone remained silent. I continued to overcompensate, "Like one of the guys who lives here's dad died, and we always tease him about it you know, and it's so funny cause he'll play along... we're just good friends and if you moved in you'd become a friend, as well... and so I just want you to come in to this situation knowing there'd be all manner of mockery." The pause continued. I realized that I was digging a hole and so I stopped talking. After a couple of seconds, I said, "Hello?" I kid you not, he replied, "Well, I never." and then he hung up.

I recognize that my delivery could have been better, but I know that there are cool gay guys out there who can joke around and stuff. This one guy just happened to be a tool. I started to wish I could have handled it better because I figured a cool gay guy might have loads of female friends. I hope another gay guy calls and wants to move in. I'll be better prepared next time.

So, seeing as we are totally anonymous and need to remain that way in order for this blog to live on in awesomeness, I can't very well advertise rooms for rent on our kick A house here on the blog... but if you're looking in the Salt Lake area, try to find the room for rent that has a really funny advert.

Jake

Not Necessarily

2010-04-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

I thought about Kristen a lot last week. I'm sure that's to be expected after our spontaneous vertical make-out session last weekend. A few people have commented on this here blog (and some of my real life acquaintances, as well) that maybe my sudden loss of interest in Mikaela had something to do with Kristen. I don't think that's true. I mean, I know this is Utah and I know that since Kristen and I have a long history of friendship that has recently blossomed into a physical relationship, of sorts, that a lot of people assume that this must be the beginning of my eternal companionship with Kristen... but I don't think that's what's happening here.

I've been so confused lately on what to do with Kristen. For about three days after our date last Friday, I was paranoid that our friendship had been ruined. Every time my phone rang and every time a text message came through, my insides knotted up. Not in excitement. It knotted in nervousness... like I was scared that it was gonna be Kristen wanting to "talk about it". But it never was.

By Tuesday night I started feeling relieved. I felt like enough time had passed that if one of us DID make contact, it wouldn't be awkward. I dunno if I'm explaining myself very well here. If she called me the day after our date, I'd have felt like Kristen thought something was happening between us... and that scared me. But by Wednesday night, my feelings had U-turned. I was wondering all kinds of things that only girls worry about. I wondered if she was mad that I hadn't called. I wondered if she felt stupid and was avoiding me. I wondered if she regretted kissing me. That thought kind of made my stomach hurt. I really didn't want her to regret it, cause I didn't regret it. I still wasn't sure if it was the best idea... but I definitely didn't regret it.

Thursday and Friday were pretty rough. I almost called her a couple of times, but didn't. If I hadn't talked to her for a couple of months before our date last Friday, why would I call her now? I decided I wanted things to stay as "normal" as possible, but the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like the idea. Kristen is such an amazing kisser. She laughs at all my jokes and she has the cutest laugh in the world. She's really funny. She has really tan, smooth, shapely legs. We hate all of the same people. We make fun of our hideous peers... cause they're ugly. Man. I dunno.

By the time yesterday rolled around, I still hadn't heard anything from Kristen. I noticed her status update on Facebook said that she was excited to see her mom and sisters last night. Well, her parents live about five houses away from my parents. I don't remember consciously deciding to "run into" her, but at some point yesterday afternoon I thought of a reason to go to my parents house. I think my subconscious plan was for Kristen to see my truck parked at my parents house, and think, "Hey, that's Calvin's truck. I should text him. Oh, heck. I'll just drop by and see if he wants to go for a walk. But first I'll go tanning." Well, it didn't work out that way. I ended up sitting at my parents house for two hours, periodically wandering into the front yard to make sure Kristen's car was still parked at her parents house.

Finally, at about nine o'clock, I wandered outside and noticed that her car was gone. I totally chickened out. And I totally wasted a Saturday night. And I still haven't talked to her since our date. I'm so effing confused.

Calvin

Ankle Push-ups

2010-04-23T16:24:00.000-07:00

(on the other end of the phone I hear: "...pedicure on our toes, toes, trying on all our clothes, clothes, boys blowing up our phones, phones. Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs, pulling up to the parties, trying to get a little bit tipsy. Don't stop, make it pop, DJ, blow my speakers up! Tonight, I'mma fight 'Til we see the sunlight. Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop----" The song was interrupted by an answer, but it played through my head throughout the conversation, so this post is best read with that song playing in the background.

APRIL: Hello?
JAKE: Um, hi is uh April there.
APRIL: This is April.
JAKE: Oh, nice. Hi. My name is Jake Peter Halifax.

I stole, or rather copied, the full name thing from Calvin. It is solid gold.

APRIL: (laughs) Hi Jake.
JAKE: Hopefully you remember me, my Aunt, your boss, set us up and we talked on the phone a few days ago.
APRIL: I--
JAKE: (cutting her off) and you agreed to go on a date...
APRIL: (laughs) Of course I--
JAKE: (interrupting again) ...tonight... With me.

I always like to pretend like I think that she would actually completely forget who I am. I find that most girls take this as funny and complimentary.

APRIL: (laughs) Oh my gosh, Jake! Of course I remember you. (laughs) How could I forget. Are you calling to cancel for tonight or something?
JAKE: No. NO. Heavens no. I was just sitting here doing some push ups and brushing my teeth and I realized that I have no idea where you live?
APRIL: Oh, the address is 765 South--
JAKE: (interrupts) Oh don't tell me now, I can't very well write down your address while doing push-ups, brushing my teeth and holding my phone.
APRIL: (extra laughter)

Her laughter was a little too much. The good thing about too much laughter is that either she really thinks I am that funny, or she likes me and is willing to help me feel funny when I am not.

JAKE: I know you women think everyone can multi-task like you can, but really, today, I've reached my limit.
APRIL: Oh right. Um... (laughs) I'd like to see how you're doing push-ups with both your hands holding something up to your face.
JAKE: Yeah, I'll show you sometime. But pretty much all of my bodies weight is being held up by my ankles, my toes are touching the floor and my ankles are pushing me up and down freeing up my arms for other important tasks. It's no big thing.
APRIL: (laughs) You must have strong ankles.
JAKE: So I was just calling to see how you wanted to handle me getting to your place. Would you prefer to just text me the address or would you rather give me a general area and then I can call you when I get close and you can guide me in?
APRIL: Oh I can just text you.
JAKE: Are you sure? Because, you know, guiding me in can create some serious bonding and build levels of trust.

I felt I was speaking in a sarcastic enough tone that this was obviously a joke. Even though I've been "guided in" before and it was a pretty nice icebreaker.

APRIL: (laughs) Oh my gosh, if you are being for real this is going to be the worst date ever. (laughs again) You're too funny.
JAKE: (laughs) Um alright then... I guess that means you'll just text me the address then?
APRIL: Oh my gosh, (laughs) Yeah, we can bond some more while we're on the date.
JAKE: Uh, yeah... good idea. Cool. Well, I'll pick you up at 7 then.
APRIL: Cool, see you in a couple hours.

I'm not sure at what point I started calling the girl "the day of" to confirm the date. I think I stole that move from Calvin, too. It always kind of sets the tone and gives me a glimpse into how easy making her laugh is going to be. I find I can't gather this kind of intel on the initial phone call because I'm too nervous and have a hard time being funny.

My aunt gave me her 4 season tickets to a play at Hale theater tonight, just so I could take out this girl she wants me to go out with. So Calvin is gonna bring Kristen or Mikela or Bonnie or something, and we're going to double. What's funny? While I was talking to April I could hear Calvin through the thin door to our room, "...This is Calvin, Calvin Lynn Marler."

You're probably wondering who this girl April is that I am going to take on a dinner/comedy show adventure tonight? Is she the same girl I went out with over the weekend? No, that girls name was Vanessa. She is just some girl that my aunt has been trying to set me up with for a while. I finally decided to go because Claire announced to me that her and Adam (the old wrinkly 30+ plus year old creeper) were dating. She wanted to tell me about their DTR at FHE this week. I cleverly avoided that confession though and decided I had better implement option C.

So, April seems just as good a candidate as anyone. She looks cute on Facebook... that gives her about a 60% chance of actually being cute. Hopefully it'll be fun. Hopefully she doesn't say, "Oh My Gosh." every 5 minutes. Hopefully she doesn't interrupt and ruin one of Calvin's jokes. Hopefully if she's boring the play is good.

And hopefully, either I can fill my crush spot with this new girl... or Claire and Adam the Geezer break up while I'm on this date and she realizes that her true feelings for me are the same as my true feelings for her... and Adam goes and finds someone to date who was at least born in the same decade as him.

Fine I admit it, I am going on a date tonight with April just to try and forget about/get over/stay out of the friend zone with/get back at, Claire.

Everyone's pathetic like this... right?

Jake

Judge Mikaela

2010-04-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

You know how sometimes in a relationship there comes a point where you realize the particular person isn't who you thought they were? It can be a good thing occasionally, but most of the time it's a bad thing. Well, that happened with Mikaela. It really sucks, as well, because I feel like we've developed a really honest and loving relationship over the last few months. I know I've only talked to her four times, but I thought we had a connection. I mean, I don't know anything about her... other than she's hot and she works at Lens Crafters. But she's hot. I enjoy looking at hot women. It's like we were made for each other.

But all that changed today. I got to class a little bit early and the other class hadn't let out yet, so all of the students were hanging out in the hall waiting for the other class to end. I always hate situations like that cause I feel pressure to conversate with my peers. I don't really want to. What are we gonna talk about? The class? Glee? Homework? None of those things interest me. I thought about taking my iPhone earbuds out and putting them in my ears so it appeared as though I was jamming to my sweet tunes. Sometimes I even go so far as to move my lips ever so slightly so it looks like I'm singing along to a really awesome song, when in reality I'm eavesdropping on two or three different conversations.

Before I had a chance to get out my headphones I felt someone touch the back of my arm. It felt really good before I'd even turned around. (Looking back, I'm glad it wasn't a dude touching my arm or else I might have felt dirty) It was Mikaela... and she remembered my name. "Hey, Calvin." It was an awkward conversation... so for me it was pretty normal. I didn't have time to prepare at all for it and I felt like I was floundering. I was paying way too much attention to how I was standing. I was erect (as in 'vertical'), but leaning up against the wall on my right shoulder. I had on both of the straps on my backpack. I wondered if she thought that was weird. I glanced around quickly to see if other guys had on both of their shoulder straps. Every male in a 20 foot radius was either sitting down on the floor or holding their backpack in their hand.

I thought briefly about my mission. That was why I used both shoulder straps. With all the walking we had to do, it was definitely the most comfortable way to travel. Apparently I had subconsciously chosen to sacrifice "cool points" for comfort. Then I saw a kid come around the corner and I immediately noticed he was wearing both of his shoulder straps just like I was. I felt some of the tension leave my upper torso and I immediately felt better about my posture and my outward physical appearance. Then I noticed that the "two strap" kid had a tube coming out of his backpack emptying into his mouth. The kid was wearing one of those freakin' camel water pack thingies... walking around the Social Science building. I'd had an experience with all of the stairs previously, but a camel backpack? Really? I decided I didn't want to be anything like that kid.

As I was contemplating how I could subtly slide one of the shoulder straps off without looking too much like I was trying to be hip, I remembered that I was supposed to be engaged in flirtatious banter with Mikaela. I had been talking to her for a couple of minutes and I could barely remember what we'd been talking about. Then I heard her say, "You should totally come. Have you been to very many raves?" I kind of remembered her talking about going to a rave, but didn't think much about it because of my stupid obsession with my backpack straps.

"Um, no. I've never been to a rave? Are they fun?" Mikaela started telling me about how awesome they are, but I was thinking, "Rave? They still have raves? What year is this?" The only thing I know about raves is that people sell balloons full of dentist gas or something. And I'm pretty sure there are rock bands. Also, I've always thought raves were like one huge drugged up mosh pit. And I'm also pretty sure that people get hurt when they go to raves.

Instead of asking Mikaela if all of my preconceived notions were correct, I just silently judged her. I let her talk about how awesome raves were for a few minutes while I decided she wasn't Mormon and probably did drugs and slept with random guys while at her Happy Gas Rave Parties.

I don't like her anymore.

-Calvin

She Started It

2010-04-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

We went on a group date last Friday. Just the roomies (I guess Nick still counts even though he moved out and still owes us money). I totally spaced it for some reason and didn't remember until Jake reminded me at about three o'clock Friday afternoon. I told Jake that I had forgotten. Jake, of course, said, "It's not too late, dude. Man up and call somebody." This command was particularly humorous because Jake was telling me to do something that he would never do himself... and attempting to mock me for my lack of testicular fortitude. I told Jake and Aaron (Nick was there, but I'm giving him the silent treatment) that it was too late to find a date and no girl in her right mind would accept a date invitation on such short notice, because that would mean she'd be admitting to having no plans on a Friday night and must therefore be a loser.

Then Aaron suggested I ask out Kristen. I realize I haven't mentioned Kristen before. Jake and I were talking the other day about how many people play huge parts in our lives, but never make it into our blog. Kristen is one of these people. She's been my friend since high school and she still makes a special effort to keep in touch with me. I'm glad she goes out of her way because if she didn't, I'm sure we'd have lost touch by now. I'm lazy and luckily, Kristen knows that, so she assumes most of the responsibility in keeping our friendship alive. I love her for that.

In high school, Kristen and I purposely went to registration together just before our senior year started. We wanted our lockers next to each other because we were such good friends. We'd hang out all the time. I'd talk to her about the girls I happen to be dating and she'd talk to me about the guys she was dating. We'd even discuss physical intimacy with each other. I've always been secretly jealous of the guys she was involved with. She'd tell me about her horizontal make-outs. We'd laugh and compare notes. Interestingly enough, I credit her for most of my sexual prowess even though our relationship has always been strictly platonic. She taught me so much about women and kissing and flirting... it was awesome.

She used to come over to my house at night during the summer. I'd answer the door and see her standing there wearing a tank top and shorts. She's adorable. I knew why she was there, but I'd always wait for her to ask, "Hey, Calvin. Wanna go for a walk?" We'd walk around for a long time, just talking and laughing. She always smelled like a tanning bed. A lot of people don't like that smell. I loved it. We hugged a lot. At school. At home. At church. She was (and still is) my only real female friend. I don't do well with female friends. I don't think very many (straight) guys do. It just seems like no matter how innocent the relationship is, the guy always ruins it cause he's horny. I've always been able to control myself around Kristen. I'm not sure how, but I've always been nervous to make any kind of move and risk destroying our friendship. But every time Kristen tells me a story about a guy she's dating, I get a little bit jealous, but I would never ever tell her that. I just listen to her laugh and I admire her tan legs and flip flops and think, "I'll bet she's such an amazing kisser. How could she NOT be?"

So on Friday night Aaron suggested I ask Kristen to come on the date that I had forgotten about. It was a pretty good plan. If she didn't have anything else to do, she wouldn't be ashamed to admit it. I was sure we'd have a blast. We always had fun together. So I called her. I had no idea if she was even dating anyone. It had been about a month since we'd last spoken. "Of course, Calvin. I'd love to go out with you." I didn't even feel like I needed to say, "you know... just as friends." She knew it and I knew it.

The date went really well. Kristen and I were talking and laughing like we always do. Something felt a little different, though, and I still can't put my finger on it. It's possible that the fact that we were on an official "date" had some sort of effect on our attitudes, but that seems so unlikely. I just noticed that we were looking at each other differently. Not uncomfortable at all... just different. It didn't affect our chemistry or our behavior. Something was just... not the same. Not good or bad. Just different.

While we were sitting and waiting for the show to start, I glanced over at Kristen's legs. She was wearing shorts (since it was over 50 degrees) and her feet were on the seat in front of her. Her smooth, tan legs were propped up at a very attractive angle and we continued to talk about anything and everything. As we bantered, I remembered her saying several times about how her legs were her "weakness". Like, it turned her on... a lot... if a guy touched her legs. During one of our many topics of conversation, I reached over and said, "So does it still drive you crazy if a guy touches your leg?" and I gently placed my hand just above her knee. Kristen started laughing like I was tickling her. She grabbed my hand and moved it off of her leg as she laughed, "Yes, it does. A lot." I started laughing as I looked down at her leg and said, "Oh, Kristen, you have a hair or something on your leg right there. Let me brush it off." I reached over and rubbed her leg gently as though I was brushing a hair off of her leg. She still laughed, but it was more of a giggle. She made no effort to remove my hand from her leg. She just giggle quietly and watched my hand brush her leg. Then I started feeling pretty uncomfortable. Mostly because I was expecting her to hit my hand away again. Then the show started.

There was no hand-holding or arm-over-shoulder action. It would have been extremely awkward since we were friends... and nothing else.

Dinner was normal. Conversation was shared with the rest of the group. I still sensed something was different with Kristen, but it was almost impossible to notice. It was there, though.

When I walked her up to her door, I felt like our parting hug should have been like the hundreds of other hugs we've shared. But it wasn't. It lasted longer than usual. We were talking to each other while hugging. I was pretty sure we hadn't done that before. I told her how much fun I'd had. Kristen agreed. But neither one of us were very quick to break away from the hug. I started to wonder if she was giving me a Greenlight. I decided I'd move out of the hug slowly and see how she reacted.

As I slowly pulled out of the hug, Kristen stayed close. So close, in fact, that I stopped moving out when I noticed we were cheek-to-cheek. I knew what was happening. I'm sure Kristen did, as well. We kept hugging for maybe 20 more seconds with our cheeks touching. No talking. No whispering. Just hugging and thinking. Thinking about what we were about ready to do. Thinking about whether or not it was a good idea. Thinking about how things were gonna change. Actually, I'm sure that's what Kristen was thinking. I was thinking, "I hope she's as good as I think she's gonna be."

She was.

Calvin

Shabby Apples not too Shabby Winner

2010-04-17T18:06:00.000-07:00

Jake says, "Hey Dude. It's midnight." Calvin replies, "Yeah?" Jake says, "We have to go see who the winner is of our Shabby Apple thing." Calvin says, "Oh Yeah." They skip in unison down the hall to the computer. Luckily their roommates are downstairs. Jake says, "Oh, look, three more entry's in the last 5 minutes. That puts the total at 122 comments... Cool, so now what?" Calvin looks puzzled, "I don't know." Jake responds, "I thought this was your thing dude... didn't you say that there was some internet site that picks a winner from the comments for us?" Calvin, "Well yeah I said that, but only because I assume that's true, I mean it's 2010. There are satellites that can check your temperature from space... surely there is a random blog comment picker thingy."

Jake says, "Well maybe we can write down each name that made a valid entry and--" Calvin cuts him off, "You want to write 122 names down? Why don't we just pick one?" Jake, "That doesn't seem very fair. We would just pick the person who wrote the most complimentary post about us... people would know." Calvin says, "Yeah, true, but then next time we do a giveaway they would write more complimentary posts." Jake laughing, "I would say yes lets do that, but if Claire ever found out I wrote this blog I'd get some 'honest in your dealings with your fellowmen' lecture." Calvin laughs and says, "Just go to Busy Bee's blog or Amy Crisp's blog and see how they do it?" Jake types into Google "random giveaway selecter." Calvin says, "It's o-r."

Jake says, "Here we go. Random.org. We just enter the number of comments into this calculator and then hit this 'generate' button. Calvin asks, "And then count to that comment?" Jake says, "Yep." Jake and Calvin look at each other. Jake says, "Should I do it?" Calvin replies, "Maybe we should do it together." Jake smiles, "Okay, but the 'enter' button is wide enough that we don't have to actually touch fingers." Calvin says, "Alright... that's a good idea."

The pair gently put their fingers on the Enter button. Calvin brushes Jakes finger accidentally. Jake lurches back like he just touch the burner on the stove! Calvin says, "Sorry dude." Jake replies, "It's okay... It wasn't as bad as I thought." They put their fingers back on the button. Jake says, "Ready?" Calvin's finger slowly slides over and touches Jakes. Calvin says, "Yep."

The press enter and the number is '119'.

Calvin says, "I got to run to the bathroom, want to see who that is?" Jake nods and is already counting. Calvin leaves, goes pee, and returns to find Jake still counting. Calvin asks, "Did you find it yet?" Jake says, "No. You know how long it's been since I counted over 100? I keep losing my place." Calvin laughs, "Dude, there are 122 comments. Count backwards by three." Jake hangs his head and groans at his stupidity.

Calvin finds the 119th comment and says, "That's not a valid entry." Jake says, "Why not?" Calvin replies, "Well, they didn't tweet, blog or facebook about us. That was the only way to enter." Jake says, "Yeah those are the rules. So should we just pick another number?" Calvin says, "Yeah, I mean it's true that Kaylee Horsnby is a total hottie, but hottness unfortunately isn't a qualifying factor." Jake says, "We should make it one next time." Calvin replies, "Yes, we definitely should."

Jake and Calvin push the button again. 112. Jake says, "Dang, I loved that comment... I wish that was a valid entry." Calvin laughs, "Oh yeah someone else offended by the word 'gay'." Jake says, "You mean 'gay', like, light-hearted fancy free, mothers lock up your daughters, Calvin's on the town?" Calvin says, "No dude I meant 'gay' like homosexual, like two guys picking out a dress for a girl and gingerly giving it away." Jake laughs, "Dude that's what they were saying was offensive. You're just going to make them madder." Calvin says, "I don't care man, she probably wants me to say 'lame' because she hates gimps and thinks gays are better than gimps. Seriously, I'll just let Nikki get on here and defend us. One time, she made one of the best posts I ever read about people getting so easily offended... maybe it was a comment... Anyway, this conversation is getting gay, lets move on."

They pause for a second with their fingers touching on the enter key again. Jake asks, "There were some valid entries weren't there?" Calvin nods in affirmation. They press the button. 30. Calvin says, "Think you can make it to 30, dude." Jake ignores him and counts. Jake exclaims, "What the crap! Another invalid entry. Were our rules not clear?" Calvin replies, "No dude they were pretty clear." Jake says, "Well next time, as well as adding 'hot' to the list we need to make people that point out how smart we actually are qualify. I mean, I think she deserves it." Calvin says, "Then the first chick deserves it too, or her friend at least." Jake replies, "Touche, lets keep it fair, this dress belongs on a rule follower right?" Calvin answers, "Right." and puts his finger back on the Enter key.

Jake joins him, and again they push the button. Jake says "Number 13, please be valid this post is getting hella long." Calvin says, "Like all your posts." Jake says, "I... yeah... I have no defense." Jake finishes counting and says, "There we go dude, says she made a blog post about us." Calvin says, "Sweet, I was getting bored." Jake looks at the blog and says, "Uh, I think we have a problem..." Calvin looks at the screen, "What?" Jake sighs, "This isn't a girl... it's a guy." Calvin says, "What?" Jake says, "He's a dude." Calvin says, "We can't give a dress to a dude." Jake replies, "His entry is 100% valid though. I mean he wrote a blog post about us, made the comment, got his comment drawn and everything." Calvin shakes his head, "We have 121 girls that want that dress and some guy comes along and is going to win it?" Jake says, "Fair is fair man." Calvin replies, "Yeah." Jake says, "So... the winner is uh... PUMMELHEAD." Calvin says, "I wonder which of the three girls he mentions in his comment he's going to give the dress to?" Jake says, "I don't know, but he should see what they're willing to do for it." Calvin says, "Yeah, you know he doesn't even have to give it to one of them. He can use it as leverage to make out with half the readers of our blog." Jake says, "In a Mormon appropriate way of course?" Calvin replies, "Of course."

Check out pummelheads blog here. He affectionately refers to himself as J-dizzle (which probably means he has an awesome name like Jason or something), and his blog, or rather, his guide to awesomeness can have you making new friends and finding adventure in the World of Warcraft (even though that's not all he blogs about he just likes it.)

Enjoy your dress buddy, and I mean that!

Jake

Calvin says, "Oh, look dude he left another comment later saying he was going to give it to his sister if he won." Jake says, "That's no good, he can't very well smooch his sister... We should tell him to delete that comment so he can get a snog or two out of it." Calvin says, "We should." Calvin and Jake say in unison, "Hey J-Dizzle, delete your second comment before your sister sees it and see if you can use the dress to score a snog or two."

Additional note: To the three sad souls who would've won had their comment been a valid entry in our giveaway. Send us an email, and we will send you your very own Mormon Bachelor Pad T-Shirt, cause we feel bad for laughing at how much you're probably hitting your head against the wall right now.

Elude and Avoid are Synonyms

2010-04-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

I've got a very healthy hamster in a wheel in my head, and the little bastard just won't stop running. What am I going to do with Claire? Here's the thing, I can't compete with how funny Calvin consistently is in his blog posts... so today I'm going to just jot down some serious, not-so-manly thoughts on Claire and my current chick turmoil.

Claire sent me a text last night, "Where have you been?" It's not so much that I have been avoiding her... I have just been eluding her. She started dating Adam. I like her, and I didn't do anything about it and now I am stuck with an effing hamster in my head. I am feeling tortured... let me see if I can elaborate.

For almost the last month Claire and I have been seeing each other everyday till Adam came along. We would sit in her apartment and talk late into the night about everything. I told her all my deep dark secrets, and she shared hers with me... even though they didn't really compare. Sometimes we would talk about music and TV shows. Other times we would talk about the scriptures and General Conference. Some nights we talked about love and family and all the things that are important to us in life.

I really like Claire. I worry that because of my post about our differing attitudes towards Sabbath observance that some readers might think she isn't amazing. She is amazing. Even amazing people can be a little self righteous sometimes. I'm not perfect so she needn't be. I feel like there is this connection. I think about marriage and eternal family all the time. I am looking for someone who I can talk to and want to spend so much time with.

I look back over the last year since I got back from my mission and realize that I felt a similar connection with Andrea (which I screwed up) and Sanders (which I screwed up). The only difference here that I can see is that, so far, I haven't "got" Claire. I recognize it's all my fault, I never even tried. Now I think anything I do will look insincere, forced, and that she'll just brush me off because she doesn't feel the same. I am tormenting myself.

I'm trying to look at my options logically.

A) I can just go to her and tell her how I feel. That would be the "movie" thing to do... but what about Adam? He's a really cool guy. He sees the same sweet, sexy, awesomeness that I see in Claire. I wouldn't want some DB coming up to a girl I'm dating and confessing his undying love... besides, it's not like it's undying... or, love. What happens when she says okay, Adam hates me and then we date for a month and after I "got" her, my intensity fades and I blow it like I did with Andrea and Sanders? No I don't like this option, it breaks the Golden Rule in too many different ways.

B) I can just try and continue cultivating the friendship that we started. Set aside my feelings until either she marries Adam or they break up. I can't honestly say however that I could put my feelings aside. I would no doubt shroud my feelings in a guise of friendship that seethed with ulterior motives. That just seems like a more cowardly version of option A, so I don't like that.

C) I can walk away and try to just meet someone else. I would have to walk away to do this because every time I am with her I go crazy. Every time I know I am going to see her I analyze my actions and what they are "saying" to the point of insanity. I wish I could just be happy for her and Adam, but I'm not. I'm jealous. I'm covetous. I can't be around her until I find another crush of greater or equal value... or until my feelings for her fade. It seems that this is the better and only real option I have.

I text her back, "I've just been busy."
She texts, "I miss our talks. I need one of our talks."
JAKE: "Yeah, lets get together one of these nights."
CLAIRE: "What about tonight?"
JAKE: "What about Adam?"
CLAIRE: "What about him? He knows that we're friends."
JAKE: "I would think it was a little weird if I were him."
CLAIRE: "Don't worry about it. He thinks you're awesome."
JAKE: "I am awesome."
CLAIRE: "You are... so talkie?"

I thought about my date last Friday night with Vanessa. She was cute but she wasn't for me. A little to ditsy. At dinner, Calvin was telling a joke to the group. Calvin is saying, "A guy is standing outside a bar and he sees his friend walking up the street all drunk and swaying. Just then a Nun walks by and as she passes the drunk, without provocation he gives the Nun a crazy insane Wii boxing upper cut so hard he must have shattered her nose into a thousand pieces, then before she falls backwards to the ground he gives her 3 or 4 swift punches to the kidneys, another right hook to the face, she falls to the ground and he drops his elbow into her esophagus, and then the drunk starts kicking her while she's on the ground. Then..." Vanessa interrupts and says, "Is this the Batman joke?" with a kind of a disgusted look on her face.

Calvin was stunned. The whole table sat there hanging on his next words. He sat there and looked at her with his jaw dropped. "Really?" he said frustrated. "Really? Did you really just ask the punch line a second before I was about to deliver it?" Vanessa didn't look guilty or apologetic. It was as though she couldn't see how she just destroyed Calvin's night. She said, "I heard it before it's not that funny, I think it's gross." Calvin's date begged him to continue but he didn't want to... the joke had been ruined. Calvin finally, defeated said, "Yeah, so the drunk was kicking the nun while she was on the ground and when his friend got their to pull him off her the drunk says, 'Not so tough are you, Batman." The table laughed but it was all courtesy. On the drive home Vanessa proceeded to defend herself and talk about how my best friend was too sensitive. I sided with Calvin. It sucked and the whole date I just thought, I wish Vanessa was Claire.

So I text Claire back, "I'll be over in 20."
She replied, "Yay!"

I got there and we talked. It was great. I avoided talking about Adam too much, and Claire did her thing where she made me feel like the most important most special person in the world. So, I threw logic out the window... but, just that once. I still think I need to implement option C and just walk away.

But Claire would never ruin one of Calvin' jokes... I'm screwed aren't I?

Jake

Misogynist

2010-04-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

I've heard this word more in the last couple of months than I ever have in my life. I'll be honest. I had to look it up the first time it was used in a comment on our blog. Up until I accessed Dictionary.com, whenever I heard the word I would think, "What is a Nist... and why does everyone want to massage it so badly?" I thought about dedicating an entire post to addressing each individual concern that was brought up after my Calvin's Deal Breakers post (and I still might), but I decided instead to just make fun of everyone who used the word "misogynist" to describe Jake and I.

When I had to give my first talk in Sacrament Meeting when I was nine years old, I remember my dad telling me that a lot of people read definitions from the dictionary as part of their talk. He suggested it might be a good idea and it would burn seconds from my talk that I wouldn't have to fill with meaningful material. I considered it, but ultimately decided against it. At the age of nine I remember feeling like reading a definition from a dictionary seemed so juvenile. Now, I chuckle to myself when I see my peers reading definitions at the pulpit. Really, guys? You think I actually care what Merriam Webster says about the word "testimony"? C'mon! Put a little thought into your talk for goodness sake.

I'm going against my own sound judgment right now, but I really have no choice. I've looked a lot of places for a definition of "misogynist" that actually describes me or anything I've typed. Some of you might think you actually know the definition... which would explain your ignorance in using the word so frequently. "Hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women". That's the definition. Everyone who thinks our blog is embracing, condoning, or encouraging misogynist ideals is an idiot. The only time a misogynist thought has ever even entered my head was when I was reading through the blog comments. I can't even tell you how often I whispered to myself, "How can people be so stupid?"

I found my answer to that question. People just like to be offended. People look for reasons to be pissed. For example, I could have typed a three paragraph disclaimer and then typed the following sentence: Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. Followed immediately by another paragraph explanation of what that sentence means. But still the majority of people would conveniently skip everything except that one single sentence. And because their defenses are up and they're looking for a reason to be offended, they probably wouldn't notice or even care that the bold sentence is a direct quote from The Family: A Proclamation to the World.

Sure, everyone wants to expound on what they think this sentence means. They want to say, "Oh but what about [blah blah blah]" or "But you skipped the part where it says [blah blah blah]". But I ask you, does any additional explanation or background make that sentence any less true? No it does not. It might help others to understand more fully what our church leaders are trying to say, but the sentence BY ITSELF is still true no matter how much detail you pack around it. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.

Are there exceptions to this rule? Of course there are. But when God commanded "Thou shalt not kill" he also made a few exceptions to that rule as well, didn't He? "Thou shalt not kill... unless you're defending your family... or maybe if I ask you to lop someone's head off or something."

What saddens me the most is the alarming number of women who think they are an exception to this counsel. They have chosen to live a lifestyle that requires two incomes and they use their current financial situation as an excuse to give their children to a babysitter or daycare center all day long. "Well, I have to work in order to provide for my family." Oh really? Do you have cable? Do you drive new(er) vehicles? Do you buy name-brand cereal? Guess what, sister? Being home with your kids is more important than having the Disney Channel and a flat screen TV. And it ALWAYS WILL BE. How about you move into a cheaper house, sell one of your cars, buy a bus pass, and shop at Deseret Industries so you can raise your own children and not ditch them with someone else.

I'm not going to bother going through all of the exceptions to the Church's policy. I hope things like "single mothers" and "disabled fathers" are situations I don't need to delve into. But I'm sure there will be some morons who try to make that argument in their comment.

So feel free to leave a three paragraph comment (that we actually DO read) and tell me how wrong I am and how right you are. Please. I can't wait.

Calvin

"You were not created to be the same as men. Your natural attributes, affections, and personalities are entirely different from these of a man. They consist of faithfulness, benevolence, kindness, and charity. They also balance the more aggressive and competitive nature of man. The business world is competitive and sometimes ruthless. We do not doubt that women have both the brain power and the skills to compete with men. But by competing they must of necessity, become aggressive and competitive. Thus their godly attributes are diminished and they acquire a quality of sameness with man. The conventional wisdom of the day would have you be equal with men. We say, we would not have you descend to that level."

-President Ezra Taft Benson

Brigham The Cannibal

2010-04-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

I've been debating for a couple of days if I should tell this story. I decided that since this entire tale stems from an honest mistake on my part, I could tell it without feeling guilty. I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone forgets things. Everyone has forgotten to feed a goldfish and woken up to see their fish belly-up. It's a part of life, right?

So remember a while back, I purchased a pet mouse on a whim? Remember how I didn't just stop at buying one mouse, but I wanted to make it into a funny joke so I bought my male mouse, Brigham, three mouse wives he could enjoy? Well, if you remember the end of the story, then you recall the cage started to stink so I moved Brigham and his family out to the garage. Unfortunately, that's not where Brigham's story ends. That's where it begins.

See, I haven't thought about Brigham for several months. I'm not sure how or why. He just slipped my mind. Nobody really went out to the garage during the winter. So Brigham and his concubines have been on a table behind a Tombstone movie poster for the entire winter.

If somebody had asked me last week what would happen to four mice left unattended in a cage for four months, I probably would have said, "They'd die, of course, cause they wouldn't have any water." Well, I guess water isn't a requirement during the colder months. When I got home from work the other day, Jake was giddy with excitement. He said to me, "Calvin... you have to come see this." I followed Jake out to the garage. As we entered, Jake motioned to the table near the back of the garage with a huge smile on his face. At first, I wasn't sure what he was motioning to. Then I saw the cage. I still didn't think about Brigham until I saw the movement. The closest thing I can compare it to is that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indiana Jones looks down into that pit and the guy with him says, "Why does the ground move?" Then Indy drops the torch down into the pit and sees the floor completely covered in snakes. He rolls onto his back, looks up at the sky and says, "Snakes! Why does it have to be snakes?"

That's what it looked like. Not snakes. I just mean the movement. The tank was about 1/3 of the way full of a black, white, tan, brown, and beige moving mass. Jake started laughing as I walked slowly toward the tank. There were at least 100 mice in the tank literally crawling all over each other. Some babies were scattered around, but most of them were adults. At least three to four inches at the bottom of the tank was mouse pee and poo. It was honestly the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. I noticed a couple scraps of paper inside the tank. I asked, "What's that?" Jake replied, "I popped a bag of popcorn and dropped the whole bag in there about 5 minutes ago. That's all that's left." It was the craziest thing I've ever seen.

The best way to conclude this post is to answer the questions you're probably dying to ask right now. So here you go.

So how did the mice live for four months without food or water?

The only thing I can think is that they survived by eating the babies and maybe the mice that die from some other reason like getting trampled or starvation.

How can four mice turn into over 100 in just four months?

I asked the same question. Apparently mice are only pregnant for 20 days and have between 2 to 10 babies. They can then get impregnated in 24 hours. So, if each of the three females had a litter of 5 babies every 20 days, that would be 6 liters (or 30 mice) for each of the three females... totaling 90 mice in four months. But then you have to consider that each baby (that isn't devoured) will be able to reproduce at four weeks of age. I don't even know how many mice that makes, but it's a lot.

So wait, Calvin. Based on the numbers in your last answer, there should be, like, a thousand mice in that cage. It should be over-flowing with the little critters.

That's true. And even though that wasn't an actual question, I'll address it anyway. Like I said, the mice had to eat. I can only assume the vast majority of the babies never made it to adulthood cause they were getting eaten by the rest of the mice. I think they were probably half eaten by the time they exited their mother's womb. But that can't be confirmed.

So in closing, I'm not proud of the miserable existence these mice have suffered at the hands of their neglectful owner. I'll make sure the mice are able to live out their lives in the most pleasant of environments. Just as soon as I'm brave enough to lift up the cage.

Calvin

Claire-ify vs Justify

2010-04-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

On Saturday night a big group of us went down to Provo for some girls birthday party. She was Claire's friend and Claire promised that there would be lots of fresh tail there for us to chase. Of course I should have known that a cute girl having a birthday party is like when the Elders Quorum decides to go paint-balling... lots of dudes all on the prowl, ready to shoot other dudes in the back.

I hung around Claire and Stephanie most of the night. They said they weren't too fond of Zoobies anyway.

Around 11:30, Claire says she needs to run to the store and asks if I want to come. I say yes of course and figure I might be able to see if she knows what everyone-else-I-talk-to-about-her-besides-her-thinks-she-knows, which I am still too chicken to just admit. On the way, she is explaining what she needs to buy for something that she was cooking the next day. I started wondering at what point I was going to get invited when Claire starts explaining how she was nervous that she wouldn't be able to find some certain spice brand that she had only been able to find at the Smiths in Murray.

I reminded her that it was open 24 hours and that we could stop by on the way home. She gave me a disappointed look and said in her disappointed voice, "We'll never make it by midnight, Jake." I looked at the clock in the car and it was 11:37pm. It suddenly dawned on me that Claire wanted to go to the store right now so that she could avoid breaking the Sabbath.

As much as I like Claire, we don't see eye to eye on everything. I usually just let what I feel to be self-righteousness go, but for some reason I decided this would be a good one to discuss.

I asked, "What are you going to do if we don't make it in time?" She looked at me, "Have a prayer in your heart, Jake. We can make it." I laughed and remembered when I was on my mission and my companion and I would bless the the grocery store as we drove by so that all of the food we bought from there would be blessed... just in case we got so incredibly hungry that we forgot (which happened frequently) to bless the food... I was about to tell Claire that story when she asked me, "Don't you think keeping the Sabbath Day holy is pretty serious?"

I replied, "Of course. I guess I've just always done it a little differently than you." She responded with, "I didn't know there was 'differently' when it came to commandments." I wanted to laugh... however, in past conversations where Claire and I talk about spiritual things, Claire will automatically dismiss my entire point of view no matter how valid, upon the basis that I am not taking the discussion seriously - as evidenced by my laughter. So I didn't laugh, I just said, "I have always considered the 'end of the day' to be the time that I go to bed and the 'beginning of the day' the time that I wake up. So if I go to bed at 2am Saturday night, that is still Saturday, not the Sabbath day."

Claire smiled, for once she was driving so I got to watch her reactions instead of our usual other way around. She said, "Sounds like justification." I replied, "No. I am very good at justification, and this is not it." She said, "You said, '2am Saturday night' but what day is that actually?" I answered, "Well, 2am is Sunday." She said, "Right and Sunday is the Sabbath Day, right?"

"I know what you're saying Claire. I'm not saying the way you have chosen to practice is wrong. I just wonder if you can see what I am saying." She said, "I know what you're saying Jake. I'm just telling you that sounds wrong to me." I asked, "Why?" She said, "Even the way you said it, '2am Saturday' instead of 2am Sunday and 'not the Sabbath day' even though... no matter what... Sunday is Sunday. You're changing it to suit you."

I grinned. 'Ah, semantics...' I thought, nice move Claire. I said, "I said it that way so you would understand what I was saying, not because I need 2am to be on a Saturday or a Sunday, either way it doesn't change a thing." She looked at me smugly. I explained further, "It's a matter of consistency. If I decide that the 'day' starts and stops when I wake and go to sleep, then that doesn't mean that on Sunday night at 12:01am that I can run out to the store and pick up some grapes because, to me, it is still the Sabbath Day."

She said, "Some of the best times are on Sunday nights at midnight. Denny's or Ice Cream at midnight." I said, "Well okay, but I feel like that would be trivializing my observance of the Sabbath day. More so than continuing my 'fun times' after midnight on Saturday." Claire smiled again, she looked at me like my teachers used to when they thought they knew better. She said, "You need to figure out how your talent for justifying can be used for good, or you need to hide it under a bushel."

I couldn't help it and I finally laughed. Claire honestly thought that I was just spinning the commandment the way that best suited me. I swear though, on a stack of Book of Mormons that I really think that the way I do it is completely legitimate. That one time, when I told my Greenie on my mission that playing Mario Brothers all day at a less-actives house was quality "Building Relationships of Trust" time, now, that was justifying.

Claire says, "So you're joking?" I said, "No Claire, I am not joking." Claire, "Why did you laugh?" I said, "Because for being one of my favorite people, I am astounded at how narrow your viewpoint is sometimes." She said, "Making fun of someone right after justifying sin? Nice one Alma the Younger."

I laughed again, "Sin?" She was getting irritated, but I didn't care. "Maybe its because you're so young -" She interrupted, "You're only 22, dork." I responded, "Yeah, well I guess it takes three years to learn." Claire seldom got mad at me, but she said, "Now you're just being a jerk."

I asked, "You think that because I have no problems shopping after midnight on Saturday until I go to sleep, but won't go out to eat after midnight on Sunday night that I am sinning? Should I give my Temple recommend back or what?" She didn't respond. I said, "I'm just saying that the Sabbath day is one of those things that you do the way it feels right."

We pulled into the parking lot of the Smiths in Provo. She said, "I think we need to agree to disagree and talk about something else." I said, "Agreed."

We walked into the Smiths and I couldn't believe my eyes... It was busier than a Saturday afternoon in that grocery store. Not just a regular Saturday afternoon, but a Saturday afternoon on a holiday where they might be giving away plasma TV's that vacuum your floor silently while cooking flapjacks. It was insane! Nearly every register was open and the lines were unbelievably long.

Claire smugly said, "Isn't it neat to see all these members of the Church trying to keep the Sabbath Day holy?"

I looked around in awe, I responded, "Yeah. Neat. ...I should start a Denny's that's only open at Midnight on Sunday, I'll make a fortune."

Perhaps I am the one bad Sabbath day observer in Mormondom... perhaps.

Jake

First Giveaway

2010-04-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

Jake and I have struggled with the idea of doing a "Giveaway". It seemed so gay and desperate. We've been approached by a few people recently asking us to do a giveaway on one of their products. It took some convincing. First of all, Jake and I wanted to know how a Giveaway would actually benefit us (selfish, I know). I mean, sure, we're plugging a business and pretty much telling everyone who reads our blog to patronize their service... but that seemed so one-sided. I mean, it's like those insects who lay eggs in the ears of bats. The eggs hatch and the bat loses it's hearing in that particular ear. That poor bat doesn't seem to get much from that relationship, does it? That's how we felt about the idea of "giveaways".

In addition, Jake and I have been the recipients of a significant amount of criticism lately. Our most convincing defense has always been, "But our primary objective is to entertain. Notice how we have no advertisements and we never do those lame 'giveaways'?" Well, Jake and I are now both enjoying a double serving of crow and it's super delicious.

Ultimately, we decided to give back to our wonderful readers, most of whom are females between the ages of 20 and 25. I've noticed recently on Twitter and Facebook that several of our "friends" (who simultaneously hate us) have mentioned the idea of buying a dress from Shabby Apple. As we all know, Shabby Apple is a return to what dresses were always meant to be - a one-piece outfit. No need to add anything... no tank tops, no cardigans, nothing (except accessories, of course!).

Enough beating around the bush. Jake and I decided on a beautiful dress to giveaway, all thanks to Shabby Apple, who are proud to offer you fantastic dresses that allow you to look fabulous, without having to compromise anything else. Ready to see the beauty we picked out for you to own... all to yourself? Can't you just imagine this gorgeous dress hanging in your closet, waiting for that special occasion? Maybe it's the date where you expect the guy you've been dating for two weeks to propose to you. Or maybe it's the special occasion when that "certain someone" invites you to go ice-blocking. It doesn't matter what you do with your prospective eternal companion, you'll look great doing it.

This dress is called Five to Nine and it was by far our favorite dress. I'll admit... Jake and I struggled to pick out the hottest dress instead of the hottest model. It was rough. In fact, we both starting laughing virtually at the same time when we looked at each other while perusing the website and saw each other clicking through the dresses with our thumb over the face of the model in the photos. We did our best to pick the awesomest dress, not necessarily the hottest model.

As luck would have it, however, this dress just happens to be wrapped around the hottest of the Shabby Apple models. Yowza! And seriously, the library backdrop screams "intellectual" which is such a turn on. The librarian fantasy is up there with Princess Leia or identical twins. These guys really know how to sell dresses.

Right about now you're probably asking yourself, "Calvin! Please tell me how I can win the most modest, yet sexy dress I've ever seen in my life." Before I tell you how to enter, let me explain a thing or two about the process.

Jake and I are very aware that a large number of our readers don't tell anyone that they read our blog. They either hate us or pretend to hate us and they don't want the world to know they read our blog. We understand that... so we don't care if you follow our blog. We don't want to embarrass you by telling you that you must follow our blog in order to win this dress. Plus, I have no doubt that a lot of you would promptly "unfollow" us as soon as the giveaway was over. So don't waste your time.

We'll be randomly drawing a winner from the comments. So you'll need to comment in order to win. However, the only way to officially enter to win this beautiful dress is to do one (or all) of the following:

1) Tweet about our blog and/or this giveaway... positive or negative, we don't care.*
2) Facebook about our blog and/or this giveaway, positive or negative, we don't care.*
3) Blog about our blog and/or this giveaway, positive or negative, we don't care.*

You'll need to comment separately for each one of these so we have a proper number of entries for each person. Keep in mind, we will check the validity of whichever comment is randomly chosen.

If leaving a comment on MBP would embarrass you too greatly, feel free to delete your comment(s) when the giveaway is complete. That way there will be no evidence that you read and enjoy our blog. We will be accepting entries until Thursday, April 15th, at midnight. The winner will be announced on the 17th.

As an additional bonus, Shabby Apple has agreed to give all of our readers a 10% discount for a limited time. So... if you can't wait for your spiritually attractive and Stake Conference approved Shabby Apple dress, then you can order it at a discounted price by using "bachelorpad10off" as your coupon code.

Good luck.

Calvin

*Example of negative Tweet/FB/Blog: Apparently the douchebags at MBP have finally sold out and are doing a giveaway. What a bunch of desperate tools.

*Example of positive Tweet/FB/Blog: Not only is MBP full of the greatest nuggets of wisdom and truth since the BOM, now they're doing a sweet giveaway. I LOVE MBP!!!!

Additional Note: The coupon code is up and running (bachelorpad10off). We'll be randomly selecting the winner tonight at midnight. If we don't have a link to your tweet, blog or FB, we'll do our best to contact you so you can email us a link.

What does "stupid is as stupid does" mean?

2010-04-08T00:37:00.000-07:00

I ran into Daisy the other day at FHE, this was our first conversation since we smooched a couple weeks ago.

JAKE: Hey Daisy.
DAISY: Jake?
JAKE: How's it hanging?
DAISY: Good, how are you doing?
JAKE: Rock n roll I guess.
DAISY: That's good...
She was leaning against the back of a couch and leaned back and looked around as though trying to find someone to come save her. I tried to think of some way to make things more comfortable for her. I mean, I get it, and I didn't want to be "that guy" that she always has to walk on egg shells around.
JAKE: Yeah, so hey, I wanted to say thanks for the pity make-out the other night. I was freaking out because of my mad crush on Claire.
After it came out of my mouth I thought it might have been the very worst thing I could have said, ever. She looked at me a little shocked but kept her composure, and then, the corners of her mouth started to turn up just a little.
DAISY: Wow, Jake. Blunt much?
JAKE: I... yeah (I laughed) I figured the sooner it was said the quicker we could get on with being fast friends again.
Her mouth sat half open for a second as she studied me, she was still sort of smiling.
DAISY: Well. I just don't know what to say to that. What do I say to that?
She laughed and wiped under her eye like there was a tear there, but there was no tear. She folded her arms, straightened her legs and crossed them and leaned forward a little as though the next thing I would say might change her life.
JAKE: Ummm, you're supposed to say, "You're welcome Jake. Now how can I help you in your predacious situation with Claire?"
Daisy's smile got bigger, she stared at me like I was from another planet.
DAISY: Did you mean "precarious situation"?
JAKE: What did I say?
DAISY: "Predacious."
JAKE: The other one. Because I don't know what that means.
We both laughed.
DAISY: Well... you're welcome. (she laughed again awkwardly) Seriously you're too much. I can't help you with Claire but, yeah we're friends.
JAKE: You're kind of a player. You know... I think I could learn from your insights on this.
DAISY: Well Claire sorta hates me, because...
I was surprised she was still uncomfortable saying it.
JAKE: Because we hooked-up?
Daisy just nodded, and we ended up talking about the guy I saw her with on the sofa for a bit before we were interrupted.

Yesterday I was sitting at the counter-bar thingy in Claire's apartment talking to her and Wendy when Jen just walked in from across the hall.

JEN: Hey guys, wud up yo!
She always plays like she is a thug, not in like I'm-Eminem-and-really-think-that-I'm-a-balla sorta way, but more in a I'm-the-whitest-white-girl-on-Earth-which-is-why-you-should-laugh-when-I-talk-like-I'm-Snoop kinda way. I think it's very funny.
WENDY: Jake's telling us that if we wanted guaranteed make-out's, we should play video games with guys on dates.
CLAIRE: Yeah, except I don't want to date "gamer guys" so why would I hang out with one that would be impressed by that?
JAKE: Adam plays games. He's on xbox live like every time I log on.
Claire just smiled. After my talk with Daisy I had to assume that Claire at least heard I liked her.
WENDY: I played Zelda with a guy once and we did not make-out after.
JEN: Hmmm, well I am walking over to Sev. Anyone wanna come?
Wendy shook her head, and Claire said it was too cold.
JAKE: Yeah, I'll come with you. (to Wendy) Zelda is too epic, that's only for post marriage play...
No laughter? Hmm, I thought the joke spoke for itself, but they stared at me waiting for the punchline.
JAKE: You know because kissing isn't enough? Because when you're married you can do more than... kiss. Sex. Girls! I am talking about sex!
Wendy and Jen laughed with me but Claire stood there. Jen and I headed out.
CLAIRE: Not funny. (which she followed up with laughter)
Jen and I headed to 7/11.
JAKE: So, whats new lady? You got a man?
JEN: You say that like there's only one. (sarcastically) I can't even remember all their names.
JAKE: Oh. Nice. I'm glad you are getting out there so that you'll have sowed your wild oats by the time it's our turn.
JEN: Our turn to ride the... merry-go-round?
JAKE: Our turn for "the magic to happen". You know... between us?
Jen laughed nervously at first. I figured this was all jokes because that's all her and I ever did, but her demeanor made me nervous suddenly that she might actually think I was kind of serious. I was wrong.
JEN: I thought the magic already happened for us?
JAKE: It did? Was I asleep?
JEN: No. It just wasn't very magical for me so I moved on.
JAKE: Well... I didn't get to pick my wand.
Jen ignored my sexual innuendo as we walked into the store. While she was perusing the milk cooler she continued our conversation.
JEN: Besides, you're off limits.
I watched her read the nutrition information on a chocolate milk, she noticed and looked at me.
JEN: You made-out with Daisy.
JAKE: Oh, you saw that?
Jen lowered her head and looked at me like Ana Lucia from LOST looks at everyone all the time.
JEN: Funny.
JAKE: (Chuckle) Don't judge me, Jen.
JEN: No I don't care, you can make-out with whoever you want. I just doubt anyone in the Heights wants Daisy's trash.
JAKE: Whoa-oh, easy there. Trash?
JEN: Sucks too cause I know you like Claire.
JAKE: Daisy tell you that?
JEN: (Laughs, at me) No. It's obvious dude. (she points her box of Milk Duds at the cashier) Even this guy knows.
He nods in agreement.
JEN: The only person who probably doesn't know might be Claire.
I suddenly felt very small.
JEN: Claire might not know because her and Adam are doing their thing, but c'mon? Really? (she laughs, at me again) She wont touch you after Daisy, either. She's too wholesome.
I felt a little dumb, but wondered if Claire finding out would be a bad thing? I wanted to play it off like I didn't care to Jen and hopefully change the subject and stop the blatant mockery.
JAKE: I'm glad everyone thinks that. That way my true feelings for you will stay hidden from the public view.
Jen stopped and faced me. We were standing in the median of the street we were crossing. She put her free hand on my chest and I think she raised one foot. Then she pushed off me and spun around.
JEN: (rapping in her best Missy Elliot) I got the new Ferrari, shorty you ain’t got that.

Jake

Blusher

2010-04-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

I've made a little headway with Mikaela. I skipped a couple of classes just before Spring Break and she's missed a few classes this last week, so our paths haven't crossed as often as I'd have hoped.

Just before Spring Break, we had to give oral presentations in front of the class as part of our midterm. Oral presentations are interesting for me. They give me an opportunity to be funny in front of the class, but I dread them. They're like talks in sacrament meeting. They scare the crud out of me. But somehow, simultaneously, I love to stand in front of a bunch of people and say borderline inappropriate things in order to make them laugh. I always think it's hilarious when I'm saying it, but when I'm reliving it later and I remember something I said... I also remember how nobody laughed and then I blush. Seriously, I'll be watching T.V. all by myself and I'll remember something I said three months earlier and I'll get embarrassed and start blushing. It suck so bad. I have to purposely put the memory out of my head so that the blood can go to other places in my body other than my freakin' ears and cheeks.

I've been late quite a bit to my Geography class. A couple of weeks ago, I came in late as usual and found a seat rather quickly. The teacher looks at me and she says, "Nice of you to make it to class, Calvin." I say, "Sorry. I kept getting lost." I felt my face starting to get red as three or four of my peers looked back at me. Then the teacher started to look back down at her notes, but then I saw her head jerk back up and stare at me again. Then she said, "Oh look. Calvin is a blusher." The other 20 or so students cranked their heads around so they could see "the blusher". Criminy. How embarrassing. I wanted to slash her tires. Luckily, that wasn't the class Mikaela is in. I'm only known as "the blusher" in that class now. I can be other things in my other classes.

Anyway, so as I prepared my midterm I felt like it had some pretty humorous nuggets strategically placed throughout the report. Even through my intense fear, I sensed a hint of excitement that Mikaela would be able to see me shine in front of the entire class. Unfortunately, Mikaela wasn't there on the day I gave my report. So I ended up presenting my report and surprising the whole class with how cool and funny I am... except nobody else mattered. Mikaela wasn't there so it was all a big fat waste.

This last Friday, though, Mikaela and I were both in class. It felt pretty good sitting next to her again. I didn't know what to say, though. I was out of funny. About halfway through class, I hear her say, "Psst." Then "hey". I hoped she was trying to get my attention, but I didn't want to be overly eager like when a hot girl waves from across the room and the guy eagerly waves back before he realizes she was waving at the hot guy behind him. So I just waited until she said my name. I figured that was a pretty safe bet.

Then I heard her say, "Psst, Kevin." A part of me hurt a little bit inside that she was trying to get Kevin's attention instead of mine... whoever Kevin was. Then I felt her tap my right ribcage. She was talking to me. I cranked around. "Hey, Mikaela. What's up?" She said, "Do you live around here? Like close to campus?" I reply, "No. Not really." She proceeded to ask me if I drive to school or take the bus. I told her that I try to avoid taking the bus after the time the gang of homeless guys stole my shoes and Bubblicious. Then Mikaela said, "Do you mind giving me a ride to work after this? Unless you have another class or something, then don't worry about it." I did have another class, but I told her that I was planning on skipping it anyway and I'd love to take her to work.

I thought about a couple of things during the last 20 minutes of class. First I thought about what we were gonna talk about for the walk to my truck followed by the drive to her work. I thought about taking a few quick notes about topics of conversation. I wished Jake was there as my wing-man. I always do better when Jake is around. Then I thought about the type of person that asks a (almost complete) stranger for a ride somewhere. She has no idea if I'm a rapist or if I plan on slipping a roofie into her Powerade while she's putting her backpack behind her seat. Then I thought, "She thinks my name is 'Kevin'. Hasn't she called me by my real name before? I don't remember. If she thinks my name is 'Kevin', that is something I need to remedy as quickly as possible."

After class ended we started walking to my truck. In Single's Wards you meet a lot of new people all the time. There are a lot of introductions, a lot of new names, and a lot of forgotten names. I've been in a lot of situations where I'm fairly certain that a girl I'm interested in has forgotten my name. The last thing I wanted to do is let her call me the wrong name too many times until someone else corrects her or embarrass her by saying, "What did you call me? Oh, my. That's not even close to my real name." So I've devised a little strategy that works perfectly, and I decided to use it on Mikaela.

I didn't know how certain she was that she knew my name. She may have only thought that 'Kevin' was my name so she took a chance. I've done that before. My strategy is to wait for an opportunity to tell a story, real or fake, and make sure I say my name as many times in that story as possible and make it clear what my name is. Sure enough, Mikaela asked, "Is this your truck, right here?" This was my opportunity.

"Yeah. This is it. It used to be my brother's but when he left on his mission he told me, 'Calvin, I'll just let you take over the payments on this truck, ok, Calvin?' and I was, like, 'That sounds great.' Then my mom said, 'Calvin, don't forget to get gas when it hits a quarter tank. You don't want to run out of gas, Calvin.' Then I said, 'I got it, Mom. Thanks.' Then she said, 'You're welcome, Calvin. I love you, Calvin.'"

As I told that completely fictitious and boring story, I tried to see if Mikaela was absorbing what I was saying. I think she got it cause when I dropped her off at Lens Crafters 10 minutes later, she said, "Thanks for the ride, Calvin. I owe you one." Actually, Mikaela, you owe me a couple.

-Calvin

Drizzle Some A-1 On Me

2010-04-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

I was racking my brain trying to figure out what I was going to do with Claire and Daisy. Sunday night I stood in the kitchen while Aaron, Lance, Calvin, and my old friend Tiffany discussed my conundrum.

They all knew that I would've much rather spent the previous evening rolling around with Claire than with Daisy. And really, I would have preferred sitting on the floor, a triple combination away from Claire just talking to her... than making out with Daisy. Surprisingly, my friends were all very understanding. I expected a scolding for my whiny -"ooooh my life sucks, I made out with the hottest girl, ohhh noooo.". My roommates understood though that liking a girl is much different than wanting a girl.

Tiffany had the following to say: "If you want Claire you have to tell her how you feel... now. Admit how jealous you were of [Old] Adam and how, even though it is not an excuse for what you did, that it was that jealousy which led you to succumb to Daisy's advances."

Tiffany thought if I told Claire how stupid it was and how much I wished it were her that it would move Claire to forgive me. I thought that sounded like a terrible idea, and did what I usually do when girls gave me advice about girls... looked at her chest-- just kidding. No what I usually think when girls are giving me advice about other girls is, "What do girls know about girls? They can't even live together or be friends for longer than 5 year periods."

Similarly, my roommates disagreed. That being said, each one of my comrades suggested that if I wanted Claire, my best course of action would be to date and continue to make out with and exhibit public displays of sweetness and affection with Daisy. Each of them thought I should date Daisy while I had the chance. Not because she was hot and a good kisser. No. But because they believed it was the best strategy I could employ to get Claire.

Lance made this case: "When Claire sees that you're dating Daisy, the hot one, not only will it make Claire jealous, but it'll force her to see that you can do better than her. Make her second guess herself. Then, when you do make your move, she'll feel oh so special."

Aaron agreed and added: "Also, Claire's going to start dating Adam. You might as well make out with Daisy while she's snoggin the geezer."

Calvin expounded: "It's not like you dislike Daisy, right? If Claire is dating someone else you might as well see how it goes with Daisy... otherwise you'll fall further into the friend zone because with you not dating anybody those 'heart to hearts' you and Claire will keep having will be about her and her boyfriend - who isn't you."

It did seem to make sense. I didn't dislike Daisy. Perhaps if I spent a little time getting to know her and courting her then I would feel for her as strongly as I do for Claire.

Daisy is quite the trophy, too. Tuesday, I went to the Heights for a minute, and on my walk up the three flights of stairs to their hallway, I passed two guys whose names I didn't know, but recognized. One smiled at me and the other raised his hand for a high five as we passed. In a deep voice he said, "Daiiiisy... Niiiice!"

So, to recap, Daisy and I kissed Saturday night. I texted her Monday and we chatted a little. Then Tuesday I texted her and didn't hear back all day. Then Wednesday she texted me and I purposely didn't respond. Claire texted me Wednesday that a group was gonna go eat at the Bombay House that night. I figured I'd stop by and see Daisy while I was there.

Right as I reached the top of the stairs, down the hallway, I saw Adam walk into Claire's apartment. So I decided to walk past her door and see if Daisy was home first. Her roommate Shelly answered. She opened the door a head-sized crack and looked a little surprised. I said, "Hey Shelly is Dais--" Shelly quickly moved out into the hallway and shut the door behind her. In order to do that she had to open the door a little more and I was able to see Daisy sitting on the couch in the living room with some dude. When I say "sitting"... her legs were draped over his.

Shelly said, "Oh hey Jake... um, Daisy's busy." I replied, "I can see that." She grimaced and said, "Oh..." I noticed she still had the TV remote in her hand and she sort of covered her mouth with it when she said, "Yeah, we're not going to dinner with everyone." I felt pretty silly and said, "Oh cool, just checkin." I turned back towards Claire's place, and Shelly said, "Sorry Jake... I hate to say it but I think the other night, you know, it was... you know...?" It sucks when people are speaking in incomplete sentences and you know what they mean. I did "know", I had seen Daisy with the guy on the couch a few times before.

I said, "Yeah, I know. I was actually coming to tell you that your're next." Shelly laughed nervously. I smiled nervously and walked to Claire's, feeling like an idiot. How foolish. I imagined the laughter that must be ensuing in Daisy and Shelly's apartment right now. There I was, thinking that all I had to do was just decide that Daisy was mine and she would be... not realizing that as out-of-my-league as she was that she was using me as much, or actually, more so than I was using her.

I wished to crap that I wouldn't have listened to my roommates because now Daisy would always think she broke my heart or something, and would never know that my pursuit of her was, in actuality, me "settling". It didn't bother me one bit that she tongue wrestled me with no intention of dating me. Used me like a perfectly cured piece of medium rare, Grade A, New York strip steak. I didn't mind being used like an object or toy that could be discarded once a better object/toy came into play. It did bug me that I thought she was thinking she broke my heart.

Got worse once I got to Claire's and the "group" ended up being Old Adam, Claire, Wendy, and me. It was like a blasted double date. Like one of those double dates where the other guys date is cuter than your date in addition to him being too cool to dislike and totally out flirting and out funnying you - you know the kind. It was torture. At least the curry was good.

Jake

April 1, 2010

2010-04-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

The results of our informal, unofficial poll on our last blog post was overwhelmingly #7, which was to just keep writing our blog as Calvin and Jake. This was a pretty big relief. Mostly because we ARE Calvin and Jake and it would have really sucked to create a new blog next week called "Unmarried Mormons Who Are Confessing Stuff From Their Pad" and named ourselves Carl and Jeremy. (We actually DID think about that, by the way.) Thankfully, we don't have to do that now. We can just keep doing what we've been doing. Which is writing our blog in real time... without any sort of significant delay.

The option that came in 2nd place was #4 which asked us to answer some questions as honestly as possible. So we're gonna try to address some of your concerns. We've compiled all 232 comments and decided to answer the five most frequently asked and/or easiest ones to answer:

Question #1: Do you know Cameron Daley and John Maxim?

Answer: We've known of them for quite some time. We know them better now thanks to this email conversation that we're summing up for your viewing pleasure.

John Maxim: Hello, MBP. Cameron and I have received several friend invitations on Facebook over the last couple of days. When we ask how we know them, they all seem to point to your blog. Can you explain this to me, please?

MormonBachelorPad: Hi John. Some people seem to think we (Calvin and Jake) and you (John and Cameron) are one and the same. We disagree, for obvious reasons, but we weren't shy about reposting the information since we thought you might appreciate the additional traffic to your hilarious movie reviews and comic strips.

John Maxim: Cameron pointed out the additional traffic on his personal blog and we both got a little nervous until we figured out what was going on. When are you planning on coming clean?

MormonBachelorPad: Well, we weren't ever planning on formally denying it. In fact, even though you're really old guys, we don't mind being compared to you at all.

John Maxim: I've spent a little time today reading your blog. I can't help but notice some strong similarities between my relationship with Cameron and your relationship with each other in your blog. Some of the similarities are so strong, it doesn't seem like a coincidence.

MormonBachelorPad: Well, John, that's really easy to explain- [censored]

Q 2: Did you write the original blog post on mbprevealed.blogspot.com that exposed your "real" identities and then changed it to a comical pretzel story?

Answer: Yes we did. And we haven't decided what to do with that blog yet. We're pretty sure we're gonna keep it around and use it to confuse and confound everyone who happens to visit. So, be prepared.

Q 3: Do you write exposembp.blogspot.com... the blog dedicated to figuring out who you are?

Answer: For the answer to that really good question, click here.

Q 4: Do you run and/or operate any other blogs we should know about?

Answer: Yes. We are the authors of several blogs that we created and run for the sole purpose of throwing as many people off our trail as humanly possible. The blogs we write include, but are not limited to:

-The Boob Nazi blog
- Seriously So Blessed
- www.32yearolddivorcedandmarriedguyslives.blogspot.com (in the works).
-www.exposeMBPrevealer.com (essentially devoted to exposing us, in an extremely roundabout way)
-www.revealMBPexposer.com (trying to figure out who writes www.exposeMBPrevealer.com)

Q 5: Why did you delete your Twitter account, Facebook, and disable blog comments for a few hours?

Answer: Our original plan was to be as confusing as possible. Unfortunately, in the process of "deactivating" and "disabling" we inadvertently deleted our Twitter account. With Facebook, you can deactivate and reactivate with ease. In Blogger, "hiding" and "showing" comments is as easy as clicking a button. Unfortunately, when a person deletes a Twitter account... it's actually gone. Forever. And ever.

If you're interested and not technologically retarded, feel free to click this link and be cool like us.

Always and forever,

C and J

ps In case you didn't know, today is a holiday. We hope you have as much fun with it as we did.

Who is Keyser Soze?

2010-03-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

We have readers from all walks of life, I think. Well, maybe not "death bed" walk of life, but most of the other ones. Well, one of these "walks" has been posting a link on Twitter and Facebook to a blog where the author claims to have "revealed" our true identities. It has resulted in several comments on our blog and a myriad of tweets and statuseseses on Facebook. The author of the aforementioned blog, however, is anonymous. (We can't stand people who think they can do and say whatever they want just because they're anonymous.)

This guy has created this blog for the sole purpose of "revealing" us. To add insult to injury, he also has placed advertisements on his blog so he can make money off of our blogs untimely demise. To prevent him from making any money, I've copied and pasted his blog in it's entirety right here. If you're afraid I've altered the text, you're more than welcome to visit his blog. Just don't click on the ad's or else he'll get paid 1/20 of a cent for each click.

Now, onto the blog which is causing so much controversy (with simultaneous tingling in our loins):

I first came across this blog a few months ago, and thought it was a pretty novel idea: two guys who claim to be roommates that write about their various dating escapades and adventures living as young, single, recently returned missionaries. In their stories, they talk about topics such as “horizontal make-outs,” “define the relationship (DTR) talks,” scales of attraction, and other slightly more taboo subjects for young single adults of the LDS faith. I thought the blog was funny and entertaining, and I found myself relating to some of the situations and stories they described. They wrote without fear about some of the things that we, as men, often think about women, but should never say in front of them. This led to hundreds of responses from readers (mostly women) that were as entertaining, if not more so, than the posts themselves. There quickly became a division among the readers—those who defended the writers for being cool, funny, laid-back Mormon guys, and those who hated them for being typical, disrespectful, chauvinistic men. So, even though I felt a little out of place, I occasionally visited the blog to catch up and have a few laughs. I maintained this activity as a guilty pleasure, since I knew that most (probably 85%) of their readers are women. I became aware that many people questioned whether the blog was real, and even more girls wanted to know who these awesome, funny guys were (presumably to “jump their bones”). The writers addressed the issue by claiming they needed anonymity in order to “protect” the other people involved. I began to read another blog called “Expose the Mormon Bachelor Pad,” which sought to discover (and presumably expose) the writers’ identities. Anonymous comments were left with varying theories, links to facebook profiles, and even anecdotal encounters. Of course, nearly all of these theories were based on the assumption that the characters’ basic information was correct. This led the majority of the sleuths down completely wrong paths, and even helped MBP out in some ways. However, it was discovered that the writers had formed an LLC, liked to shop on the company dime, and even had a lawyer. It became apparent to me that there was a business objective here. However, I could not tell whether the blog was real, and the writers later decided to make some profit (why not?), or whether the entire site was fabricated to generate income. I’m still not sure if the writers realized in the beginning how popular their blog would become. In revealing their identities, I do not wish to frustrate their business plans. I’m sure that they will continue to write as wittily and to be as creative as they have been in the past. If they continue to write well, people will continue to read. They seem to have a cult following that would believe their every word, and some of those people probably won’t even believe that I’m right about them. After I had discovered the characters’ true identities, I left a couple of innocent comments announcing that fact, and only included their real first names. I congratulated them for being such great writers. Those comments were never published, since they began moderating them some time ago. Since they wouldn’t offer me even that tiny bit of credit, I decided to write this and expose them. I think that people deserve to know that what they are reading is fiction. If you want to continue to believe that MBP is real, and that “Jake” or “Calvin” is your future eternal companion, I suggest that you stop reading now. Otherwise, may the truth set you free. Oh, and please buy a shirt from them, because they deserve it, if only for pulling it all off. I will not go into the details about how I discovered the identities of the authors, but I will say that it was merely by luck and not by any sinister (or illegal) means. After noticing several connections and coincidences, I was able to identify them based on their personal (but public) blogs and profiles. Once I show you the evidence, you will see how easy it was to tie them to MBP. Everything I know has been gleaned from those sources, so I might be mistaken on some points. Also, I have not been able to tell whether there really are two writers, or if both characters are written by the same person (which would be “Jake”). In either case, it appears that “Calvin” is, at the very least, based on a real person. Without further ado, allow me to introduce the writer(s) behind MBP: Revelation

	The Story	The Truth
	“Jake”
Name	“Jake”	John Maxim
Status	Single	Divorced
Mission	Dublin Ireland; 2007-09	Leeds England, Cincinnati OH; 1996-98
From:	Seattle	Portland

Hobbies	Soccer	Soccer Writing Blogs/Comics Making/Reviewing Movies

	“Calvin”
Name	“Calvin”	Cameron Daley
Status	Single	Married (2001)
Mission	Dublin Ireland; 2007-09	Leeds England; 1996-98
From:	Ogden, UT	Ogden, UT
Employment	Low stress desk job	Probation Officer
Hobbies	Snogging	Writing Blogs/Comics Making/Reviewing Movies

John is a fan of the band Less Than Jake, which probably has something to do with his choice of pseudonym. Similarly, Cameron is a fan of the comic strip “Calvin and Hobbes.” So, in truth, John and Cameron really are two great writers who have created a fascinating work of fiction which may or may not be based on their real dating experiences (past or present). This is not the first project they have worked on together: #1: “House Of Nine” appears to be a photo blog honoring a house very similar to the Mormon Bachelor Pad, but was probably occupied roughly 10 years ago (by my guesswork). This would reinforce the theory that MBP is actually based on the authors’ past experiences. #2: “Out of the Blue” contains a comic strip that John and Cameron created together. It is also similar to MBP in that it involves a group of quirky young men who live together, and their dating lives. This project even earned them an award in a journalism competition. #3: “The Cinematic Experience” is a movie review blog by John and Cameron. Its most recent posts include video reviews, and those of you who wish to get up close and personal will have all of your utmost desires fulfilled. From these videos it is apparent that “Jake’s” and “Calvin’s” physical descriptions on MBP are accurate. #4: They are currently involved in a competition called the “48 hour Film Project.” I’ve had a lot of fun figuring this all out, and I hope you have too. Most of all, I hope to give credit to John and Cameron for their creative endeavors. Well played! Shortly after creating this blog, I left an anonymous link on "Expose the Mormon Bachelor Pad." I decided to do this so that those people who were truly interested in knowing who the authors were might be able to find out. This may have been a giant mistake on my part. Within hours, all of the previously cited blogs (and even John and Cameron's youtube account) were either privatized or deleted. Obviously, this provides even more evidence that I have hit home, and they are frantically trying to keep from being identified. The most interesting thing is that my comment on ExposeMBP never showed up. Well, well, well... it appears that John and Cameron themselves, or someone close to them, actually created ExposeMBP. This does make some sense, considering that they even posted a link to it from MBP. It may have only served as a straw man, intended to throw any truth seekers off the path. Of course, it also served to give their blog a little more allure, and keep some of their readers' attention. It certainly kept mine!

Wow. You probably have a million questions right about now, don't you? Well, that's why we're doing this post. Here are the options available to us right now and your feedback is welcomed as always:

1. We can explain why this other dude's blog is untrue and point to several alternative explanations as to why his arguments appear to be so sound, but really aren't.

2. We could actually tell the truth which would involve a lot of other stuff.

3. We could lay out a time line for your viewing pleasure from the birth of this blog all the way through yesterday.

4. We could do a series of Q&A blog posts where you submit your questions via comments or email and we do our very best to answer each and every one of them as honestly as possible.

5. We could upload the video of when we stripped at those two bachelorette parties a few years ago.

6. We could give mad props to Blazzer (one of our commentors) who consistently hit the nail on the head with pretty much every single one of his comments.

7. We can ignore these accusations and continue writing as Calvin and Jake while secretly hoping that Jonathan Thomas Martin: Supermodel and Abbie Warnock don't send their parents to our house wielding baseball bats.

8. We could join hands and walk quietly into the sunset, never again uttering the words "Mormon Bachelor Pad".

Love,

Jake and Calvin

Blue Man Group Cuddle

2010-03-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

Last night we did our big movie night. Some dude in Claire's complex was able to score a copy of Avatar on DVD for us. I have no idea where the kid got it or by what means. I remember one of those old Mormon Ad's that my dad had taped up on the door to our garage titled "Gossip" that had these hands passing around black muck that (I always imaged was infested with something disgusting like the HIV virus or something, because otherwise it's just mud, and mud never hurt any one... but if you were passing around AIDS I think the metaphor would be a little more poignant.) had a smaller subtitle which read "don't pass it on". So I don't know where he got Avatar from and for me to guess and then to post that guess here on the world wide web would be like throwing a handful of the virus known as HIV in your eyeball, get it?

As planned there was about an hour or so of build up before the movie actually started. A period for people to arrive, for beverages to be poured, and for popcorn to be popped. This time was necessary for everyone to get settled and figure out who they were going to be snuggling with. So far, nobody in this group has really paired off yet. With the love tetra decagon discussed a little while ago the possibilities were vast... especially considering there were several other people from Claire's ward involved. So far, all five of the guys from my house haven't smooched a soul in our new grazing patch.

My plan was to cuddle with Claire thanks to my weak mention of cuddling during a planning meeting we had earlier in the week. I really like Claire, is that not clear yet? I wish, too, that I would have just asked her out instead of creating this big, out of control group that we have to manage... even if we do get to manage it together. So there were 19 people there last night. To maximize comfortable seating, we rounded up couches and Love Sacs from surrounding apartments to make it all work in Claire's living room.

Aaron and Lance both wanted to get with Daisy, which was pretty funny to watch because she knew it and I think their subtle one-up-man-ship turned her off. I was talking to a group of people and I could see the three of them, Aaron and Lance standing on either side of her while she sat on this hamper thingy. I heard Aaron say, "I was telling Lance how much it would mean to Sally if he cuddled with her tonight since she has a big crush." To which Lance immediately replied, "Yeah you said that right before you told me you and Shelly had made a deal to snuggle tonight, tell me and Daisy whats up with you two?" I realized during this blatant violation of our mantra that Daisy was staring at me. We made eye contact and I smiled. She rolled her eyes and smiled back. Then she said something to both of them I couldn't make out and stood up and came over and started talking to me and the little group I was entertaining.

Where was Claire? She was off entertaining, too. I noticed that her group slowly drifted to my group leaving her talking to New Guy. New guys name was Adam. He was new to the group, a friend of... someone. Anyway, I watched as their body language got more flirty. She was laughing a lot. I had talked with Adam only once, and unfortunately (because I kept wanting to imagine his head melting like that Japanese guy in "Raiders of the Lost Ark") he seemed really cool... and funny. I'm pretty sure he is better looking than me, too.

I wasn't worried about Adam, mostly because he is old. Adam is 31 or 35 or 50 or something. I mean, Claire turned 19 in January, so when I scouted my competition tonight he didn't even show up on my radar. I tried to avoid looking at them, but they were suddenly in their own little world... which reminded me of the time I met Claire.

I walked into the kitchen and started another bag of popcorn which gave me a second to strategize. The movie was about to start and Claire and I were supposed to be sitting together. I tried not to stare at Claire and Adam, but I did. He wasn't only cool, funny, and good looking, but the dude was also pretty smooth. I watched his hand movements and touches as they interacted and it made me jealous. I always say I don't get jealous... but I don't know how else to describe that twisting, tightening discomfort in that empty space inside between my xiphoid process and my stomach. I watched as Adam, in one fluid motion turned towards the screen and as he did his hand cupped the small of Claire's back and asked where they were going to sit. Seconds later they occupied the chair-n-a-half in the corner.

I hadn't come right out and said "I really just want to hold you in my arms tonight" or anything, but didn't Claire know I was interested? Did she even care? Did she forget our arrangement or was the Ring Reader in her just accommodating? I could relate to that... I guess.

No, Claire didn't seem to notice I was even there anymore. As far as I could tell, I didn't exist after Adams second funny joke coupled with a one of his three fingered brushes across her shoulder. I felt sick. I thought about going home, I thought about calling Calvin, but then I thought, "Okay, it's not like they're getting married, or even going to kiss tonight. They are just going to watch a movie together. Besides Calvin is on a date and wouldn't answer anyway."

I felt a little better and the 20th Century Fox fanfare from the DVD drowned out all the chatter. That's when Daisy walked into the kitchen grabbed me by the arm and said, "There's one seat left next to me." which was the bean bag inconveniently located directly in front of Claire and Mr. Wonderful. As we walked over, I noted that both Aaron and Lance were still standing looking for a place to sit.

So... there I was cuddling with Daisy. A situation which would most likely be called a cock-block later on by Aaron and Lance. Aaron and Lance both found another girl they could rub ankles with. Aaron with Shelly, and Lance with another girl from the ward that was there. All the while, the girl I wanted was back on the Chair-in-a-half with another dude.

I spent pretty much the first half of the movie listening to every single sound, no matter how faint, coming from behind me. It was awful, and I suggest no one else try it... ever. I heard cloth rubbing softly which in reality was probably her own elbow brushing her own stomach as she scratched her nose... but in my mind, Adam was behind us all mounting Claire and taking from her all that we, as virtuous Mormons, hold dear.

To try and get my mind off of it, I thought about making a move on Daisy. We were spooning and the bean bag made positioning perfect so that I could see right past her ear and over her neck. Daisy's hair was pretty short, but she had pulled it up. I lay there and looked at her neck. I've always felt I am a pretty accomplished cuddler. I've discovered that treating a cuddle like a slow, less intense shoulder massage on every part of the body that I can touch (without feeling like I have to talk to the bishop about it) drives pretty much all women wild. I was gently rubbing my fingers down Daisy's neck, on to her shoulder, down her arm and then back up. She occasionally let out a little whimper that was so quiet the first few times I thought it was coming from somewhere else (like behind us).

I didn't want to make out with Daisy. Furthermore, I don't think she wanted to make out with me. I think that she needed a rescue from my two hormonal pals and I needed a spot to lay and feel all jealous. Sure, on a strict 0 to 10 scale, Daisy may be a better choice, and it's not that she is dumb or stuck-up either, but I knew that I wanted Claire. Not just to roll around with. I want to have that feeling I have when I am with her all of the time.

Avatar is long and boring in parts (sort of like this post), people started getting up and leaving. Some fell asleep. The room really started to thin out. We got to the part where all the characters in the movie are blue, and I heard a little more than an elbow brush. Claire's hand touched my shoulder and she whispered, "I think we're out." I nodded and watched her and Adam walk back into her room. You thought my imagination did some damage when I heard rustling behind me?

Daisy rolled over and said, "Everyone's going to sleep." Then she nuzzled her face into my neck. I finished the movie and when the credits rolled, Nick sat up, looked around, and said, "See you guys." Aaron and Shelly were gone, and Lance was fast asleep with about four other people on the far side of the room. I started to get up but Daisy clung onto me and made a whispered, "uh un" sound. We laid there till the credits were over.

Her lips were on my neck, and I was imagining Claire in her room making out with Adam, which is totally not like her. The room was lit blue from the DVD menu light. I looked down at Daisy's body back-lit by that glow. I just decided to kiss Daisy. I mean, I hadn't kissed a girl since Sanders and.... Claire...? "Eff Claire." I thought. We went back to Daisy's apartment, where we found Aaron and Shelly in their room. So we made-out for a bit on the sofa until she fell asleep. By the way, (for the seven guys who read this blog) Daisy really is so hot, I mean she smokes of hotness and she's a great kisser. (She was so objectifying me though, I mean how incredibly disrespectful and disgusting right?) I drove home feeling terrible, jealous, and rejected. Making out with the hottest girl in the room made no difference.

It gets worse.

Before you go jumping all over Claire... I found out today that her and Adam did not even kiss. They didn't come anywhere close to my wild imagination. She does like him though... whatever that means.

Jake

Funny in a Different Way

2010-03-25T22:24:00.000-07:00

Some people close to Jake and I have suggested we put together some sort of lease agreement for our renters. We've decided this is probably a good idea. However, we're not gonna make Aaron or Lance sign one. Since we're already friends with them, we've decided to trust them. I think making one of your best friends sign a lease seems kind of shallow. I know at least a few of you know-it-all's are thinking, "Well, what about Nick, Calvin? Huh? He's your best friend and he totally screwed you guys." Well, that's true. He did. And I'm still pissed about it, but I have a hard time believing that a lease would have changed the situation at all. Hypothetically, I'd have said, "Well, Nick, I know you don't want to pay us, but see this piece of paper that you signed? That means you have to pay us." Then Nick would say, "Or else what?" I'd Google some options, then call him two hours later and say, "Or else I take you to court and get a judgment against you." Then he'd say, "So? What if I still don't pay you?" Then I'd hang up on him all rude like, do some more Googling, then call him back a few hours later and say, "Then I hire a constable to serve you paperwork, fill out several forms and attempt to have your wages garnished." Then he'd say, "Doesn't that cost money?" At that point I'd still have Google pulled up on my computer and I could reply with "Yeah. A little." Then Nick would say, "Well, I'm not all that happy with my current employer. I'd probably just switch jobs if you started garnishing my wages." See where I'm going with this? A lease wouldn't have changed anything. Making NEW tenants sign a lease, however, is different. Our relationship from the beginning would be Landlord first, Friend second.

Nick still comes over pretty much every day. I don't talk to him. I give him the silent treatment... kinda like I'm either in second grade or gay. A couple of days ago, after Nick left, Aaron asked why I was being such a dick. I said, "Cause he totally screwed us out of rent for February and half of March. Doesn't that piss you off?" Jake doesn't care one tiny bit. I think Jake's exact response was yelled from the other room, "Who took my wet laundry out of the washer and just set it on top?". Aaron and Nick have been friends for a lot longer than anyone else, so Aaron's response was, "Why are you letting a couple hundred dollars ruin a friendship." I said, "What friendship? A friend doesn't do that. If he was really my friend, he'd pay me and YOU and Jake what he owes us."

Blah blah blah. Enough of that. It's boring.

We went over to the Heights for a little while last night. We bounced from apartment to apartment, but ultimately ended up at Shelly, Raquel, and Daisy's place. It's pretty awesome being surrounded by so many women who seem to be genuinely interested in us ('me' more specifically). I don't get to go there as often as everyone else with my school and work schedules so I feel left out a lot of the time. But I go when I can. (I've actually been skipping one of my night classes a LOT more than I'm comfortable with.)

So, anyway, last night we're all hanging out together. Shelly (the sheltered "Molly" 'b' who Lance is trying to steal, even though she likes me... maybe) wasn't giving any one person any sort of special attention. I honestly sat there and watched everyone else interacting, talking about things that happened when I wasn't there. It was pretty frustrating. Jake is usually my wingman, but he was focusing on Claire. I actually think it's pretty funny watching him interact with her. I know he likes her, but she doesn't. So all of the hints he's dropping are getting ignored since she's so clueless, or pretending to be clueless.

Then Aaron says to Claire, "Can I use your bathroom?" I had been looking for an opportunity to play this little joke and it seemed ideal to be doing it in a co-ed situation. I thought it would be a lot funnier. So I hurry up and say, "Wait, Aaron. Number one or number two?" [Side Note: Casually talking about bodily functions in mixed company has a way of automatically separating the girls into personality types right away. I subtly glanced around the room looking for smiles, or even chuckles. Those are my type and there were a couple of them. The girls who pretended they didn't even hear me are usually boring or way too prissy. The only girl making the "gross out" face with accompanying gasp, was Shelly. That kind of threw me off a bit. I'd heard she had a crush on me, but she's also a genuine bitch. Like, not the fake kind. A real, actual, down to earth, judgmental, hyper-sensitive, easily offended, hard to read, bitch. And it's such a turn on. Kinda like I know I'm gonna have to really EARN her affection.] Aaron unabashedly replies, "Number two." I say, "Do you mind if I go in front of you? I only have to pee and I don't want to wait." Of course, Aaron doesn't have a problem with me going first.

It was a perfect opportunity to play my little joke. I hadn't done it to any of my current roommates, but I did it all the time when I was growing up. I would put the seat down, get my hand wet in the sink, and sprinkle drops of water all over the toilet seat. It's awesome. Aaron was going to come in after me and one of two things were going to happen. He would either yell at me from the bathroom... something like, "Dude, Calvin! You peed all over the seat." At which point everyone would laugh cause I'd have already whispered to everyone what I'd done. Another possibility was that Aaron wouldn't notice the gleaming droplets on the seat and would remain clueless until he felt the wetness on his upper thighs and buttocks. Then he'd be too embarrassed to yell anything cause he'd have "pee" all over himself. We'd all laugh at him when he came out and I'd be the most popular guy in the room... right where I belong.

I stayed in the bathroom just long enough so I'd be convincing, then I walked out of the bathroom and announced, "Okay, Aaron. You're up!" Unfortunately, Shelly squeezed past me and said, "Aaron said I could go in front of him." She went in the bathroom and closed the door.

My smile faded. I froze. Seriously. I don't freeze very often. I didn't know what to do. I walked briskly to the couch and sat down. I didn't say anything to anyone. Shelly came out a few minutes later. She didn't say anything, either. She got something out of the fridge, like a bottled water or something and then went into her room. I wanted to tell Jake about it so we could laugh and be the life of the party, but he was swooning all over Claire and I thought that if I said anything at that point, it might be at Shelly's expense and I didn't want to embarrass her.

I told Jake about it today. He thought it was pretty funny... you know... cause it is. He's gonna tell Claire in the hopes that she'll pass it on to Shelly at some point. So hopefully I still have a chance.

Calvin